Not much to say about today. Did tedious crap at work. Spent the afternoon doing long tedious lists after someone freaked out at me. Had to order two platinum rushes in a day (whee). Talked to Mom on the phone at lunch. Randall is dating a lawyer, so good for him there.

I had a dream about auditioning for Midsummer last night and I have been depressed all day about not auditioning. I keep thinking, "I could run over there and audition tomorrow...y'know, just in case..." but no, I will continue to follow Scott around like an idiot.

Singing lesson tonight: attempted to find an vocal warmups app that did what Morgan wanted them to (so far, no luck, they wouldn't do the settings she wanted for some reason), mostly worked on this song: "Fifty Percent" from a musical called Ballroom. She said it was a song to work on belting to. I hadn't really heard the song during this--mostly was just trying to find a workable recording-- so I was trying to learn it off her doing it without having heard/drilled the song before. That was...interesting. Mostly I'm not sure if I'm getting deep enough?

(Good god, hearing myself sucks. How does anyone tolerate me?)

Having never heard of this musical before (I suspect Morgan knows more obscure musicals than I do? At the cast party she was raving about this one called Dogfight...not a plot I'd be into, I fear), I looked it up. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ballroom_(musical) A widow ends up dating a married man, and the song is about resolving to love him even if she only gets half of his time.

I kind of relate to this...

I downloaded/printed this "Solutions Deck" off the Internet a week or so ago, it's supposed to offer you concrete-ish solutions to your problems. But when I think about you-know-who, I get "Withdrawal" and "Let It Go," and "Find A New Love." Well, no shit, Sherlock, but how do I do that? I just drew "Find A New Love" again. Super helpful. I kinda feel like the deck hates me or at least is giving me a sensible slap in the face. I was trying to be optimistic and that kinda blew it for me today.

I'm tired of that. I'm pretty much agreeing with this lady in the song. Having absolutely bloody nobody and nothing and air sucks. I did that for 15 years and it sucked, and being empty didn't do shit. I tried to not talk to him for most of a year and that didn't kill it. I cut the cord and he was back in my life within a week. You know what? I may deserve a banquet, but a banquet isn't coming. I'll take what I get here because this is still better than nothing. Loving him still makes me feel better on some level even if it's not totally what I want to get. Since nobody else appears to be coming along after all...

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