I cried this morning before work. I disagree with my therapist on the concept of crying makes you feel better afterwards. It does not. Being snotty literally doesn't make you feel better. I feel so fucking guilty about ignoring Scott again last night. I don't know why, he kinda deserves it under the circumstances and it's not like I stopped feeling mad about everything either, nor did he try to approach me (then again, I sure as fuck thwarted that if he had wanted to, who knows). Maybe it was the late night realization of "hey, I got a sign and forgot about it last night because I was driving," and then looking it up and being all "OMG" and dwelling on it all night. Maybe it was finally coming up with a script as to what I want to say and then not saying it and wanting to burst. I'm trying to wait to talk to my therapist about it tomorrow instead of dropping the bomb right off without getting it vetted first, see if it's a good idea. I'm also considering just writing an email, which he'd probably ignore but at least then I get it out without sobbing in front of him, which might fucking happen.

I did rant about this shit on a chat channel and got told (nicely and politely) the following: (a) he may express friendship more romantically than his words and actions, and actions are he's not dating you. (b) he probably just likes all the attention and does not want to give that up. (c) if he wanted to be with you, he would be, it's not like he doesn't know how you feel. (d) he hasn't mentioned being polyamorous, though I pointed out that it's pretty likely he's never heard of the concept around here (note: I know two of our friends who secretly have dabbled in this, only heard that from one of them, HIGHLY doubt either would have told him). (e) he can't communicate with you or fulfill your needs.

Yes, but as the song goes, I'd rather have fifty percent of him...or any percent of him...then all of anybody else (I don't want) at all....Sigh. I wanted to work this out before rehearsal tonight, but nope. Gotta wait for therapy.

I have never heard back from "free twin flame reading" lady, incidentally (it's been a week). Unsure if she just has a bunch of requests, what her time period is for processing (didn't say), or if the send button on the form didn't work. Well, it's free, what do you expect there, I suppose.

In related news, Kelly's texts aren't working or at least she's not getting mine yesterday/today, grr. I did a trial ascot for her, but she wasn't too into it (and frankly, neither am I, it was really a rough draft in yarn) and she will probably look elsewhere. Saves me going to get it mailed, I guess.

Work: my boss was supposed to be flying to SoCal today to say goodbye to her brother before he moves to the East Coast. Then the entire family got covid, so she canceled on that. I feel very bad for her. Also it sounds like these people are gonna have to drive cross country WITH COVID because they got about two weeks and guess how that'll go these days.

They had us sit through a presentation from one of the potential SuperBigBosses. I was very unclear as to what job she was applying for because it REALLY SEEMED like she was applying for our BigBoss position (which as far as I know is in limbo again until SuperBigBoss is filled). Maybe she just geared this presentation to our office, I'm not clear there (other offices were invited). She didn't get into what kinds of plans or things she'd improve or what she does, but did talk extensively about what she was like to work with and how fair and helpful and talks-things-out she is. I would be down with that, personally. I have no idea if that would be considered a selling point around here or not. If I like a candidate, everyone else is all "no" to it, so why bother having feelings or hoping. On a related note to that, I did email InterimBigBoss today about his email last week saying that if people have issues with what they can say in public, they might not want to say in a smaller group either and while I might be willing to talk one on one, I don't feel comfortable saying anything in front of whoever else. No response, of course.

We did get a bunch done on Quarterly Project, Round Two today, so there's that.

Before rehearsal, I just realized I was too tired to give him the silent treatment any more and was going to start talking to him again. This immediately happened upon arriving at rehearsal since we made it to the door at the same time, we hugged, I apologized, and he looks at me blankly and goes, "For what?" I didn't even bother to say anything. He had no idea anything was different. Then we walked in and Jan was all "You're not in the Shakespeare play, right?" Apparently Winters didn't bother to take any publicity photos for Midsummer and instead just posted the pic of the "rich people" from As You Like It for publicity on Facebook and I have had to go around pointing this out to people today. We had to reassure Jan we somehow hadn't figured out how to do two shows, though she did say she'd go if we were in. I haven't heard shitola as to how the show is going, but Scott said they weren't very organized with the new director. (Me: "Really? Didn't they have enough issues with the last one? That's going on again?!") Also that "three of our friends are in it," which makes me wonder who? Sarah said Robert's playing the ass (Bottom, I guess), Jim's some mechanical or other, I assume Cameron's a lead...then who else?

Back to Scott for a minute: He really has no interest in or thinks about me whatsoever, does he. There's just...nothing going on in there. It doesn't occur to him to care. Maybe the psychic was right about him just not...having anything.

SIGH. More on this later, probably.

Rehearsal: Human Again. I normally don't like the song too much ('blah de blah de blah da, repeat over again, blah de blah blah de blah blah de blah...." is most of it right there) but I admit it improves with actual dancing. Which was pretty easy/repetitive, but hard to keep track of when every 2-3 groups of people are doing something different most of the time, in front of your face. I am dancing with Felicia on stuff but end up by Scott fairly often. The end was a total trainwreck and dear lord, nobody should watch the video of that, it was a mess of confusion. We were out of time to rehearse it more before filming, argh.

(I think I'm also pretty sick of hearing how the napkins get better/more complicated dance moves. This has gotten old.)

I have had it confirmed that I am playing a wine bottle and Felicia is a corkscrew, then she mentioned something about unless we're a cheese and a grater. I was all "I don't know how you'd do a cheese grater costume," and she was all, "I saw it in the back," and I was all, WAIT, THAT ISN'T A JOKE?!?!

We were introduced to the concept of "castle dancing," i.e. if you dance at Disney on tiny stages, use big arm movements and dance in a tiny box.

It was Sherilyn's birthday, so there was singing and cupcakes. I did ask her what the heck she meant by the "Russians" in Be Our Guest and she said "oh, the salt and pepper shakers do a little dance." (Me in my head: "Not the napkins?!?!") Me out loud: "Do the salt and pepper shakers know that?" "I think they do....?"

On the way out I asked Scott when he was going to Winters and he said he didn't know yet. So much for that idea.

Quotes:
"I'm playing Chip tonight. You have to push me." -Steve.
Sherilyn to Omar: "You can't walk through Chip."
Omar kicks imaginary Chip air.
Sherilyn: "I'm going to put Carpet on the side or else she gets run over by a napkin." At one point Sherilyn called Molly Marie and I was all, "No, Marie is the dead one with the baguettes."
Scott, who is now dancing with the carpet since Babette got moved into a napkin's position: "I will do my best not to set her on fire." Hm, yeah, that sound awkward...

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