Chaos Attraction

I'm Never Speaking Up Again

2018-07-04, 8:50 p.m.

So during therapy this week, my shrink was trying to figure out what about me is so goddamned horrible that it sends certain folks into an utter rage.* Like I'm weird, but she said something along the lines of, your weird is so innocuous/not harmful, so what the hell IS it about you?

* Besides being an existing female in the world, anyway.

Anyway...we came to the conclusion that it's my voice. Because after of what, over a decade of phone appointments, she finally came out and said more or less that my voice is terrible. I'm high pitched and talk too fast, but also my tones are just weird and whatever I say comes out... bad. Still. Even after voice coaching, which she said was an improvement.

After I obviously felt crushed after she said that, she said I was talking better. I guess I just need to feel bad about myself all the time, then.

How the hell can I ever perform if my voice is that bad?

I don't know. Some folks (like my boss) think it's fine, others think it's horrible. What the hell do I do other than to shut up?

With the Fourth of July being on a damn Wednesday and all, I spent the day alone, not speaking. I declared it a crafting day and watched Netflix. Nanette, which I related to for being a damn freak myself, the Steve Martin Short special, and the Sense8 finale, which was lovely.

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