It's kind of an irritatingly crappy week so far, and it's only Tuesday.

1. Why is it that the Fourth of July, a holiday that is supposed to be So! Much! Fun!, somehow isn't any more? At least not for me. Well, okay, all holidays (other than last Thanksgiving) seem to be a bust these days, but somehow on the 4th I never find myself whooping it up the way you are supposed to. Even last year, when I was in freaking Hawaii, was more mellow than I expected (though god knows it was more interesting than being here). It's just sad that THREE DAY WEEKEND!!!!!!!! is going on, and yet I am not excited. Looking forward to three days to play with yarn (see below), but that's about it for my excitement.

I am griping because the party I was supposed to go to got canceled. Speaking of bust... Since there was a possibility of this being canceled, Mom has been asking and asking and asking if the party is still going to go on. Because SHE got invited to a big blast and she can bring guests, so...Argh. Yes, I'll probably (a) lie and (b) go over to Merry's to do nothing much for awhile instead, but it's still kind of an issue to worry about. And makes for another dull-ass 4th.

Mom and I are at a ... uneasy truce, I guess. She "doesn't understand" why I'm mad at her and keeps saying I need to forgive her, but mostly she is too intimidated to talk to me much. Yay. That said, so not wanting to see her any time soon, and I'm going to have to. At the very least, next weekend if not this one.

2. I am also having really stupid dreams. Which kinda boil down to:
(a) Why is it that every time I dream about going to a foreign country, I dream about really foul toilets there? Gee, no wonder I've never wanted to travel out of the country.
(b) When you start dreaming about your teeth falling out again, IT'S TIME TO WAKE UP.

My dreams are about shit and teeth removal. Did I ever mention how much I hate dreaming?

3. No shrink appointment this week, due to the fucking 4th. Was unable to fit another time into her busy schedule. Sigh.

4. Another reason to be cranky where I was once excited:

Instead of doing the July version of NaNo, because I am apparently not at all motivated to write, I decided to do the Summer of Speed Yarnin'. I estimated that I finish around four projects during the summer, so why not go for oh, six this summer? I already have one skirt done and I'm nearing completion on a tank top, and I found a few crocheted tops and a purse to make, so...

Then I finished up a top I was making during the spring (then stopped working on due to being stumped by the pattern) last night and realized the damn thing is too big. Now I kind of want to start it over from scratch. Which is crazy. I'm not even sure if I would look good in it if I did. The helpful thing about Ravelry is that you can see what other people did on the same project very easily, but there's nobody that's done this project who has a similar body size to mine. I couldn't tell ahead of time, and I can't really tell on the huge size now.

But...it looks so dang cute on everyone else!

*sigh* I think I'm going to end up remaking it, at least partially. Argh.

6. I was supposed to have a meeting today about teaching a T-shirt reconstruction class. I was actually quite excited about it, making up a binder full of patterns I dug up off the Internet, making lists of places to find shirts and tutorials, making lists of what supplies to get...

I went by there at meeting time, only to find that nobody was there. THEY apparently translated "Wednesday" as "next Wednesday."

7. I have writer's group tonight, which already may be kind of pointless because nobody (including me, to be fair) submitted anything. I have the sneaking suspicion that my ride will have forgotten about the thing and flake on picking me up, which we were talking about last week, since he didn't get around to submitting anything. Oh well, if that happens I'll just go home and whine and drink some booze. Which is not bad either, I suppose.

8. I am continually vacillating between "Girl, just suck it up and be what your mom wants, it's too much pain not to," and "You should rip up and destroy your entire life and run the hell away." I am not at all sure if there's a middle version between the two choices. Unfortunately, having spent ten years with drama eruptions going on all the time, I sure as hell don't want to go with the destroy-everything option. (And moving away doesn't stop Mom from calling calling calling anyway. The distance thing doesn't bother me nearly as much as the phone stalking.) I am BURNED OUT on massive amounts of change. I canNOT bring myself to CHOOSE destruction rather than have it thrust upon me. Now, part of me wonders if my not choosing destruction means that I'm only asking for more lightning to strike me down at some point...and yeah, it probably does. But I can't even deal with making the decision to change apartments, much less any other change, so...

Yesterday I was clearly in "suck it up" mode and kept lecturing myself about it. Then I was reading this advice column letter. And then I was thinking, "How DARE I not go make some kind of drastic change, because for all I know I could get cancer and then even if I survive, my options will be REALLY limited and I might want change and be unable to do it!"

Then I proceeded to go headfirst down the Guilt Slide. Whee.

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