Chaos Attraction

Magic Mike XXL

2015-07-16, 10:33 p.m.

This is a two part entry.

I called in sick from work on the sixteenth. I could barely see to operate the phone, and after making the requisite calls/texts, I went back to sleep for three and a half hours. It was lovely.

(No, I wasn't "hungover," I didn't drink THAT much. I had a LIFE hangover, thanks.)

Then came two hours of vegging on the couch and staring into space. I finished off watching the last two episodes of Garfunkel and Oates. I wasn't as into them as the previous six--I wasn't so much into baby-obsessed episodes once they finished doing "Pregnant Women are Smug" and making fun of the "sprinkle" (it''s a baby shower before you even get pregnant!)--but I did relate to their "Loser" song. Then I went on to some Key and Peele.

Mom called to make me watch "The Chew." Ugh, I hate the name of that show. But after that, I decided to go out and see Magic Mike XXL. Yup, by myself at 1:15 p.m. There was nobody in the theater but the people working there. Quite a different experience from the last time I saw Magic Mike.

This wasn't quite the first time I've been in a theater alone--Mom and I went to see The King's Speech (Slightly Less Sweary Edition) and were the only ones there--but this time I was alllll alone. Now, the previous time this happened, I actually did run around the theater and scream a bit, but I didn't do too much of that this time. I did, however, take advantage of some things, like bringing in my own booze so I could do a drinking game or whatever. I also took notes on my gadget throughout the whole thing.

Surprisingly, this movie wasn't nearly as drinking game-y as the previous movie. It's pretty much a road trip movie. Mike has been running his custom furniture business for three years and looks bored as hell about it--plus we find out he proposed to Brooke and she said no, so she's gone. Then he gets a phone call from Tarzan saying that "Dallas is gone, man." Mike shows up in a nice suit to the wake at a hotel. What wake? There's no wake...then he hears screaming from the pool and goes over there. Turns out Dallas and the Kid have just bugged off to Europe, leaving the remaining Kings of Tampa unemployed right before the big stripper convention in Myrtle Beach.*

* It doesn't even have a cute name, like "StripperCon" or something. I'm not really sure what the point of such a thing is anyway. Doesn't look like all the male entertainers were like, comparing notes or something.... I guess it's just another gig for the ladies to throw money at them.

So Big Dick Richie, Ken, Tarzan and Tito (and a random fat dude named Tobias who's going to be their emcee--and you might want to guess that the lone hot dude isn't going to make it through the entire movie) are going to have one last good time, driving up in Tito's new artisanal macrobiotic fro-yo roach coach. I did not make that up. Tito is the new entrepreneur in the group, as opposed to BDR, whose idea of "condom-mints" has already been done. Mike goes home to his workshop, he's listening to the "Golden Age of Hip-Hop" station on Spotify, and his beloved "Pony" comes on...and Mike starts busting smooth moves with power tools and sliding onto his furniture like he's rehearsed this for a looooong time. Should you dance with power tools? No, probably not. But damn, this dance looks gooooooooooood. Definitely not like he just made that up himself. Anyway, Mike, as "CEO" of his own company, decides to tag along. They amuse themselves by watching Ken take selfies of his eyebrows so he can figure out where to pluck and throwing Tarzan's phone out the window.

First night, they stop off at "Mad Mary's," which appears to be a drag bar, and they hop on the stage for the best amateur queen in Jacksonville contest. Let's go down that rabbit hole, Mike says, and they all strut it. While BDR does a pretty good job with a boa in amusing places, the win goes to Tobias, who somehow got a hold of a Carmen Miranda headwear piece. Did he just happen to have that outfit back in the roach coach? After this, they all party on the beach. We find out that Ken's marriage is over because they tried monogamy and his wife only lasted two seconds at that. He now quotes Oprah and has become a total meditating, Reiki-healing hippie, btw. After hearing the Oprah quoting ("when someone shows you who they are, believe them"), Mike offers to work on some therapy with Ken and Ken ends up punching him and not even enjoying it.

Mike wanders off to pee and some girl rocking the "Ricki and the Flash" side braids look (from the trailer before the movie) tells him, "You're destroying sea turtle biosphere with that urine." "That's usually what happens when I pee on the beach." They discuss their inner drag queens. Hers would be named Dolly Tits and his would be Clitioria Labia." She's all, "Basically I'm just trying not to end up on the pole like you." She invites him to go have sex on a nearby island or something and he declines. He's still having issues.

The next morning on the beach, we find out that: (a) Ken's meditation was really clear this morning. He's also done a Tide commercial and now makes YouTube videos. (b) Tito got some girl's number written on his hip. (c) BDR hasn't had sex in five months because ladies are afraid of his size. He hasn't found "the glass slipper." He thinks that at age 35, if he hasn't found it by now, he won't. I HEAR YA, DUDE. They all break out some molly, which is as wasted as we see them get on this trip. Mike suggests that everyone make up new routines (in 2 days!?) instead of doing Dallas's old ones. He's bored of cowboys and firemen. And really, BDR, don't you have a fire phobia? You're not really into being a fireman anyway, right? BDR says hell no, but 54 minutes later, he's high enough to get the idea to throw a spontaneous wedding during a show.

Later, the guys get out at a convenience store and Mike tells BDR about how his "Pony" routine was inspired by a hot girl being neglected by her boyfriend. You are not a fireman, you are a fucking male entertainer! Go in and seduce that bored clerk who looks like Amy Schumer in there! You're so hot, bending over to tie your shoelace should do it! So "I Want It That Way" plays, and BDR ties his shoe. No dice. So he grinds, humps the Pepsi machine, pours liquid all over himself, and finally finishes up with "How much for the Cheetos and water?" That's when she finally cracks a smile.

(The only other person in the movie besides me was the usher, who peeked in three times, I can only guess he was checking to see if I was masturbating or something in there. He stopped and stayed to watch this whole scene, though.)

They get back in the van and Ken wants to hold a holding-hands-group bonding session. That includes you, Tobias, I don't care if you're driving the roach Tobias ends up veering off the road and giving himself a concussion. He has to stay in the hospital for 48 hours. (Ken breaks out his level 3 Reiki master healing skills, but no dice.) Now they have no emcee and no roach coach! And we shouldn't have thrown the costumes out of the truck! Mike declares that it's been "the year of the horrible idea" and tells about his rejected marriage proposal, which involved bacon and mimosas. (Hell, he even watched Downton Abbey for that girl.) He's still got the ring in his wallet.

Mike has an idea for an emcee: go see this woman named Rome that he used to work for (and I'm guessing, bang) 8 years ago before he took the gig with Dallas. So they roll up to Savannah, to a fancy place called "Domina" that asks if Mike is "a member." He says he used to work here before this place became...this place. It is essentially a "subscription based pleasure," in which a kabillion ladies hang around watching guys strip, sing, dance, and grind. Dollar bills are flying all over the place. Rome still seems kind of annoyed at Mike's departure and keeps referring to him as a ghost (not just because him and some of his compatriots are probably the only white folks in there) , but at the same time still thinks he's hot, so she considers it. We watch a lot of ladies getting guys shoving their crotches in ladies' faces, We meet Malik, otherwise known as "the black Magic Mike," clearly Mike's replacement. Then we meet Andre, played by Donald Glover, who sings a lot better making up a song for recent divorcee Caroline than he does when he's doing the Childish Gambino thing.

Anyway, Rome is still snitty about Mike (formerly known as "White Chocolate," of COURSE) moving on 8 years ago and he's snitty that she wouldn't let him come back, and she doesn't like the stripper convention, and she says this convention is just an excuse to put this to bed. She announces to her "queens" (i.e. the lady audience) that she's got a ghost from her past that makes her shiver--should she resurrect him? She wants Mike to dance, and he doesn't want to, so Malik starts with the floor yeah, let's join in with flipping the girls over.

The two former ...whatevers...end with "This was fun, I guess, whatever this was," and Rome sends Andre along with them to give them a ride wherever they wish to go. Andre's a friendly dude and comments that "Rome likes to stay in her castle. That's why she built it." Andre and Ken bond over music and how Ken used to understudy Donald before he played Mickey (at Disney World, I'm assuming). Andre's take on his job is "Do you know how many girls I get to meet every day for free?" Also, "we're like healers or something," and Ken LOVES that.

Andre drops them off at...some rich house. I have no idea how the heck the guys found this place or who has the contact, but they are supposedly looking for "Megan" and get Megan's horny, lonely mom (Andie MacDowell) and all of her lonely, horny friends. "That's my daughter, always making new friends." She wants EVERYONE to have a drink! Ken is a proper Southern gentleman in this crowd and she tells him to "quit that proper shit." Everyone introduces themselves and none of the guys knew that Tarzan's real name was Ernest.

Snippets from the conversation:
"Tito is into yogurt."
"Mom, they're male strippers."
"The technical term is male entertainer." (BDR is adamant on this.)
"We are gonna need a fuckin' pack mule to water this bunch."
"Only one penis my entire fucking life" and he turned out to be gay--Andie is DTF, y'all.
"I'd say it's still your day, ma'am." --BDR is also DTF.
"You wanna pop the hood."

The girl formerly known as "Dolly Tits" is here, I am still not sure if she is "Megan" or not, since we find out in this scene that her name is Zoe. Whatever. She's hiding out in the kitchen eating red velvet cake, and she and Mike have a deep conversation (har) about how he prefers cookies, specifically Oreos. She's brooding over some married guy that offered her a job and snarks, "Any god worth believing in sends you guys in a thong." We find out from Mike that "Yes, my god is a she." HMMMMMM. He also says that getting crazy can help you sort out your shit, which is clearly this movie's motto. He declares them friends because only his friends see him pee.

We find out that Tarzan/Ernest really just wants a family, but that ship has fucking sailed and now it's a hole that will never be filled. "I think my soul just died a little bit," says Ken for us all. Ken reads the "energy" of a lady whose husband refuses to do it with the lights on. (I think we need to check how close that guy is to Andie's ex.) He starts singing the song "Heaven" (it comes up in conversation) and we find out it was his audition song.

The next morning, BDR has introduced Andie to another penis and he has found "the glass slipper." She's so happy she lends them her ex's convertible to go to the convention. And when they get there, apparently Rome ("Miss Davidson"?) has provided them with upgraded rooms and practice space. She and Andre are there for the show too. Tito gets a lot of candy, BDR goes to Ace Hardware and builds something, Tarzan plays with glitter (I'm not kidding) , and Mike will help Tito with his business stuff.

It's the July 4 weekend, time for "Stripper Convention," which, again, DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A CUTE NAME LIKE STRIPPERCON OR SOMETHING. Mike has to wheedle Elizabeth Banks (who seems to be having a fine time being some kind of announcer in all the movies lately) into giving them a slot, which she does when Rome shows up to make out with her. We see all the usual stripper costumes--cowboys, mariachis (?!), gladiators, The Matrix (?!?), the Navy. There is also a terrible Twilight act about "I fucked Bella." "Who's killing it out there?" "Fucking vampire bullshit."

Tarzan hasn't been this nervous since Desert Storm. (Really? Dude, no one's gonna shoot at you here.) Mike announces that he and Tarzan have never had "their moment," and Tarzan said he made that prank call because he missed him. Mike says he doesn't want to give an inspirational speech and then does it anyway. Oops. Let's chant: "1, 2, 3, male entertainers!" The guys come out originally in silver boxer robes and jeans before splitting off to do their own shows, and Rome is a far sexier announcer than Tobias. (So obvious that dude wasn't gonna make it through the movie.)

Tarzan's act: he paints, he plays opera, he throws glitter on a canvas that shows a glitter painting of a naked lady and says "My Goddess." Rome is all, "I'd let that beast throw anything on me any day."
Tito's act: he's the candy man. Er, candy king. He's got a jacket that says "Tasty" on, he's got a Tito's Treats cart, gets an audience on a park bench and pours chocolate on a girl's lap. He finishes with a whole lotta whipped cream. For Ken's act, he sings, gorgeously, and I wonder how he's going to strip with a mike strapped to his back. He manages to do it anyway. There's his ass. There goes his shirt. He's just covered in dollars.

Andre and BDR put on a white wedding, with Andre singing "Marry You" and BDR proposing to some random girl in a tux before putting her into a sex swing (OH, THAT'S WHAT HE WAS BUILDING) and the "I wanna fuck you like an animal" song plays. He hops on the sex swing .
Rome tells everyone not on birth control to leave the building. She drags Zoe and some black girl on stage and Mike and Malik do a mirror image performance with each other. To a song called "Oreo." They wear silver thongs. Zoe appears to be enjoying it.
At the end of the movie, Tobias returns with the fro-yo roach coach and the guys watch fireworks. THE END, that's it.

On my way back from the movies, I saw a license plate with a heart on it, followed by "BRNG MN." I thought it was appropriate.

Lines from the movie:
"Nobody messes with the mojo on the last ride."
"We got a tsunami of dollar bills to get to."
"Win or die, stripper guy."
"Malik, I'm sorry for the surprise, but a ghost is a ghost."

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