Chaos Attraction

Attack of the Emo Kid

2008-06-13, 4:13 p.m.

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So, on my last night in SoCal, Jess, Mike, Julian, and I went out to a restaurant. Julian is almost always a nice, sweet, pretty even-tempered kid. Except for tonight, where he suddenly became very emo.

Before we begin: he's nine and no longer wants to order off the kids' menu, but since he doesn't eat the entire adult meal, his parents do not let him do this. He also takes such a long time to pick what he wants to eat in a restaurant that once everyone else has ordered and the waiter is standing there and Julian is still stalling, his mom will now order for him. Julian does not like this a bit.

First off, Jess asks for a kids' menu. The waiter says, "Two kids' menus?" I restrain myself from smacking my forehead into the table. Julian says, "Well, you do look 12 or 15..." I say that I can't argue with that (especially given the evidence). Jess gets kinda annoyed.

About five minutes after he gets the kids' menu, the waiter comes by to take orders. Everyone else orders. When it gets to him, Julian says he's not ready yet. Actually, he says multiple times, "I'M NOT READY YET JESUS CHRIST!!!!" I start laughing and can't stop doing it for like 20 minutes, and feel sorry for the waiter. Jess, over the yelling, eventually orders a cheeseburger for him. He doesn't want it and is miserable, but he didn't want any of the other options she would have ordered for him either. Much drama and crying and refusal to eat the burger ensues, and we EVENTUALLY find out that he was throwing a fit because he wanted a burger off the adult menu. Um, you could have mentioned that earlier... (We also find out later the other kids were giving him crap at school, which may have had something to do with it.)

At one point during his various rantings, Julian yells out, trying to hurt his mom's feelings, "You BARELY got an A+ in school!" Now everyone's laughing hysterically. Mike is all, "You should just go write crappy music in your room now."

After finally finding out that Julian wanted the adult burger, Mike bets Julian a dollar that the adult menu burger is the same as the kids' burger. He turns out to be wrong (kids' burger only had one topping), and Julian at least gets a dollar from the whole thing.

Julian is insulted that nobody is taking his pain seriously. Everyone else says that yes, we're sorry for you, but um, it WAS funny. Jess tries to explain my compulsive inappropriate laughter, and I bust out with, "I used to laugh at people who fell down in the parking lot. I don't know why, I don't actually think it's funny, but..." Jess thinks that is hilarious.

Mike declared that when Julian has his birthday in a month, they shall return to this restaurant.

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