Chaos Attraction

At The Mercy Of The System

2003-08-04, 8:37 p.m.

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Kinda like Jette, a laptop was my downfall.

I wanted one so badly. My computer, my lifeblood, was dying and dying fast enough so that it didn't look like it'd make it to December. I had technically enough money to do it right away, and it wasn't looking like I'd get any financial assistance in order to "do it right."

So I went for it. I ignored my very bad tarot reading against it because I wanted it so badly. And now I have fucked myself over severely.

Would I have known at the beginning of July that:

* A mere few days after I bought the laptop, my mother would finally decide to offer me one. (And ironically, according to this I bought everything wrong.)

* I would have to get entirely new DSL service, including more costly modem.

* I'd be going out of state for over a week.

* I'd run out of paid-for webspace, and out of beta blog free time.

* (albeit yes, I should have asked instead of assumed about this, so it's my own damn fault) I would have to pay over $800 in rent as of AUGUST, not September.

* Hill would want her half of the security deposit back, NOW, during my brokest point ever.

* everyone interested in being my roommate would flake the hell out on it right after approaching me, thus not ending the hell that is my life.

* I would be so incredibly broke that after my paycheck came in, then paying rent and the security deposit back, I literally don't have enough for the plane ticket, much less food for the rest of the month even if I stayed home doing nothing but sitting in the dark amd starving.

It's pretty obvious that should push come to shove, my parents will not pay rent for me if I can't get a roommate. I really blew up at Mom today on the phone for making comments about that ("So what are you going to do about it?")- "YOU ACT LIKE I'M NOT TRYING! I WORRY ABOUT THIS EVERY SINGLE FUCKING MINUTE!" I think (hope?) she got the message, as she seemed to improve from then on.

Though I can say that they have been nice about things as well, best they can. They gave me $200 in trip money, Mom's cosigning on the PG&E bill so they won't charge me $100 for being a moron without a credit card, and Mom bought the plane ticket (I'm sure I'll have to pay that one back later). Plus buying me the luggage, plus giving me their old microwave and almost everything household I'll need to replace Hill's stuff. (And Hill is leaving most of it behind for me, so hardly any furnishing changes here.)

After the money from Hill's dad ($350-400, TBD tomorrow) and the $200 from my parents, I *might* squeak by on the vacation. I'll probably have to hit up Dave for paying my bills at the end of the month though. Ah, the irony, me hitting up the unemployed one for money. I feel so guilty about that.

The lovely chat whores were nice when I had another meltdown today- "we've all done that." Nice to know I'm not alone.

In another reason to be cranky, I had to go call and visit places today regarding the bank and the PG&E transfer, the latter of which I was quite losing it about because online their site said I'd have to pay a deposit, call a week in advance, and have someone in the house when things got activated. As this turns out, not so much the truth except for the deposit.

I really hate dealing with things via phone and in person sometimes. Which is to say, specific, institutional/corporate-type maintenance. I'm generally kinda phone-phobic, but surprisingly enough this was never much of a problem when I was a reporter. I might take a bit of nerve to get up to actually letting my fingers do the walking, but once I was on, I was cool and collected. I had a job to do, it was in my power to do, I had a script, all was well and dandy.

Calling, say, PG&E, however, I suddenly feel stupid as all get out. I'm not in control, I'm at the mercy of The System, not knowing how to navigate and asking stupid questions that secretly I think the phone operators are laughing at me for.

"Please push 1 for blah blah blah. Please push 2 for blah blah." Only 1 and 2 sound not only similar, but like both could be where I'd have to go to take care of the issue. After going through a bunch of menus, I'm suddenly on the spot with a person, fumbling around.

"Uh, hi, I'd like to know uh, my account number."

"What's (blank bit of account info that I don't know off the top of my head)?"

"Uh...lemme look for it..." (twenty minutes of fumbling and dropping the phone ensues)

Later... "Uh, I had another question. Can I sign up for this or that?"

"You're not allowed to sign up for this and that yet. Not until the 18th."

"Uh...okay? And what about X thing?"

"You're not eligible for that."


I feel like a total doof.

Just as much fun is going to my bank in person to talk about an account. My bank is great, and the people are nice, but every time I've had to talk to a person I've left feeling like the world's biggest moron. I usually end up say, not having the right kinds of acceptable ID to do something with my account, or screwing up the process of ordering checks, or in today's case, trying to sign up for a program that apparently I was already in. Gah. You'd think that having a mother who worked in banking for 20 years might have had some influence on my old dense-o-meter.

Anyway, one of those days when one feels one's IQ dropping rapidly, alas.

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