Chaos Attraction

Puppy Kicking Biyotch

2006-07-17, 4:32 p.m.

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It's a shame I can't swallow pills for shit, or else I'd probably think I should go on antidepressants at the moment. Then again, I hear they even you out and make you have not so much in the way of emotions, and currently I've already got that going on. So maybe that wouldn't be so helpful.

I'm wearing my favorite shirt/outfit, I'm having a good hair day, have no zits. I am looking lovely. I didn't go totally sleepless on a Sunday night as per my usual. (I seem to recall dreaming about Project Runway, so it wasn't a shitty dream either.) I got to work on sewing during lunch, training got canceled for today, and it's 105 degrees out and I love that. All normally enough to make me be in at least a neutrally good mood even if it is a Monday. And yet, I'm totally bitchy for no good reason and it took all my strength not to bitch at certain people who were not in any way deserving it today.

Alas, that wasn't good enough, because I then proceeded to kick someone when she was down and I didn't even realize it. It was like kicking a puppy.

I was quite blunt and mean to someone who's brokenhearted today. It didn't even occur to me that that WAS mean. She said that I have a hard shell and she doesn't. I apologized and said that I don't even remember what it was like to have feelings like that any more. And... I really don't.

It's not hard shell. It's all hard. Or nothing, I suppose. No soft, chewy heart left any more for people to eat or stab or whatever.

I don't know whether or not this is a good thing. It's disturbing, I will say that much. I tend to go around every day feeling at best, crankily neutral. I've been cranky every day, even on days where nothing bad happens, for awhile now.

You know things are ugly when my mom, Ms. I Hate Your Boyfriends Because They Take You Away From Meeeeeeeeeeee, thinks I should get a boyfriend. Yes, she actually said that yesterday, in between the usual "I just can't bear to let him go, God should decide when he dies, not meeee" chatter. I about choked.

Not that I think that would make anything better at this point. Just uglier and messier. I mean, gee, it's working out for my mom SO well, isn't it?

Though even I'm sick of my being cranky pretty much 24-7 for no good reason. I'm trying not to take it out on people, but that only works so far as I don't have to speak to anyone.

Why can't something good happen that doesn't involve me getting a MAYUN to save me? Bleah.

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