On the one hand, I got to sleep in until 10:20, which was delightful. Then the Lawn Guys started up, but for some reason they were bizarrely short at it today.

In other reasons to be pissed off at apartment management, we were all served notices to remove everything from our patios so they can do power washing, whatever that is. I determined that (a) I had NO room in my apartment to fit all the patio furniture inside it and (b) it's all covered in cobwebs and dirty and I do not have a hose to hose that shit down and I don't want to waste my last roll of paper towels cleaning the bugs off, and (c) IT'S NOT LIKE I CAN USE MY PATIO ANYWAY THANKS TO SNEEZY MCCOUGHSALOT. I give up. Those who do not want me to use my patio get to win. They win! They win! They beat me! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

So I had to go outside NOT on schedule around 11:15 (Sneezy McCoughsalot likes to take his time sneezing and coughing between 8-10 and around 5 p.m. so I had to go in between*) to tediously pick up dirty furniture and drag it down the street to the trash area, and take down all my fence decorations. I found out the asshole vandal cut the lights I had strung out there, so that's awesome. It was the most sweating and exercise I've done since the pandemic. I was breathing heavily so it's a good thing nobody was by me and my droplets. A few people were out, as usual, without masks again. I had on all of my layers of mask AND my new face shield in case Sneezy came out, plus all the bugs. I ended up bruising my shin, of course, so that's always a joy.

* I guess he slept in this morning, he went out for his daily cough at 1:15 today.

Then when I finally staggered back inside to take a shower and thought I found a rock in my shoe between my toes, it was a BUG and it stung me and was CRAWLING when I flung it out of there and left a stinger behind. So there I was, a naked wreck, going, "I've never been stung by anything before, I better not go into beesting shock while I'm in this condition because man, I can't do anything about it." I did not. It has swollen up like me getting a weird bug bite, though. Won’t be doing 90 minutes of walking around the house for a few days now.

After all of that, we had our reading of the fart play (called "Tailwind"). Kelly had three of her friends reading. A married couple switched off reading the role of the (literally strict) principal, the other guy and I switched off reading the parent roles. The plot is that a very priggish principal calls in the parents to complain that their sons have brought a fart machine to school and have been setting it off all over the place, with one of them finally farting the Pledge of Allegiance. One parent (John) is the "straight man" for the most part, but he's the one who bought the fart machine for his son when the son was a kid. Both parents know each other well enough to know that they both like farts. The other parent (either Eric or Erica) thinks all of this is funny, is kind of bro'ish, and gets ahold of the fart machine and keeps playing with it. Instead of the kids getting expelled, everyone works together to figure out a "let the punishment fit the crime" in an educational fashion. It's great.

The one disappointment in this was that the farting app Kelly was using was just not very loud over the computer and could barely be heard on the mic. She had a dog toy (which the other lady and I wanted to see) but she said that wasn't very loud either and really did set off the dogs a lot, so...no, sigh.

Anyway, she got a lot to work with and asked if I'd read/perform it again and I said HELL YEAH!!!!!!!!!

Third activity of the day was going to an "Improvised Tarot" show in which one girl who reads tarot + one comedian who also reads tarot (six of those) talk about your life problems while throwing in some snark. I did NOT know they were going to film this live on YouTube, but...oh well....I just went with it. So technically the entire Internet may somehow find out about my love issues. Oh, wait, I have this journal, but nobody reads it so who gives a fuck. Whatever any more, I wanted a tarot reading and I got one.

I will note that a bachelorette party was in attendance at this, a fact that delighted the hosts.

Anyway, I volunteered to be first up and asked whether or not I should continue to bother Scott if he's super overloaded at work or leave him be. The main reader/hostess, Brittany, said she had something similar going on with her (would have loved to have chatted that out privately) and she wanted to vet if this fellow was worth waiting for. Good point. The other reader was a fellow named Stan, who I felt quite some affection for after this experience. I liked him. (Yes, you are cuter and more trustworthy than Flavor Flav, sir.) The first card drawn was The Hermit, OF COURSE. Brittany said that this one comes up all the time these days in quarantine, and there was some discussion that saying he's working 11 hour days is not probably a lie (well, I didn't think so).
Stan's assessment: "If you want it, you're gonna have to go after it. You're gonna have to do some digging. Do a little bit more to come out of his shell."

Brittany drew a card for "is he worth pursuing" and got the Knight of Cups. Stan's assessment: "Once you cut him out of his cave he's the right guy for you." "Don't give up. Don't let a hundred thousand deaths stop you from going for love. The pandemic shouldn't hold you back." AWWWWWWWWW

Brittany's assessment was that the Hermit is inward energy, getting his shit together, introspection, and the Knight of Cups is flirtation, chemistry, someone in his feelings, makes impulsive decisions, this time is weird for him. No reason to run here, though!

So.... there you go.

If I can only figure out how to talk to him. I was going to write him about the farting play, but somehow can't figure out how to do it since it wasn't quite as insane of an experience as I was expecting, plus what Shanna said about maybe not be the one who's always telling jokes...

Other folks asked about the following:
* The bride asked about how her fiance is annoyed at her being a bed hog, which turned into a lot of jokes about his giant penis. The card was Knight of Pentacles, I think?
* One girl asked about switching into the tech industry and tarot thumbs-up'd that. Ace of Swords, 8 of Pentacles.
* One lady can't make up her mind which house to get and got the answer of "It's going to work out fine either way," but go with your gut and what is the most secure option. Wheel of Fortune, Ace of Pentacles.
* Another girl asked how her new relationship was going to go and got well, some cards indicating dude might be an ex-player and while the cards aren't bad, they aren't soulmate-y either. Two of Pentacles, 3 of Cups, Hanged Man.

Tonight I am watching the National Theatre/Bridge Theatre Midsummer Night's Dream with Gwendoline Christie playing Hippolyta and Titania.
*The beginning is very dark, with everyone in black and Hippolyta LITERALLY BEING KEPT IN A CLEAR BOX AND IT IS SO CREEPY. She looks miserable. The line "What cheer, my love" got an awkward laugh from the audience. The ladies looked a bit handmaid-ish with their headscarves. It's very creepy religion/funeral-looking.
* It's one of those black box/'theater in the round" (well, square stage but audience surrounds them). I find that disappointing because I love how Midsummer frequently has such great forest sets.
* There is an amusing "finger guns" moment between Lysander and Hermia. I was not expecting finger guns.
* The guy playing Bottom is a delightful, cheerful hoot who wanders off stage and then is all "oh, I wasn't expecting that" when his name is called. He's in a bright yellow coverall compared to everyone else's doom outfits.
* Flute is told he's going to be Pyramus's love. Bottom waves. Flute whines and tries to show his beard. He is in a red coverall with a nametag. What jobs are they working in this show? Oh, I guess the name tags are their roles. Everyone's intimidated by the girl playing the lion.
* Botom seriously wants to do a one woman show. The lion girl literally gets up and roars at him. Later she says, "Who's he, Simba?" I don't think that was Shakespeare, somehow, call it a hunch.
* Lysander gets out of a bunk bed and packs his guitar for the trip. What? He and Hermia have leather jackets.
* Uh....what just happened? I am guessing these new weird people are fairies? One has glitter. Gwendoline is sitting there watching this while wrapped in a bedsheet. They fly one fairy up in the air with a bedsheet, then another. I have never seen ROPE ACTS in Shakespeare before.
* Ohhhhh, they doubled Hippolyta and Theseus as Titania and Oberon. That makes sense. They're even more hating on each other here, but Titania has a better outfit. And a lovely long fishtail braid.
* Waaaaait a minute, I think they switched the roles. Oberon and Titania are fighting over a kid. According to the script, the boy's mother was a friend of Titania's and the mother died and Titania wants to raise him, but Oberon also wants the kid. (Once again, I say, y'all are married, right? You can't share?) In the script, Oberon wants the kid to be his henchman and Titania is all, I was friends with his mother. This play just took away a bunch of Titania's lines and swapped them with Oberon's, so now he claims the kid's mother was HIS friend and she just wants a henchman. WHAT.
* Ohhhh, so in this one Titania is pranking Oberon with putting the love spell on him. Whoa.
* "Thou shalt know the man by the Athenian garments he has on." Puck, NOT PAYING ATTENTION: "Yeah, yeah, yeah."
* The bed floating through the air reminds me of the Peter Pan ride.
* Still seems weird that beds are just...hanging around in the forest, though.
* Lysander breaks out his guitar to sing about Hermia. I"m amused that Puck finds who he thinks is the Athenian by literally hanging above him.
* Wow, lovestruck Lysander with his guitar is downright unnerving. Also turned into some kind of rock star?
* Bottom is all hey, let's check with someone in the audience as to when the next full moon is! Let me check your phone.... "Unlock your calendar, I beseech you." AND THEN THEY SELFIE. Er, "portrait!"
* I do love this Bottom, he's just EXTREMELY ENTHUSIASTIC. And wants to direct. I think the Wall is about to bite him.
" Plays are boooooooring," whines Puck, wandering into rehearsal. And acting behind Bottom's act.
* I'm disappointed in Bottom's donkey head, it's just ears attached to a hat.
* Oberon FLOATS DOWN ON A BED in love with Bottom. Daaaaaaaaaaaaaamn.
* Now straddling on a bed is going on. DAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN. Please don't let this get rapey.
* Bottom's waves to the fairies is cute.
" "Mmmmm MULBERRIESSSSS" is...quite a delivery of a line, there.
* Ditto the very sexy deliveries of the lines "Hail."
* And then we have the Beyonce and stripping and....Oberon jumping around like a bunny....???? Yeah, there is probably actual banging off screen in this one. Oberon is VERY BOUNCY. I would be concerned about that much jumping on a bed while it floats in the air, myself...
* OH MY LORD JUST ALL OF THIS.
* Titania just lets out a giant SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE at "My master with a monster is in love!"
* Puck just has a GIANT SLOW SULLLLLLLLLLLLLK at being sent out to fix his mistake. "Swifter than arrows I go," he says, as slowly as possible. And then he falls through a hole in the bed and disappears!
* At one point Hermia is sandwiched between the dudes on the bed like a threesome. Poor Helena!
* Oh, speaking of, Titania just magicked the girls to make out with each other. THAT WAS UNEXPECTED.
* Also unexpected: OBERON AND BOTTOM IN A BUBBLE BATH. I believe that's the chick playing the lion wearing a lovely dress and singing now. Then Oberon gets out, wearing.... bubbles..... Bottom joins in the singing from the ah...bathroom phone? There is an old fashioned phone attached to the bathtub?
* "My amiable cheeks do coy," INDEED. Also, large... EARS.
* "How I dote on thee!" "Babe, babe, babe, not right now, I have a headache." THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.
* The look of horror on Oberon's face just did kinda make it rapey. "How came these things to pass?" he says in a shuddering tone. Puck starts humming sexy music.
* "I can see clearly now, the rain is gone" plays as Oberon looks sheepishly, then they both break out laughing. Bottom's bed is floated away as the royals hug. Wait, they just said they're going to dance at Theseus's wedding? Uh...you play them both....? How?
* Oberon wants to know how this happened, which is not a conversation we see onscreen. I"d love to see how the fuck Titania explains/justifies that shit. I doubt he'd be so amused otherwise. But I think I have to think of this like fairies in the October Daye series: almost all of them are bisexual (except October and January, I think they're the only canon monosexuals) because they've been around forever and who cares about nitpicking that shit, fairies may well boink anyone.
* Theseus and Hippolyta are out in hunting gear. This is so much less fun.
* Wait, they just somehow enacted a flashback over Theseus's head of Oberon's nightly activities.... no, seriously, while playing the lines and the bed floating over.... and that has apparently changed Theseus's mind to let the lovers be and get married to who they want to marry. He also sounds a bit scared to talk to Hippolyta now? Hmmmmmmmmmm.
* Lysander and Hermia are into each other again, but this Demetrius still doesn't seem that into Helena....
* Bottom can't even say what he thought he ah....
* I like that in the last scene Hippolyta has a lovely dress and is much perked up.
* They actually act out the pieces that weren't picked to be watched after the wedding. Hmmm. One involves a lot of balloons?
* The Rude Mechanicals all have purple uniform sweatshirts with "Rude Mechanicals" written out on them on the back. "I will hear THAT PLAY!" is like they won in a game show.
* Quince's explanation of the play is a ... dance number.
* Wall is carrying around two bricks and Pyramus has a lightsaber. What time period IS THIS? Wall is NOT enjoying this. "We're in the round. We're in the round," Pyramus says, forcing her to spin.
* Thanks for explaining the plot again since Thisbe missed her cue. Just check Wall's miserable face during this.
* "I SEE A VOICE!"
* These two guys do not want to actually kiss each other through the wall. It's not quite a "no homo" (not in this play) but they do move away and shake their fingers to the audience in a "nuh-uh" sort of way. Maybe the line "I kiss the wall's hole" seems to have triggered some memory in Bottom? (Har har, BOTTOM.)
* Theseus is a real brain trust when Lion comes on. "Ohhhhhh, it's a HAT." Hippolyta's look at him for THAT one. "...Yeah," says the lion.
* Theseus on the play after Hippolyta squawks after a flashlight is flashed in her face; "It's immersive."
* I've never seen Lysander and Demetrius like, get up and get into the show before?
* "All I have to say to you is that the lantern is a moon." I think the audience feels sad for him. AND THEN HE HAS A LITTLE WHITE DOG TOY THAT HE PUSHES A BUTTON TO MAKE IT WALK SO ADORABLE.
* "I AM IMPROVISING!" the lion declares as she picks up Thisbe and beats up Pyramus. "DON'T MESS WITH THE LION!"
* And somehow an alarm has been turned on. SHUT OFF THE DOG! SHUT OFF THE DOG!!!!!!!!!!!
* Pyramus has a loud, active definition of death. "Blood and guts! Blood and guts! More blood and guts!"
* Thisbe just dragged all of the brides into the show. And forces Hippolyta to stab her.
* "Oh, no epilogue, I pray you."
* ANOTHER DANCE NUMBER!!!!!!!!
* Bottom and Theseus have some suspiciously weird eye contact....
* Wait, Hermia and Helena just randomly made out again. And then one dude ruffles another's head.
* Dance party ending two! And giant inflatable balls are going through the audience!

Highly recommended. That's why you gotta love this show: always be crazy.

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