Chaos Attraction

This Provincial Life

2006-08-13, 9:14 p.m.

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I fear that I am bored.

You know that only means that I'm asking lightning to strike me the fuck down by saying this...and I can't believe I am admitting to it since this summer has been all about Death Drama, just like last summer but worse. My saying the b-word is only asking for something else bad to happen.

But...god, I'm boooooooooored.

I hate having to talk to Mom every single goddamned day on the phone. I do not know how she can ALWAYS come up with something that happened during her day to yak at me about for a minimum of a half hour every night. Unfortunately, it tends to be about massively tedious stuff along the lines of:

(a) The bathroom remodeling
(b) The social lives of the people working on the house, like I actually know these people or something
(c) Whatever the PITAS did lately
(d) Whoever pissed her off lately
(e) The social lives of the people working at the hospital (think kinda Springeresque...)
(f) What Dad's current roommate said.

(I have to say that I really do hate whenever Dad has a roommate who is able to speak. Because they always notice that I'm a shitty daughter who hides in the corner and has nothing to say to her father, while Mom hovers over him for 2+ hours a day cooing, "Hi sweetheart sweetheart sweetheart!", and then they ask Mom what's wrong with me. Joy. The current roommate is someone my age that Mom thinks is cute and he seems to like her. The future implications of where this might go are already scaring the shit out of me.)

But anyway, my point is that she can ALWAYS come up with crap to babble at me, and I sure as fuck have nothing to say from day to day to her. Literally, every day is "I went to work. Sat there for 8 hours. Sewed stuff at lunch. Then went to the gym. Then went home. Nothing remotely new, exciting, or of interest occurred." Alas, having nothing to say on the telephone is no excuse to not have a phone call, so I have to sit around going "Mmm-hmm" about every other minute until she shuts up or realizes that it's 10:30 and I might like to oh, shower or eat or something like that.

And what can I say that I've done that's interesting lately? Uh, crafts. That's it. Otherwise life is dulllllllllll this summer. I am hoping a proposed trip to Six Flags next Sunday (I am spending every Saturday afternoon that isn't a Mom one at the CC making up hours for when I inevitably have to go on FMLA leave in the fall, so that limits my going anywhere for a weekend the way I wanted to) will liven things up a little, but who knows for sure if that'll go on yet.

I went back to seeing my support group shrink on Friday. Alas, support group will NOT be going on this fall because they want to run other groups instead or something, which bums me out. (Though she said if it runs after Dad dies, I can still be in it. I'm not sure if there'd be any point then, though.) She was all "How's about we make some more appointments and various arrangements? Like, seriously." I guess I am uh, not doing too well by shrink standards. Okay, so I knew that, but still. She seems to be quite disturbed by my lack of intimate friendships going on in this town, and was once again making the "Please find a counselor you can see regularly. Please, please, I don't care how much it costs you out of your own pocket to see a local without your insurance paying" noises. And it was scary how she Perked Up when I mentioned that I was kinda considering investigating going on antidepressants, if they made any I didn't have to swallow whole. (The amount that she perked up at the idea suddenly turned me the hell OFF of the idea, to tell you the truth. I didn't get up the nerve to say that, though. At the moment it is still an open question.)

I don't want the life I have, everything being dull as shit and revolving around me taking care of people- which I hate doing. I want things to be interesting in a GOOD way, something that hasn't happened to me too much since I was like 21 or so. And yet, I don't exactly think I can get what I want- more like, I don't think the kind of life I would want exists outside of fiction. I feel like Belle from Beauty and the Beast, all "I want much more than this provincial life!", except "provincial life" is all that exists in our world.

Just look at "Who Wants To Be A Superhero," for example. I was watching the pilot of it today and um, I think I relate way too much to this. I can't say that I want to be yet another boring-ass person with a boring-ass average life and average job who depends on her beloved family to bring the zest in life. (Obviously, that only leads to hell and boredom with me.) And yet, you can't really HAVE a life full of interest and excitement with normal old and boring nonsuperhuman talents or lack thereof. Sure, you can have a neatokeen outfit and name, but what do the superheros do? Change clothes fast and help a little girl find her mommy (or as far as I could tell on the show, the security office). It's not like you REALLY can do anything out of the ordinary even in a cool costume.

How does someone get a life that's more likely to be interesting good than interesting bad, that can happen in real boring life? Get famous, I guess. That's the only way I can think of. But even that isn't all that and a bag of chips.

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