Work was not too bad today. Trained the new girl, spent the afternoon writing documentation, wasn't too fried. So there's that. The girl losing her mind yesterday calmed down today after my boss said she'd deal with it. Whew.

Dawn briefly popped in during lunch to be all "You don't look good" at me. Well, I haven't showered since Saturday, my hair is flat, who fucking cares.

The painters are still painting, outside on my patio without masks, having a good time rocking out. On a related note, the upstairs neighbors were screaming "wooooooo!" and doing karaoke at 4-ish on a Thursday. Too bad I can't join their party.

My computer is getting even buggier, so I think it's time to cave in and get a new laptop. Preferably soon since a lack of green screen has become a life issue. I can't just go to Best Buy and ask a dude what to get any more and reading the computer statistics about processing power just confuses the FUCK out of me, so I caved in to ask the Internet. I still got confusing answers. I swear, people who understand tech cannot manage to talk about it like I'm their dumb grandma, which is what I need. So I continue to be absolutely lost as to what to do on my own.

I called Jackie today, which turned out to be a bad idea because she started lecturing me on why am I not motivated enough to (a) BE AND STAY POSITIVE and hopeful and (b) try really hard to get another job. Truth be told, I don't fucking care on job hunting. I just don't care. I can't think of anything else I want to do (like, I know I should do coding! Write grants! Technical writing!....I don't wanna. I just don't care.). I don't want to upset my life and lose the benefits I do have, looking at other jobs makes me feel shittier instead of hopeful, fuck it. It's easier to stay and try to be what others want....and then of course I fail at that too. She's all, what happens when the pandemic is over and they can you, which is legitimate. But....I can't get myself to give a shit enough to try. It seems like all the jobs are the same sorts of stuff I don't want, I can't do anything I would want, so....why bother? I don't want to be a clerical worker any more, but that is my skill set. I'm not going to work at a creative job because they are expendable. I just want to be better at my job and not have to solve the problem of me so goddamned much.

No, I'm not a positive person. No, I don't believe that the pandemic is ever going to end, or at least I have serious doubts these days and can't maintain positivity about it the way things are going now. No, I'm not a person who wants something and goes and gets it (not that this is going so well for her these days either, mind you). Also she thinks my therapist should be fixing me, but if I can't get past the giant DON'T WANNA in my head, how's my therapist going to do anything? I just don't care enough to keep trying and I'm tired of the problem. It just is easier to stay. I just told Jackie I'm being too negative and I'm going to get off the phone now.

I'm not a hopeful person. I'm a realist. I feel like embracing hope is embracing insanity and ignoring reality. Like I had hope about a vaccine--sometimes I still do--but I read a positive article and I'm hopeful, I read a negative article saying there will never be one and I'm crashing. What the hell am I supposed to believe? I can't just have hope to have hope so I don't kill myself (something Jackie has said before). The most hopeful I feel about anything in this life is the crush situation--I feel like on some level, years from now, that is going to work out. I have gotten enough signs about that to believe it. And even then, I think "I'm an insane person to believe this and I shouldn't be believing this and any sane person would tell me to get over it, this is stupid of me" very frequently. I go back and forth about it all the time. I don't think I should believe it? What the hell am I supposed to think under the circumstances?

A year ago, I got a bomb dropped on me. I can't believe it's been a year.

Ugh, let's do something else today.

Comic-Con, which I did not get to listening to much today:

YA Fantasy and the Power of Storytelling. Can't remember much about this.
*Inside the Voice Actors Studio - Home Edition. Mostly I remember Laura Stahl saying she's black and Jewish and people being surprised she's a PoC and then saying how "professional" she acts, and then the face that Mary Elizabeth McGlynn made about that.
* Super Geeked Up: Geeky Improv Comedy. I was amused at the "journalist" saying that adding something like "you won't believe what comes next" (or whatever) means that "everyone clicks on that."
* Cardboard Superheroes: Creating Cardboard Models of Your Favorite Superheroes. I love this! These are fairly small kids doing super big complicated stuff and building frames into them and doing math! Their website.
* Christmas in July: The Psychology of Pop Culture and Christmas. An entire family is doing this. "Every time he shakes, I'm being rained on by glitter."

Red Dwarf: The Promised Land: How are you like your character? Robert Llewellyn: "I quite enjoy ironing." Chris: "I can admit that I can be a bit anal now and then." Craig does NOT eat curries and vindaloo in real life, he'll get a salad and do yoga. "Playing against type, I'm actually a yoga instructor in real life. And a vegan." "We all want to be revered, and weren't we funny?" -Craig, which was dubbed "very deep."

No Tow Trucks Beyond Mars. Put on by JPL, which Shanna told me she used to work at. I got depressed when they showed a photo of the Mission Science team seeing each other's faces and being in the same room and interacting...and then on March 20 they all had to work from home. "Pandemic or no pandemic, we're going to Mars. This is going to happen." Fun fact: if you have the power to stop a launch, you'd better know how to go down there and fix it, and there's a lot of ways to die! "As you can see, we're big fat nerds."

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