Mom is going around taking a poll about whether or not to let Grandma see Dad before he dies.

So far there's two votes yes (coworker types), one vote of "Tough call...I don't know" from Janelle, and everyone else is voting no.

I think it's pretty telling most of the no votes are coming from people who actually know Grandma. Unfortunately, Mom's about decided to relent at some point. That'll be a blast to deal with.

Speaking of family polling, Janelle's "not doing well," Auntie Helen is "not doing well", and Grandma can't remember when Ron died and keeps on crying her head off in between phonestalking Janelle. Whee.

Oddly enough, there is some good news to report. Some nice relatives with money (I am not supposed to say who...not that any of my relatives are likely to find this) actually wanted to give Mom some money. Considering one of them isn't doing too well right now, that is saying a lot.

But mostly...I'm just depressed when I think about it. Like when I was sitting around at the HP party, thinking about how to get Mom the audiobook, when it occurred to me that Dad won't live to find out how Harry Potter ends. The next time I'm at one of these parties, I won't have a change in jobs or boyfriends in between books the way I have before- I'll have a dead dad. And that sucks.

I seem to recall hearing that some dying girl got a letter from JK Rowling telling her how the series ends. You think she'd do that for a dying 58-year-old that isn't a cute little kid? Me neither.

I hate dying along with him. I really do. But I don't get any fucking choice in the matter. I don't get to live again until he dies, and that's just how it is. This is how God wants me and my mom to be right now: depressed and sick of things, and feeling guilty, and losing our abilities to do things as he does. And it's gonna last awhile longer.

I'm sick of being SadDarkPainGirl, but I can't be anything else right now. Sure as hell can't be me.

previous entry - next entry
archives - current entry