Chaos Attraction

It's Breakdown Week

2020-06-25, 11:32 p.m.

What a day. Oh good lord, what a day.

Today was Tigress's last working day. She's taking Friday off and moving crap off her computer and she has to go in and turn in her computer to the office Monday, but today's the last.

We had a meeting at 8:30 for the people who had birthdays this month. This went horribly awkwardly for several reasons:

(a) Both birthday people did not attend. One of them's kid got sick, which is reasonable, but the other one works part time and doesn't start until 10 a.m. Didn't someone think that out beforehand at any point in time? "We're looping them into July," was determined.

(b) My boss turned on screen share and we saw that she was scheduling a meeting with Coworker Sarah* and Grandboss at 10 a.m. that day. That was the first sign of doom. Because I was all, "why the fuck would they schedule that kind of meeting" (for 15 minutes) "to say good news?"

(c) Continuing with the horror, BigBoss decided to go on at some length as to getting Tigress's computer back and how to handle it since it will be sent out to someone else's home soon. Naturally, Sarah and I picked up on that particular phrasing and she was all "oh fuck" and I was double "oh fuck" (Sarah didn't notice the Grandboss invite until she got into the meeting).

* For purposes of writing this, I am referring to only this Sarah for the rest of the entry, not any of the other drama Sarahs.

Sarah did not get a second interview. We spent several hours processing that one today, lemme tell ya, including calling up Lioness and our other coworker I don't mention in here enough to have given her a cute nickname (i.e. the rest of us "permanent" staff members who are not management) to get into the Zoom meeting to rant and be angry for a while. Boss didn't join that one (even though some folks thought she should talk to us about this), which was just fine by me.

Sarah had said she didn't do well in the interview, she was nervous, etc. I was all "eh, you were probably fine, they know what you're like personally and know your work ethic, and you've literally been learning this job for months, you should be fine." BOY WAS I WRONG. They asked her 8 questions, she stumbled on saying a few. They asked about working in a diverse office and she said something like, "I don't know how to put it into words, but I'm really proud," and she said more than that that I think sounded like a sentence to me, but I guess Grandboss gave her total bitchface (leaning back in her chair and glaring, specifically) after that one. Sarah also was asked some question about using policies and procedures in the job and Sarah said she couldn't think of any specific examples, we just do that all the time (more than that, I'm just summarizing).

Before this, our boss said she would hire her if she could. But clearly, Grandboss decided she didn't like her and didn't want to hire her. Purely on that, as far as I can deduce. Because while my boss was all, "we hope to be able to open new positions soon, I will work with you on interviewing if you like," all supportive things, Grandboss went on at length about her weaknesses in interviewing and she needs to rehearse and blah de blah, and also said Sarah doesn't know all that much of the job (how would you know?! Have you been around in training? What do you call 4 hours a day, 4 days a week, for months?), and Grandboss prefers people who have more experience in other offices like this one, and here's the real kicker: Grandboss claimed it's a conflict of interest to train someone in the job and then it makes them look biased to hire her in the job.

THAT IS EXACTLY HOW GRANDBOSS GOT HER JOB. She got hired for a year on contract because BigBoss wanted her, then they created a job for her (specifically written for her, according to Lioness later), she applied for the job she was already doing and got hired. This smacked of hypocrisy, to say the least. Also, isn't that how a lot of people get jobs?! Didn't they tell Lioness she had to apply to "officially" work in my work group (note: they said this while she was out on family leave) after she'd been transferred into it? What the hell?!?

I gather Sarah asked about possible advancement in the interview (to which I said, HAHAHAHAH BEEN HERE 18 YEARS AND I CAN'T ADVANCE, BECAUSE I AM HORRIBLE--seriously, the only way to advance here is to either (a) have your boss leave and you get a sudden promotion, or (b) you get another job elsewhere) and Grandboss told her she should get a college degree. HAHAHAH THAT HAS DONE NOTHING FOR ME, THANKS! Tigress has one too, so same there.

Sarah, as far as I can tell, got treated by Grandboss in that meeting the way I get treated in my bad meetings with her. A lot of nitpicking and long winded discussion of all of her faults. Sarah started crying over Zoom and was trying to hide it and then had to turn her camera off.

Now, on the good news side, if such a thing can be said at this point, boss got her contract extended for four months.... so she can train the winning candidate. YEAH. And supposedly if we're ever allowed to hire more people and if Sarah wants to apply to be the front desk girl or whatever, my boss will support her. I asked, "yeah, but will Grandboss support you, because if she doesn't like you, sounds like she'd sink that one too." (It also makes me think that if Hannah applies for anything, she's also doomed because I'm told Grandboss had some problem with her about....something.) I want to know what my un-aliased coworker does to be so perfect to get hired here twice. And Sarah got an interview somewhere else on Tuesday, so good for her. Much as it would screw me, it would serve them right to be all "You're going to train the winner for four months" and Sarah getting another job and being all BYEE BITCHES, SOMEONE ELSE WANTS ME and leave them (though also me) hanging.

We're all mad. Not just for the sadness of not getting to keep her, but by the crazy unfairness of it all. The bizarre crap that Grandboss was apparently spewing. Insisting on doing that over Zoom and then lecturing her about her interview until she cried. And if "conflict of interest" was such a problem, why did they set her up for that?! Nobody's blaming the boss for this, as it sounds like she got overruled by Grandboss. She's probably privately mad too but forced to support whatever Grandboss said. This gave me all kinds of deja vu to all the times I didn't get hired--in this office and elsewhere--but this was even worse. This gave me all kinds of deja vu to all the times I got lectured about my bad behavior too. I never thought Sarah would get that treatment, since she's cheerful and perky and exactly what they want around here. We discussed how Grandboss doesn't exactly seem to get how she comes across when she starts lecturing people as to how mean she's getting.

Sarah wished she could take the rest of the day off, but obviously she could not, being Tigress's last day and we still had one last afternoon of training. (I said, typical office, give you the shitty news bright and early in the day so that you have to pretend that you're okay for the rest of the day when you feel like complete shit.) But over Zoom, she was visibly wilted for the afternoon. She looked like I do every day. I'm even gladder I keep the camera off. That poor girl. She couldn't concentrate for most of the day either. Again, like I feel every day. Tigress managed to zoom through problem solving all of the outstanding weird email questions, thank goodness, so that's done. Then we ended up staying late (about 20 minutes late for Sarah and I, most of an hour late for Tigress since she's supposed to be getting off at 4:30) to commiserate some more. I was going to do some online lecture at 5, but skipped that, obviously.

We love you, Tigress, but what a shitty way to end your last day. You tried, that's all we can say. You gave months of notice so they could hire someone else and it was all fail. You tried to train someone new for months, and it was all fail. You got hamstrung at every fucking turn. We are grateful that you, at least, are out of all of this drama, for the rest of your life. You will never have to care about any of this BS again. She said we could call her if we absolutely have to, and I said I think she needs some time and space away from me for a while under the circumstances! I don't know if we'll ever see her again for a retirement party, under the current life shitty circumstances. I would bet that if miracles don't happen within a year, it never will and it'll be forgotten about by everyone* if it takes two years or five years or never before people can congregate in groups and share food again. And also our office is too broke to throw parties, remember. (But they still want to have office retreat this year...I vote we fucking skip it under the circumstances.)

* though I admit the photos sent out today of the drive-by parade were pretty memorable.

I can't even express how I cannot "take the lead" on training some complete newbie--I don't care how much experience they have in offices like ours, unless their other giant orgs work exactly the same as ours, that won't necessarily mean much in practice. Which means we have to start all over on training someone from scratch. Again. Which is what our other coworkers were also complaining about, and I thanked Lioness for bringing that up in the last Super Big Boss meeting. It was brought up by Lioness (a) why don't I take some pills to stop crying and (b) "why don't I start on some new adventure?" I gag on pills and nobody wants me to adventure in their offices. She was all "look elsewhere." That hasn't gone great either. (And frankly, enough people are job hunting that direly need work now that I don't ethically feel like I should.) I was thinking, hey, let's not talk about my issues today...even though I admitted that I am not doing well and have seriously considered going out on stress leave, though that will only make things worse. And while I don't mind training people if I know what I'm doing, this is gonna be "has somewhat more vision but not a lot" training the blind, especially on doing shit that I haven't really been able to learn since a lot of shit has been canceled. Oh yeah, and doing all of this while mentally hampered due to stress and pandemic. I really needed Sarah to take over the job, because except for today she's been able to learn better than I have and took a bunch of notes, whereas I was staring at the computer while words flew in one ear and out the other without staying in my brain.

So, literally, they picked the worst possible option they could do here. Just like the US government. I am so mad right now. I can't even with how mad I am right now. Grandboss likes to brag about how she has a PhD in Murphy's Law? I guess so given the decisions she's making.

My new theory is that whoever was going to get hired for the job before the last time it got killed by HR may have applied again...and presumably they were Grandboss-approved.

Another night of drinking for me.

I texted Shanna and she said "I'm trying to get healthier myself. Too many breakdowns. We deserve peace." I said it is Breakdown Week.

In other news, I got a call from the onsite apartment manager saying that she couldn't find some part or other to do it, so she's having our repair guy come tomorrow morning. Fine by me, I said. That guy is competent. They are also making us clean off our porches for "cleaning," which means I am going to have to throw out most or all of my patio furniture because there is no room to fit that stuff in my living room (especially the large outside table, really can't fit that anywhere), and it's all covered in bugs. Plus that means I will have to go outside, and Sneezy McCoughsALot may very well come outside to sneeze and cough again while I'm doing it. I'm furious about that too.

I heard from Director Linda saying that only four people were interested in doing Robin Hood--definitely not Scott.* She will have to try to recruit other people, rewrite the script, etc. I actually got up the nerve to say that if you're rewriting the script--and we only had one guy say he was interested in doing it and four women (Cameron, Bridget, Alexis, me), could they possibly rewrite it so that the non-Maid Marian roles for women did more, because the other parts are four ladies in waiting who do next to nothing and are literally interchangeable. I apologized for being forward and she can ignore me if she wants and I know it's not my place.... but hell with it, if she's gonna have to rewrite it anyway, The day is bad enough anyway, what else do I got to lose. Anyway, she took it well, said she might make one character female, it's fine to give notes, etc. So I gave her another one about how the character I read in the reading was in the first few scenes and disappeared after that, so maybe just keep reusing people throughout or so....God knows I'm not a successful playwright or anything, I never wrote any good plays when I was attempting it, but what the hell. Thanks to Kelly for helping me get up the nerve on that one, inadvertently. And at least that went well.

*Still mad about this one too. Yeah, he ignored my email from the other day too.

Speaking of and speaking of: still happily corresponding with Kelly the playwright about theater stuff, today was a lot of how she's not into Shakespeare and at some point I mentioned that (a) my high school turned Macbeth into a musical with songs (no, I don't remember what the hell songs they did) and (b) that we had "Always Look On The Bright Side of Life" in As You Like It. Somehow she confused the two and thought we did "Always Look On The Bright Side of Life" in Macbeth.


Which now leads me to think, where the hell would you stick it in Macbeth?!? God knows Laure would probably have an idea....

Anyway: obviously I have been trying to think of some damn thing to talk to Scott about that isn't just gonna go "How are you doing?" "Fine" (or alternately, "Why the heck don't you want to do the play?"), but this was officially a funny enough thing to have happened that I would have normally said something to him (or anyone who ah, Had Issues with the use of that song), so I did. "Oh good god." Anyway, after a bit of that, I got up the nerve to ask why he wasn't doing it and he said he hadn't really read the email but is working 11 hour days six days a week so probably wouldn't have time to do it. Waaaaaaaaaaah, on many levels with that. Then we had work rants.

Well, at least I got up the nerve to try talking to him tonight. So there's something. I tried. At least some conversation happened. Per this Pick A Card: "this connection can't be progressed too much."

I also ended up texting a lot with Sarah (commiserating), Shanna (will talk tomorrow night) and Mom (just chatting).

Oh my god, I just saw this ad from Kaiser asking people to count how many hugs they haven't given, how many hands they haven't held, how many dinners they haven't been to, all the trips they haven't taken, because that's how many lives they've saved. "But keep on keeping track, we'll make up for it later." If I keep track of that shit I am just going to cry to infinity.

Where is my alcohol again? Oh, it's right here. Time to finish the bottle.

Just got off the phone with my mom. The presumed 4th of July visit from Evan is off, as both my mom and Roger don't think it's safe. Well, that's sensible, at least.

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