Another ucky work day where everyone is overloaded. At least all the international mail finally came through so THAT can get done. Most of my day was answering emails going "where is it? where is it? You said June! I need it now!" Some actually got mailed, though nobody who emailed me was on that list. Ah well, at least SOME got done. But god forbid we not work for an entire DAY and then some people are going to go on vacation! Which makes it even worse! "You have to take a vacation," some manager said. But it only makes it worse on you when you return, some of us pointed out. No answer to that one.

Oh, and phone training is on again for Thursday! Shoot me now. I read some survey on how many people think about suicide and it was over 80% of them. Yeah, I feel suicidal at least six times a day on a workday because death is the only way I can leave without having to worry about how to take care of myself for the rest of my life, and I can't swing it without this job.

Therapy: well, THAT was interesting today. Lots of boy-whining AGAIN and me regretting that I tried, again. I always regret what I did do and not what I didn't. I don't get why others don't feel the same, really. She said I need to adjust my expectations and I don't know how hard it was for him to send it at all, and "he is a closed book." (Or door, as it were.) I'm mad at myself, of course, but should try to behave as if I'm okay.

"He has a hand on your heart in some shape or form, and they impact you," she said. Sigh.

I said that meditation was telling myself lies and she said I was trying to create something magically instead of pragmatically, and really I should be putting the magic on me to be appealing to him. Um, what? I've barely been around him for over a year, it's not like he's seeing me being appealing at all these days IRL and obviously whatever connection we had didn't work without IRL hangouts, I said. It's not like I've been able to be fabulous at karaoke around him or whatever. She said no, that's a shield, and he enjoys the real you, not the phony you. He wants to meet you at a real level. "The realer you are, he responds." "You were real with him. You weren't hiding who you are." She said if I put off the vibe of being uncomfortable, he will run off, so I need to fake being less uncomfortable (more or less on the faking).

HMMMMMMMMMMMMM. That might explain a lot about how our moments were outside late at night alone. GOD I MISS THAT SO BAD and we didn't even do it all that often.

"He didn't want you to be gone, he doesn't want you to be gone. If he did, he wouldn't reach out, ever," she said, noting that he did respond to the karaoke text even if not the email.

I assumed he wasn't ever going to, you know?

She said there is no reason for me to not be loved or to not have the kind of love that I want, and once I change that belief, I can let people in and then they will show up. I don't know what to make of that one.

Oh, and regarding situations where you can't make a decision like quitting the Craft Center (speaking of, she is caving in and going to move to the East Coast to be with family rather than try to live in CA without 'em.... eventually. Oh well, we do phoners anyway), she said either jump in or wait until you know. Which makes sense. "You can't make me decide right now." If you're not ready, you're not ready. She said I do the psychic stuff as confirmation but really I could just flip coins, and thus she made me flip coins. I said either way I'm unhappy with the result I got and I knew I was going to be, so...

Shrek rehearsal: "Hannah, get used to mayonnaise on white bread. That's not fair, it's not right, it's MIRACLE Whip on white bread." -Steve on Hannah getting into college in Utah. "Much better than MY Sugar Plum Fairy." -Adam to Arianna, in Sugar Plum Fairy pink hair and outfit. "Steve, put your Facebook game away." -Jan "She always chooses when I'm on Zoom to break out the loudest dog toys." -Judah "Barney always starts barking while we're on Zoom." -Jan Morgan forgot her props in Hugo's car, Steve starts thrashing and tearing out hair. "What just happened, I hate Hugo more." -Steve Jean calls Jan, Steve starts acting out a phone call. "I don't listen when people talk to me." -Steve "I can put her in an oven if you like." -Steve re: Dannette as Gingy "By the way, during this show, you'll hear me laughing a lot." -Steve "Arianna, I have the dragon from Game of Thrones that's gonna morph into you. Really." -Steve "Morning Person is a Very Serious Song." -Steve (it's not). Steve imitating a bird is a hoot. Jan breaks out a barbell to show off to Andy as he pretends to weightlift. Later she breaks out a stick horse as Andy rides his broom. "She'll be back, soon you'll see...." Andy sings. Jokes were made that Andy's horse should be coconuts.

We got to see a few musical scenes done. * The guards scenes--very crowded. I had a hard time figuring out which one was me (the one with the fat head...), but he put me right in front when I bobbled in that one scene, sigh. I will note that some of us, me included, got quite cheesy on the last bit, but that was intended. * I Know It's Today: the three Fionas. One of them (#2) appears to be...floating? She seems kinda a foot up in the air from the balcony ground. I just want to be MOVE HER DOWN. Then Big Fiona's book totally gets green screened and does all kinds of weird shit. The singing is lovely, though. (The waiting, the waiting, the WAITING.....) * The ... "Who I'd Be" song? I forget the name of it since I have nothing to do with it. Very touching, though. Fiona is very very green. * When Words Fail: Great moonlit background on this one. * Big Bright Beautiful World (Wedding Version). The handholding is a little off... * Finale song: very short, "that's the longest song in the show."

It's all comedy, I guess.

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