Chaos Attraction

Planning Gone Awry

2009-06-30, 2:34 p.m.

I am now up to three all-blue feathers (and a ton of half-blue. Who knew blue jays had HALF-blue feathers and half gray?) found. Oh, the irony.

So my boss is now officially gone, after pretty much doing the "goodbye" dance for like a month and a half here, changing the last day of work a bunch of times, theoretically "coming in" and then I didn't see her vs. seeing her on days she wasn't supposed to come in...I got all confused.

Yesterday was the "last day" goodbye lunch for her and a retiree. Got to talk to her at the end, but that was all. At this point we've said goodbye enough times that I didn't know what to say any more.

Man, I hate goodbyes. No wonder most of the time I just kind of walk off and never say them.

Finished the scrapbooking just in time for the appointment. Now I have to put together an online portfolio and write a functional resume. Whee. Oh well, at least the portfolio work is done.

I have spent the entire month cleaning my apartment of papers. I am about 80% done on purging now. Amazing. Naturally, this means that I am going to have to hostess at least one group event at my house in August because (a) the usual people who hostess stuff no longer can due to new shitty roommates, and (b) well, if my house is clean enough to let people into it (which is to say, my giant pile of collage papers on the furniture no longer exists...).

We are going to be having a lot of personal development stuff going on during the summer since almost nothing was being done during the spring. Which is great. Until I realized that my lone free night a week is now booked almost every night :P Dammit!

So far three people have signed up for beginning sewing. Class officially runs at 4. I am sort of rooting for them to cancel it, but I don't think they will do that if there are 3 people (plus I have been in classes where there were 3 enrolled before). Sigh. I am so not in the mood to do lesson plans and crap for this. I don't really want to be all "Okay, this week we're going to learn how to do darts, next week we install zippers," I mostly just want to be all, "pick a project, I'll help you do it." Hey, that's how I learned. But apparently this is not how the other teachers work, so I should probably do what they do to be consistent and all.

Essentially, I am just doing this to be nice and to make the CC money. I can't get paid for this, it's a lot of time for me to be doing it (7:30 till 10 p.m., essentially), and I am not looking forward to 7 weeks of class (lately I don't even take classes that run longer than about 5 weeks). Bleah. Being nice really sucks sometimes.

Mom wants to quit therapy. "I can't afford it, she won't give me a discount." (Uh, because you spend money like it's water and claim not to have any financial issues, plus the state's not going to screw YOU out of pay? No wonder she doesn't. I think Mom is just mad that she can't charge it.)

I was REALLY looking forward to group therapy day on Friday like you wouldn't believe after the craziness of the previous weekend. But it didn't happen because despite her not even being at work that day so she could have left early, "OMGTRAFFIC", then she got herself lost trying to avoid the OMGTRAFFIC, and didn't make it in time. Now we got charged for an appointment that didn't happen and I am somewhat pissed at her for this.

I don't much care if she cancels her own sessions with the shrink (I don't think it's doing any good anyway, since she can't remember anything she talked about and from what I've heard from the shrink, all Mom talks about is everyone else's drama), but I am rather pissed if/when she quits the group stuff, because THAT was helping.

Oh, did I mention that Mom called me EIGHT TIMES on Saturday? At one point she thought the hamster was dead (giving me flashbacks to my hamster dying years ago, thanks, Mom) because the hamster was hiding in her bedding. Then she freaked because the hamster didn't seem to like her new nutritious food. I was all, "EIGHT TIMES, MOTHER."

This weekend is a by-command family gathering at Aunt Susie's, so whee, more time with Mom. And presumably a makeup shrink appointment for group therapy sometime on Friday since neither of us has to work. IF this occurs, I'm making Mom drive up here Thursday night. I have learned my lesson that if you give her an entire day to get up here she still can't make it on time by 6 p.m. *grumble*

I think I have seen Mom on pretty much every weekend for one reason or another since...March?

I cannot figure out for shit what I want to do with my life, or a backup job plan, or jack shit really. I am so tired of not being able to come up with anything after 2 1/2 years of heavy pondering.

All I've got is that I don't want to pick just ONE THING to do, that I don't want to freelance/start my own business/give up insurance for life and yet there is no way to do a bunch of projects in different areas that would allow me to have health insurance and not run my own business/freelance. Oh, and I want to be a big shot. I can't figure out why, but dear lord, I have been trying for years to talk myself out of that one and logic just is not working to do it. Of course, it would help if I picked a field to be a big shot in, but that boils down to "can't pick just one" again.

I canNOT pin this puppy down any better than that no matter how much my shrink tries to nail it down in therapy. It'd be great if I could come up all the plans B-Z that everyone talks about these days, but see how that's going:

Plan B: The Practical Plan, which would probably boil down to "sell soul for McD's job if/when get canned, because I have nothing to offer."

Plan C: The Slightly Practical Plan, i.e. "try to get a writing job", which is what the career counselor came up with. This is only considered "practical" because of all my useless life skills, that's the only one I ever got paid for in the past and I have nothing else to put on a resume. (Shrink said to this, "This should be Plan B and Plan B should be Plan Z." I said, "No, Plan Z is...", well see below)

Plan D: The Your Own Business/Freelance Something Backup Plan, which I just plain don't wanna do no matter how much I try to talk myself into it. My heart is so not into this that it's left the building screaming.

Plan E: The Self-Help Books Plan, which amounts to "do a lot of soul searching and reading and write down what your goals are and figure out what your life purpose is and then go from there." Been trying this. Still have not found my purpose, much less where to go from there.

(There is no "go back to school" plan like everyone else has, because I cannot muster interest in grad school or going into debt just to stall on employment for a few years.)

Plan Z: The Plan of Death, i.e. lose job, move into Mom's house, life is over because I can't get a job in the olde hometowne, hell ensues.

Um, yeah.

I am thinking of doing a NaNoWriMo during July, rather than endlessly pondering job shit.

The way my "process" works is that I tend to have plot ideas floating around in my head (mostly when going to sleep) for years on end, and eventually I decide to follow one during November. I usually haven't thought them out much beyond the beginnings, which is where it gets tricksy. However, I can't help but notice that in the last few years, once I write the idea, I am most thoroughly SICK OF IT by the end of the month. Like for years I had this plot idea about people working at a radio station that I thought was cool (I believe that was...two years ago?). After having to think out every detail and write it down, dear lord, I no longer think this.

Anyhoo, I have an irritating plot idea that won't leave my brain (even worse, someone just wrote a novel with a similar plot, that I just bought. I am still up in the air as to whether or not it works), and at this point I just want to EXORCISE it from me. If I write it out in great detail, I will be vomitously sick of the thing and get the hell over it, right?

No, I'm not saying what it is, because this puppy will not see the light of day no matter what even if it has good parts. It's not exactly H@rry/Sn@pe fanfiction (please let this not come up in searches for that) or Harlequin romance involving Greek billionaire's secret babies, but it'd be more of a romantic plot than I usually ever write, and odds are it'd be really effing weird for blackhearted me to pull off. But the thing won't leave my brain, so...let's just crap out that turd and flush it, and then I can write something decent in November. Well, that's my thinking, at least.

In semi-related news, this comic. Hah.

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