Chaos Attraction

Hansel And Gretel: Witch Hunters

2013-08-24, 8:19 a.m.

Oh, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters. Clearly a movie that was made For The Lulz.

(a) "Anachronistic" doesn't even begin to describe it. Medieval village + super advanced guns, crossbows and exploding weaponry, and Hansel and Gretel both like to say "fuck" a lot. Nobody is trying to be factually accurate and nobody even remotely cares.
(b) There's really amusing cartoon news stories of H&G's witch hunting career at the start.
(c) There are drawn cartoon faces on the milk bottles.
(d) Let's face it, H&G are hot. Especially when they are bashing heads in and dropping the F-bomb a lot. Gretel just headbutts a guy at one point and is totally unhurt. Later she bites a chunk out of the same guy's nose.
(f) When a guy explodes all over a bar and Gretel gets the worst of the viscera up in her boobs, she is just all like, "The curse of the hunger for crawling things....I fucking hate that one."
(g) Hansel got 'sugar sickness" from being forced to eat too much witch candy. "Whatever you do, don't eat the fucking candy." Don't ask me how they figured out how to deal with diabetes in the medieval-whatever era. What is he shooting into himself? And what about "every few hours" when you're out fighting witches? Or sleeping? And when MIna later does a healing job on Hansel, did she by chance happen to cure him of it? Just wondering, I have no proof on the last one.
(h) I'm amused at the Brer Rabbit trick of fake clothes and hair on a pumpkin with a phonograph playing "Mommy, I'm scared, I'm lost in the woods" as a witch trap.
(i) Dude, she's gonna NOTICE if you're slowly sponging down her tits. JUST SAYING. (H&G have a fanboy who takes Gretel in after a witch attack. He has a scrapbook and a painting of her on the wall. Also awkward.)
(j) Porridge: "not too cold, not too hot, just right!" Yeah, you'd better get it right in a fairy tale, buster. Y'all don't need bears on top of your current troubles.
(k) Hansel gets himself strung up in a tree by one foot. His love interest comes by and offers help and he's all playing it cool and like, "No, I'm fine, I just need to know which way is back to town. Thank you!" Dude should totally be paralyzed after he finally falls out of that tree on his own, though.
(l) I like Edward the troll and his relationship with Gretel. I also like how cute the scene is when H&G reunite at their old house. You'd almost think they were boyfriend and girlfriend yeah....
(m) If Edward is forced to serve witches, isn't he going to have issues when conflicting witches ask him different stuff?
(n) THEY SERIOUSLY HAVE A MACHINE GUN. I want to know if H&G somehow managed to briefly hop forward in time and steal a bunch of weaponry.
(o) Oh yeah, grabbing someone with a chain will totally make them split the hell apart for no good reason.
(p) Ditto the ah, metal floss the witches fly through and get dismembered on.
(q) Nice use of Ben as a sidekick! He's not a dumb one and does a good job.
(r) Gretel somehow has a hand cranked steampunk heart defibrilator shocker prong thing that she uses on her troll friend.
(s) I enjoyed the ending big time, especially how H&G ride off into the sunset with their new friends to go kick more ass.
(t) Ditto the crossbows n' flames credits. They make the Avengers credits look like nothing.

It's also a surprisingly well written movie for the super cheesy material. The plot ain't stupid, and the main twist of it (which I oddly enough haven't really revealed here) works well. Man, I liked it. I even plugged it this morning to a lady who obviously would have zero interest in seeing such a thing....

In other news:
(a) I went to the Earthquake Festival again this year yesterday. It was...pretty boring, I'm sorry to say. Not that much was going on beyond bands playing and the kid areas (which looked great, but they won't let me on the inflatable fire truck at this size). I mostly went to see if I could find the tarot reader I went to last year, but she wisely did not return.

It's a shame there really isn't much of anything to do in Winters beyond go to the two fancy restaurants--it's a lovely drive to get there. Happily, I had no car issues.

(b) I have finally heard from L--she's got a lead on an apartment. Good for her.

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