Chaos Attraction

Alone on the Fourth of July

2005-07-04, 8:22 p.m.

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Nothing quite like spending a holiday alone because nobody wants to be with you.

Well, more like, not a whole lot of people around that are local (though I am seeing Denise next weekend, at least), the people I want to see are out of town, and I sure as hell didn't want to see my family.

But mainly I'm kind of pissed that Heather and Chris went to the rodeo again this year, but DIDN'T invite me the way they did last year. Okay, so I have a sneaking suspicion they forgot, given Heather explaining to me how they were totally late last year- um, yeah, I know, BECAUSE I WAS THERE THEN. But still. Feelings are kinda hurt. And yet, I couldn't say anything about it- what good would it do? I know it's not like they hate me or something, given we were all chatting before they left....but still. Also a bit sucking considering that once they move to Sac I will rarely if ever see/hear from her again, I know that much. We're both busy and scatty.

Anyhoo, I've been feeling all unwanted all day. I did some cleaning, and Heather said I was free to throw away any of her dishes at this point because she's "just going to throw everything away and start over" at the Brand New Fabulous Apartment With Chris. (Though to be honest, I wonder how well this is going to go if he's still not employed yet...but not my pig farm to worry about this time. At any rate, Sac is cheap enough that it's probably not a worry if one person doesn't pay rent.) Which is kind of freeing- I really should just throw stuff in the trash instead of claiming I'll give it away to Salvation Army or Freecycle and then I'll never do it and it'll stay here forever.

I finally decided to drag my lamely alone and unwanted ass out to the local festivities, since they're held at a park a few blocks down from here. Now, normally, I'm pretty accustomed these days to traveling in a pack of one whenever I want to go to anything short of a bar. But I felt weird at this event- of course I'm the only one around without a large entourage of small children. Once in a great while you'd spot a few teenagers wandering around in hootchiewear. It was mostly picnics and volleyball and stuff like that. I walked around the whole perimeter trying to figure out where one could lay down a blanket by themselves without attracting attention, nearly chickened out and went home, then went back and picked a spot.

At which point some large family managed to get some object stuck VERY HIGH UP in the tree I was sitting under, and proceeded to spend 45 minutes throwing things into the tree, smacking the tree, breaking branches off the tree, climbing the tree, etc., etc. without so much as a "Watch out, something might land on your head" to me. I felt like one of those people who goes to the childfree message boards and rants about breederduds and moronsprogs in restaurants all of a sudden. I normally don't go around bitching like "OMG, children exist and don't act like adults!", but this time even the adults were being fairly ridiculous. Like, y'all, if it's THAT high up, is it that important to get? It's not like the kids were throwing crying fits for not getting their Frisbee back. And there was no need to start breaking branches off a healthy tree, either.

Anyway, they eventually gave up, and I sat under the tree reading a book for awhile. And after a few hours...just decided to go home without even bothering to stay for the fireworks. I felt like if I had to be alone, I'd rather be alone at my apartment and not so very publicly alone. Besides, the apartment has beverages and no PortaPotties, and online access so I can chat with the only people that are around for me on a daily basis any more.

I hate being a nerd. It doesn't matter how much I pretty up or dye my hair or wear hootchiewear myself- nerd is in me to the bone and people can tell I have no life and no friends.* Especially in daylight and in public on a holiday where you're supposed to be with friends and family.

Bleah. I'm so tired of my life and being me. Not that you haven't heard this before a billion fucking times. Why do I always have to be shy and timid and think that everyone's going to hate me at first sight, just because twentyish years ago a whole bunch of people did? Why am I freaked out to hang out with people my own age a good chunk of the time? Because I'm a nerd and assume they'll hate me, whereas people older than me by a few years don't and people younger than me by quite a few years more don't either. Why am I freaked the hell out to ask someone to do something with me instead of assuming nobody will want to go to X Event and just buy a ticket for one? Yeah, that hasn't ever gone well when I did ask someone to go with me, but that was more circumstances and not "Oh, I hate your guts."

*sigh* You'd think I was mostly over being shy, but not quite. I don't know how to get all outgoing in THAT way, beyond being chatty with people I run into in places that I know. Like, wouldn't it be great if I could figure out how to throw a "Bored Local Twentysomethings" party, and hand out invites to random people in town that I think are cool and chat with, and then they all come, and then I end up with a posse of friends? Sure, it would, but the very idea of trying to organize such an event makes me want to crawl under my couch.

I'm reading through this book right now, going through the exercises and such. I hope it helps, because I'm so sick of my life and don't really know how to fix it All By Myself with the personality I've got at the moment.

* okay, so that's not true, but I'm feeling it today.

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