Chaos Attraction

THE END

2022-08-13, 8:05 p.m.

I started out the day eating breakfast way too early and having the second Fred Jones rehearsal. It took a half hour to start, we rehearsed some stuff (mostly timing of when to change backgrounds/turn on cameras) for another half hour, and then Kelly had to bow out because she already wasn't feeling well. This is happening a lot these days. I'm really concerned, but there isn't fuckall one can do about it when MS is literally attacking her brain :( She may be the worst off of anyone I know with it these days.

After that, I went to the theater for an hour or so before leaving for the rest of the day. I mostly hung out with Steve for like 25 minutes and then moved some flats around. Scott was still fixing the floor. I had timers on my phone to get dressed (I had a nicer outfit to wear to the theater and per Mom's drama, I HAD MY HAIR CURLED), and then another timer to leave at 11. This, of course, did not come off because Scott kept trying to finish fixing the stage and was all "I looked, we don't really need to leave before 11:30," which I both agreed with and at the same time later didn't go so well.... but anyway, he did more floor stuff, I tried on a petticoat for the show, then he changed and we left, taking his car because he wanted to speed. (Note: going 75, which is pretty California typical.)

I do like that he got gas ahead of time. It was a good thing I got the food though because apparently he totally didn't any himself (said he was too tired and took a day off to recover after working on the stage all week) and in all honesty, I probably woulda covered bases if I was him with the allergy. Then again, I told him I vetted all the food off godairyfree, so I guess he was fine. I did tell him what I got and it was all doable, so yay there.

I think I figured we might be more conversational than we were, but it was probably not that much talking a good chunk of the time. I had my yarn, of course. When we did talk, it was stuff like stage remodeling, his house being rebuilt, the show I went to last night, etc. Maybe we were just feeling tired or spacing out, I dunno, but this seemed quieter than our usual late night yakkings outside of a car.

We did get to the parking garage at 1:30...unfortunately it took 15 minutes to literally GET INTO the parking garage, which pretty much screwed souvenir shopping (sigh). We were seated next to Mom and Roger, who were duly introduced and briefly had conversation before the show. Nothing too troublesome for anyone, hopefully. He did seem to enjoy it quite a bit, so there's that (and tagged me on Facebook saying he was with me at the show), laughed at the funny bits and said it was pretty cool. He did refer to it as a puppet show--which it totally is and that is about the only way one would do it! I had forgotten some details about it (most of the beginning of Act 2, like Scar coming onto Nala is just wrong), but did end up thinking, "Why was I going to pass up free tickets to this? This is really cool." But we had to book out of there pretty quickly to go to the next show. Weirdly, Mom and Roger just took the hell off and left while we went to the bathroom, so....yeah, weird.

We had a bit more conversation in the car on the way back, about respective singing lessons, how neither of us is particularly into auditioning for the DMTC shows in 2013 and he's refusing to do the Christmas one because 4 shows in a row. He wants to audition at Woodland, good luck with that since they have more money/higher standards and the like. Weirdly enough, we did NOT hit traffic coming out and actually briefly had time to hit Trader Joe's for to-go food he could eat for dinner, so that worked out. He did like the dairy-free snacks I provided as well, at least.

In The Heights was also very good and well done for a small stage + fitting actual musicians up at the top. Though I note it's been a few years since I saw it last and I think I misremembered the lottery plot--I thought it was kind of a mystery until after cough big event in the second half happens, but it is actually spoiled who got it around the middle of the first act. People were fantasizing in the show as to what they'd do with $96,000 and that is when it occurred to me as to why I don't fantasize about winning the lottery and couldn't play that game Meg and Jade were into awhile back--money can't buy me what I want in life.

Two people I knew were in it--Judah as Benny (as usual, he's very good) and Ariana from Shrek as Daniella, doing a very good attitudinal job at it. I told her so after the show and she was all, "I don't know how I do it, I'm not like that in real life!" We were spread out from the other DMTC folks this go-round so I didn't really talk to them much except before and after the show. Scott, however, pretty much didn't talk to me at all and actually like, wandered off to stand around and stare at his phone during intermission. Which was...cold and weird?


But afterwards is what really sucked, because we ran into Other Jennifer from The Producers and her husband Scott, and it was pointed out that yes, right now we are Scott and Jennifer and Scott and Jennifer and isn't that funny. Then her husband was all "we should double date sometime." I don't remember if I said anything to this or not--I think I was thinking, "well, we do run into each other at shows" or something ,but Scott was all "No. We are just friends. You are married." With pointing to make the point.

And yes, folks, that's when the clue bat hit me that no, he hasn't secretly been liking me like that on some level, or any level, ever. I'm sure you knew that. I was in denial, obviously. I felt like he cared when he hugged me like that all those times, y'all. I was wrong. I was an idiot. If he'd acted this (fairly) cold to me like he did today a lot earlier on in this relationship, I would not have started catching feelings on this level that I did for years. It hurts. I thought I was more special, somehow.

We didn't talk much on the ride home either. He wanted a hug at the end and I didn't particularly want to any more, but went along with it.

You know what, I think I'm done with this and him. I'll be polite for the rest of this show, but that looks like it'll be our last show together for at least quite some time, and I'm not going to talk to him after that. And he will not notice. I'm not going to waste my time trying to be close with him now. I was never special at all.

What kills me is that this was my hope. My one hope. I now have no hope ever that I'll find someone. I'm 44, I'm plain looking and weird. Categorically going to be Not Wanted By Anyone if I go on those dating apps, right? Seriously, I don't want to live the future I see for myself: in this crappy job until I get fired, get sick or die live the rest of my life utterly alone, become a hoarder after my mom dies, probably die of some degenerative disease. That's my future. Who's going to want me? Even I wouldn't want me.

AND I REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHY I ASKED FOR A SIGN IF IT WAS THE RIGHT ONE AND I GOT AN AVALANCHE OF THEM OVER THE YEARS, SEVERAL VERY SPECIFICIALLY ABOUT OR POINTING AT HIM, if he wasn't going to be anything to me at all. Why the hell was he brought back into my life after the big ol' cord cutting ceremony if he wasn't going to be anything? Why the hell was all of this going on if it didn't mean anything and wasn't going to be anything? Fuck you, universe, for leading me on and lying to me. FUCK YOU. I feel like such a fucking fool. Seriously, I may just do another cord cutting when I have a day off this week. Had all these things not happened bringing him back into my life when I thought he was out, had all these signs not happened, I really wouldn't have gotten the idea that this was going to be more someday. GodDAMMIT.

Which, of course, I know is on me because I'm hungry and desperate and lonely and utterly unwanted in the world and that's the only crumbs I got for years.


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