I was cranky during collage group again. They wanted to talk about meditation and I don't really want to meditate or talk about meditating. I don't want to do another one. Jade did do a nice one about what your wishes are, but then there was a "open the piece of paper and see what message is in there for you" bit and mine was nothing but a squiggle on a piece of paper. I don't want to imagine more crap and lies to myself to give myself hope.

Problem is, I was happier lying to myself and giving myself hope, and I was happier with crumbs than an honest "there's literally nothing out here for me I want" or "just cave in and date Frank already." It's been three months and I miss it all. I'm trying to not lie to myself any more because lies aren't good either, but making up bullshit in my head in a meditation like it's a message from God, it ain't, fuck it.

Incidentally, Meg's was all about the family farm property and what she wants to do with it. However, she hasn't actually been there in years because her brother and SO who live on the property have actively tried to drive her out, yelling, someone called the police on her vehicle to get it towed....crap like that. She's telling herself in meditation all these positive things about making the place into a special home, and I just thought, "That's what you want to hear, but you can't actually do that until presumably after your brother dies" (he's dying) "and it's actually safe for you to go there and bring people there." I didn't say that, though.

After that, I went to the gym. I was going to make a reservation at the gym and they said that as of oh, last Monday, they stopped taking reservations and you can drop in whenever you want. Hmmmm. I did have to do the symptom survey on the phone (turned out they changed our webmail address, which is why it didn't work last week) and still wear a mask, though. I read a book while listening to a podcast and mentioned this on group text when asked how I was doing, and then when Kelly was all "you're doing all of that?" I was all "c'est ma vie, oui." (Nice to know I can speak ONE sentence of French still.) Then I got the car gassed and washed. Super exciting.

I watched Scott's radio play show. 8 young playwrights doing short plays, mostly seeming to involve possible murder/death or the afterlife a lot. (Did they have a theme? One of the playwrights even had the last name Hitchcock, which was even funnier.) He mostly played bad guys, but his ability to do different voices and whatnot definitely worked for the ones he was in (half of them). He was amazing as usual. God, I miss seeing him act (er, hearing it this time), but it probably helped to literally not see him today. He's so good at it. I like his voice so much.

I changed my name on Zoom settings to try to be more anonymous, but then it proceeded to show my full name with last name anyway when I logged on, so I quickly changed it to "Jennifer" and well, hopefully he didn't see that. I saw that his best friend and his wife were logged on and his grandma, didn't spot anyone else (what, no Cameron? no parents?). I had no camera on, didn't chat in the chat, stayed quiet. He'll never know for sure I came.

I already knew I wasn't over it, for the record. He's sadly not an ex-crush yet after three months of no contact, no trying on my part. Watching his show today didn't help, of course, but I was going to watch it anyway. Even if we never speak again, I'll probably still want to sneak into the back of his shows, watch them and then sneak out again so he doesn't know about it.

I really want to talk to him. I miss him. I'd have an excuse today. He kinda reached out to me, I kinda reached out back by showing up...in a vague way, both of us admitting we still care, at least a little.

But what is the point? I'll be disappointed no matter what happens, he'll probably say nothing. I'm going to end up feeling bad if I don't contact him and I'm going to feel bad if I do and miracles don't somehow happen. I texted my shrink and she said I could choose to be ok with that kind of result, but I'm really not cool and okay with it. I want more and I can't get more. The smart choice is not to try to get more and I know that, but today I am a bleeding heart instead of a stone wall. I'm feeling this song. THE WAITING, THE WAITING, THE WAIIIIIIIIIIITIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG....

Ugh, when can I just meet someone else already that I can care about instead of him?!?! That would really help.

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