Chaos Attraction

Tired, and Tired of Waiting

2005-08-24, 4:44 p.m.

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It's one of those things people say to you (especially since Six Feet Under ended, apparently): how having someone die makes you realize just how short and precious life is.

It's not like I haven't heard this before.

But lately, I can't be arsed to give a crap. I'm too damned tired and trying to drag my ass through another day of depressing shit. Right now I'm all, "If I die before I fulfill my dreams, SO FUCKING WHAT, I DON'T CARE ANY MORE."


Today was support group meeting day.

As you may recall from last time's entry, Mom was wanting me to bring up my lack of huggy-kissy ability and figure out how to get over it.

Well, naturally, that didn't work.

It's definitely comforting when a whole room of people knows what the hell you are talking about when you talk about something awful and doesn't immediately say that you are awful. One chick said she'd felt the same way when she saw her dying father, even.

The group consensus, as it were, was
(a) That's normal to feel like that.
(b) You could try doing something different.
(c) Don't judge on your mother's standards in this.

Okay, easier said than done in a lot of ways (especially regarding c), but at least I can report back to Mom and say, "SEE? They said I was NORMAL!" Plus they said I get brownie points for even going at all.

But somehow this conversation morphed into something else, and I'm not sure how. Another person in the group had been talking about the difficulty of taking their parent out on trips before me, and I think the two subjects started to morph into one or something.

Anyway, the conversation turned into a "Don't put your life off for years while waiting for your father to die" thing, directed at me. A whole lot of "Go on vacation already!" stuff.

(Truth be told, I could use one. Or even a weekend trip that doesn't involve my relatives. I've been inwardly snarling every time I hear someone announce their latest vacation. Especially since here we get 3 weeks of it. Not to mention that every single doctor Dad has had in the hospital went on vacation during the month he was in there.)

Now as I've mentioned before, "You should live your life now because you could die at any second" really hasn't hit me in any way. But someone mentioned this time, "Well, what if you got paralyzed or something and you were still alive and couldn't do what you wanted to do?"

Just like Dad there.

I can't say that didn't give me a horrible case of the wiggins right there.

Yeah, I'm sick of having to wait to live life until after Dad dies. Yes, this is true. I just...wish I knew of some way to get some energy back to CARE about doing anything much besides fleeing town.

Though the money to flee town for a good duration of time would be quite nice, too.


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