Chaos Attraction

Fear of Fall

2006-08-04, 10:25 p.m.

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It's August. Whee.

On the one hand, I'm glad that summer continues. On the other hand, I always feel a little "safer" when it's still July. In August, suddenly everyone is all about the "END OF SUMMER NO MORE SWIMMING TIME TO SHOP FOR SCHOOL" even at the start of the damn month, and it gets depressing. Admittedly, I live in a town where "summer" temperatures mostly continue until Halloween, and my school doesn't even "start" (summer school ends in mid-September!) till around October 1, but still.

My priorities are so screwed up of late. I am not writing jack SHIT on either of my novels (I'm not working on the first one and yes, I barely started another one...why?! I don't even know.). It's probably a good thing I can't go to writer's group this month thanks to training, because I have nothing to turn in.
All I am doing any more in my free time is making clothes and studying astrology. I am spending hours a day poring over books and charts and reports and comparing and contrasting stuff. I think this obsession needs to wear off soon so I can get something else done.

Predicting the future has always been an odd hobby of mine. This mainly comes from wanting to know when the bad shit is gonna go down so I can prepare for it, combined with enough strange stuff happening to me to make me think there's something higher up there directing the show to some degree. Mainly, I'm just looking for hope and a sense of control in the universe. ("Good luck with THAT, bitch," you're thinking. Yeah, me too.) I'm tired of Shit Always Gets Worse when it comes to me, and I keep looking for any hopeful aspects that don't amount to neverending stupid drama and sick and dying relatives. I am so burned out on paying the price I do to have a family, and wonder if I'll ever catch a break of time where things aren't always getting worse and more disastrous.

I'm tired of Mom calling me up having a major freakout that "your father looked so awful today" (and for HER to notice this despite her denial bubble is saying something) and "should I spend the night at the hospital" and blah blah blah... I don't even think anything majorly bad DID happen yesterday, and yet she was having a giant panicking cow at the hospital. I can't help but think, man, is every damn day until he dies gonna be like this? Oh, wait, YES, it will. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to this weekend's hospital visits.

Yes, I do want this situation to end already. But getting there...ugh.

Even worse, more training sessions I have to sit in on at work are being scheduled for right around the time he's likely to go. That'll go over well- me being in another building, far away from the phone, for half the day, with no way to take The Death Call when it comes in. Joy.

I am afraid of the fall coming.

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