Chaos Attraction

Alone

2008-06-20, 2:15 p.m.

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I don't know what it is about me that when I actually uh, really need someone, somehow they are unable to (out of town, sick, whatever) be there. It's irritating.

Yes, I'm gripey because after all of last week's drama, my shrink is way sick and uh, no appointment this week. No phone call outside of session either (her voice sounds like crap). Bummer. She didn't want to bail out on me, since uh, I pretty much expect adult females to do so, but what else can you say other than "I'll suck it up until next week?"

I think I get more irritated because I am very much a "suck it up" person (got raised to be so, anyway), and if something is bad enough that I have to reach out to someone, then THEY'D BETTER FUCKING BE THERE, DAMMIT, I CAN'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER RIGHT NOW. And then inevitably, whoever it is is sick or out of town or busy or on their own drama trip or whatever and can't. It always feels like the universe is smacking me on the nose with a newspaper somehow. Haven't you learned NOT to try that yet?!?! If you really need it, it won't be there, so don't ask!

In writing group this week, there was discussion about how to get things done. I basically said that I do not get things done, or at least I can't do it for longer than a month and then I hit burnout.

Then I found this entry about this topic. She sounds a lot like me on why she never finished anything, especially the short attention span. How did she finally finish novels, you ask?

THE BUDDY SYSTEM, that's how!

And that's where my stomach sank, because if I really do need someone there to be my buddy, hold my hand, whatever in order for me to succeed, they're not gonna be there in the clinch. I gotta do it alone or it won't get done.


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