2005-07-28, 8:20 a.m.
Mom let me off the hook last night with regards to going home this weekend.
Though I do think that was at least in part because she can't figure out a way (or a ride, or a babysitter for Dad at night) to get me back home to visit, either. She hasn't gotten up the nerve to ask one of Dad's relatives to do it, anyway.
I feel like a shit about it, but I told her I didn't want to see him get worse. I didn't tell her about hitting my limit- she's got far worse to deal with than me, I'd be a shit to be all "Waaah!" and dramatic on her about that.
I'm not sure if she understands or not. She did give me the "he has limited time on this earth" and the "I didn't get to see your grandfather before he died, and I REALLY wish I had" speeches- yeah, like I don't KNOW this?!- but said she wasn't going to push or pressure me. Course, that could just be a "for now" thing.
Yeah, I know I have limited time and I should want to see him more than anything Before It's Too Late. And I know it's SHITTY of me not to want to.
Don't think I won't beat myself up over this for the rest of my life because I can't "suck it up and deal with it" the way both my aunts are saying I should. Don't think I don't know they think I am an asshole for not coming home to see him. Don't think I don't hate myself for being a whining baby drama queen about it.
You know, I wouldn't feel a bit less guilty or evil if I did go to see him. I just feel MORE guilty for not going.
But the rest of me is shaking with relief that I won't be spending this weekend (or the next three) crying and wishing we were all dead so this could be over.