6/17/19:

Today my coworkers (around 8-ish this morning) sat me down to tell me I was doing things that would get me in trouble again and I have to remember that I am being scrutinzed and watched at all times, I’d better be perfect or someone will report me, etc., etc. I know they mean well but in my brain it’s all “I’m a fuckup AGAIN.” (It was stuff like “We saw the word “sex” on your computer because you were listening to the “Death, Sex and Money” podcast and therefore you could get reported for sexual harassment.”) Also, do we always have to have the “Jennifer sucks” conversations first hour of the morning? Can’t we do that in the afternoon so I don’t feel like shit all day long and have to fake that I’m okay? Of course we can’t.

Today was another one of those days you just endure getting through and can’t wait for it to be over.

However, I did get to talk to Meg tonight and that was a really good conversation. I told her all about the plays and what is going on there and she was very supportive of all of that and happy for me. I also told her about Pam’s “most interesting woman in the world” comment and she agreed with it.

I dunno if I’d say my life is THAT weird enough to qualify for “in the world,” mind you. I’d probably vote for Frida Kahlo on that one myself...maybe Oprah... or anyone on the Rejected Princesses website. But “most interesting woman in the region or at least as long as you don’t hit Berkeley/SF because everyone’s weird over there,” I probably do qualify for that. I can only think of a few other contenders...which is to say, (Former Wedding Singer) Sarah and that professor. Hmmmmmmmmm.

6/18/19:

Today sucked:

(a) Woke up wide awake and raring to go at 3:30 a.m for no good reason. I wasn’t hyper, just wide awake. Tried reading two boring Shakespeare essay books to get back to sleep, no luck.

(b) I spent 3 out of the first 4 hours of work in extremely long tedious meetings. One of which dropped horrendous bad news on me with regards to my job and SUPER handicaps me for being able to do said job when panicking emergencies happen (this particular issue comes up 3-6 times a month with international clientele), and if I fuck up, I damage THE ENTIRE ORGANIZATION and presumably of course get fired. Greaaaaat.

(c) The last meeting was scheduled to go halfway through my phone therapy session time, which obviously I cannot object to because work has to come first. It was a meeting that was scheduled to literally argue over who is supposed to answer the piled up old work e-mails. Answer: THE PERSON WHO JUST RETURNED TO THE JOB AFTER A FEW MONTHS, BECAUSE WE DIDN’T ANSWER THEM BECAUSE WE DON’T KNOW THE ANSWERS TO THOSE. I was not needed for 90% of this, seriously. I was so bored and so mad.

(d) I didn’t get around to eating all day either.

(e) I have to bring a giant Mountain Dew bottle to these excruciating meetings in case I start to fall asleep and one coworker was all, “Let me see that bottle. THERE’S SO MUCH SUGAR IN THAT!” during said meeting. I muttered, “I can’t drink coffee, this is the best I can do,” but wanted to say that a lot more forcefully and louder.

(f) I spent the afternoon being forced to sit through hours of yearly online trainings on how to deal with credit cards and cash. WE LITERALLY DO NOT HANDLE CASH HERE. WE ARE NOT ALLOWED TO HANDLE CASH HERE. WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO SIT THROUGH TWO ONLINE TRAININGS ON THIS while the computer reads aloud to me what is said on the screen? I speed read for god’s sake, I could have had all of this shit done in 10 minutes if I didn’t have to sit at the speed of slow.
I tried to do actual work on one screen while sitting through the damn video on the other screen, then ran out of stuff I could do one-screened and started going through my personal email and fifteen billion mailing lists so I wouldn’t start screaming.

(g) This is, of course, when the second in command came over to help me with something I’d asked about earlier. “Are you on...break?” “No, I’m watching this video and it makes me crazy to sit still staring at a screen doing nothing.” So watch me get reported on tomorrow, of course.

(h) I have to spend the entire morning tomorrow calling big shots and asking them if I can help them with something I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT HOW TO HELP THEM ABOUT BECAUSE I DON’T EVEN WORK ON THAT THING. (Basically, we are doing nag calls in the guise of “we’re just trying to help!” calls because the big shots have a deadline of tomorrow.) Seriously just don’t wanna go tomorrow.

(i) When I got home, I managed to scratch a mole on my face and now it’s bleeding.

(j) I’m writing this at 6:15 and nobody has responded to “karaoke 2nite?” texting.

I. WANNA. GO. DRINK.

Here’s a thing nobody tells you: the older you get, the more you find it very, very hard to keep stomaching doing your day job, which you need in order to stay alive because you can’t do what you want for a living.

About the only good thing of the day was my half therapy session...I got half of it, at least. I continued to get my shrink to dish about guys....yeah, I know, this sounds odd. I also kinda investigated about how sometimes I am just Not Sleepy or very hungry lately (it’s hot though, so that might be why) and she was all, “uh....that’s kinda bad....” Well, l don’t think I’m at the age to bust out with one of those disorders, but she said I sounded kinda hypomanic. I blame it on the theater.

Oh, the other good thing was my new iPod. Seriously, being able to rock out to music again while wandering around is da bomb. I have missed this so much.

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