Chaos Attraction

The Hard Way Every Time

2004-07-13, 9:47 p.m.

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Well, here's a contrast to my last entry. This morning for some insane reason I read the things you have done in the name of love thread here. And even more stupidly, responded to it.

I won't repeat the list I made here, since (a) I already did on page 2 of this thread, and (b) if you've read this thing for awhile you know most of them. But as I typed and typed, and forgot details and hit edit to add them in...three times...it was yet another smack with the clue bat.

Then I went and read another post on the board, by someone whose boyfriend is on heroin and is making noises about breaking up, but she's desperate to keep him. There were several girls there who'd been with drug addicts and they were trying to tell her to get the hell out, or at least get that she couldn't change him if he didn't want to change. I felt compelled to go post in that too, with an analogy I thought was so clever about how if you and your man are in a rowboat in the middle of the ocean and he's throwing the life jackets overboard and he pulls out his knife and starts cutting holes in the floor of the boat, would you just sit there and tell him not to and try to plug the holes with your fingers, or jump out, get a vest and start swimming.

Then as I'm actually writing the post about how I've been there twice with the "guy's going down, but he doesn't necessarily want my help to be saved here"- I thought, holy fuck, I did this twice. I didn't learn the first time. I had to be whacked over the head with the clue bat AGAIN in order to learn to not go there.

How many times does the universe have to send me the message that I'm not meant to be in a couple? How sad am I? I can't claim holier-than-thou status on this one. I apparently have to learn the hard way every time.

I can only hope I actually get it this time. Or for all I know, the next time I get to learn this lesson, it WILL be with a drug addict. Lord knows I've dated enough ex-druggies so that I'm probably due for one.

Yeah, I've had my share of broken dreams

And more than a couple of falls

And in chasin' what I thought were moonbeams

I have run into a couple of walls

But in looking back at the places I've been

The changes that I've left behind

I just look at myself to find

I've learned the hard way every time

'Cause I've had my share of good intentions

And I've made my share of mistakes

And I've learned at times it's best to bend

'Cause if you don't well those are the breaks

Should have listened to all the things I was told

But I was young and too proud at the time

Now I look at myself to find

I learn the hard way ev'ry time

But in looking back at the lessons I've learned

And the mountains I wanted to climb

I just look at myself to find

I've learned the hard way ev'ry time

'Cause I've had my share of broken dreams

And more than a couple of falls

And in chasin' what I thought were moonbeams

I have run into a couple of walls

But in looking back at the faces I've been

I would sure be the first one to say

When I look at myself today

Wouldn'ta done it any other way

* And a P.S. to the last entry- Anastasia says an Alsatian is a German shepherd. Surprise, surprise.


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