2005-08-04, 11:09 p.m.
Today's bad news: Dad might have had a stroke on Monday (when he was told they want to give him all of the surgery he has NOT wanted), or at least, that might be why he's pretty much been out of it/nonresponsive for days. They are doing a cat scan tonight and I guess Mom finds out in the morning.
I don't even know what to make of this any more. I guess I'm shellshocked (god knows Mom is). I've been living on "10-year-deadline" (hah, "dead"line), as it were, and while god knows we're all burned out, it's a shock to think it really might happen at any moment for any fluky reason. Hell, I'm supposed to go up there Sunday and I don't know if I will even be able to. Or if I should be making arrangements to not go to any of the weekend craft classes I paid for months ago when death wasn't quite so much on the horizon. Support group starts up again in a few weeks and this time I might be the one who has to drop out because their relative died (as happened last time). I can't believe it.
Even more convenient, PITA aunt and uncle are leaving shortly to go visit Janelle and Crazy Grandma, for an indefinite period of time. Gah. Not that I like them, but great timing. On the other hand, they are getting it three ways from Sunday. Meanwhile, all of Mom's back East relatives are freaking out.
I don't know how to live my life right now. I haven't told anyone here (other than Heather and Chris, for obvious reasons) he's even in the hospital again. I guess I should warn my boss or something. I just keep pretending it isn't happening during the day, have a good time at the CC, and then come home to talk to Mom and get mowed over by an 18-wheeler every night.
We go back and forth on "Should I call you at 3 a.m. if he dies? Should I call you at work if he dies?" and I don't even know what to answer- it's not like I can get up there lickety-split if I find out at 3 a.m. or during work, or at least someone has to be able to pick my ass up at the nearest train station and drive me 20 minutes to the hospital. I don't know if I want to know right beforehand or afterwards or what! What the fuck do I SAY?! I have to know NOW and I don't KNOW!
Then she asks me stuff like, "Should we have a funeral or a memorial service?" and I'm all, "I don't know, I don't care, as long as there's no open casket," and she's all, "But don't you want to say goodbye?" and I'm all, "I'VE BEEN SAYING GOODBYE FOR EIGHT YEARS NOW! HOW MANY MORE FUCKING TIMES CAN I SAY GOODBYE?!" In person, or not, to a corpse, whatever, what does it MATTER any more?!
Then she was all, "I wanna go to Disneyland."
She started crying and said, "I just want to be normal again."
I started crying and said, "Me too."