2003-08-25, 10:47 p.m.
An entry for Music for the Masses.
I find myself relating to John Mayer's music way too much lately. Would it not break the rules, I would have titled this "John Mayer Retrospective," and covered a few more songs. I've had enough "My Stupid Mouth" bloopers in the last six months to make me want to never speak up again, but lord knows I've already gone into plenty of detail on those here. Listening to "83" makes me all nostalgic in a "I want to be a kid and not be responsible for anything" way, even though realistically being a kid wasn't fun for me and I don't have much in the way of warm and fuzzy memories of it. Still, why can't we just grow backwards like on Red Dwarf?
And then there's "No Such Thing", which I like and yet well, am the perfect example of all the people John's dissing in the song. I followed the right track, behaved myself, went to school, took orders, followed the plan as best I could until The Real World hit. I'd write about this one, but it's kinda difficult. The song is about finding your own way in the future, and, well... I don't seem to be so swift at doing this.
Which is what leads me to today's song choice, "Why Georgia." You know, I'm not even sure if I really like this song- it's slow, rather depressing, and I do not get why it's called "Why Georgia." What Georgia? The person, or the state, or WHAT? I wasn't too fond of it for the title alone right off the bat when I first heard of it.
And yet, I find that lines from it are often drifting through my head at unexpected moments.
Cause I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life
I always had the feeling growing up that I was supposed to Do Something with my life. Something big. Yeah, I know, who doesn't feel that way as a kid, and then they end up working at McDonald's or in soul-suckingly dull corporate job in order to support the kids for life. So much for those dreams! Like in "No Such Thing," we think that if we're good boys and girls and do what we're told, we can do whatever the heck we want. And then these days, we end up well, scrambling to get to do anything at all so we can afford to eat ramen. You know the drill.
I guess it's the price I have to pay
I wonder if I'm going to fall into that. They're pretty free about admitting that where I work now, that nobody plans on going into administration here as a dream job. They warn you repeatedly at your "welcome to the UC" seminars once you get hired that even if you think you're going to leave someday, plan for retirement now because you might find yourself still here in 40 years.
Is no reason not to ask myself
If I am living it right
On the one hand, that's pretty freaking cushy, as are the benefits even for someone on the bottom rung of everything such as myself. There's advancement opportunities, or at least there are when the state isn't totally fucked. I wonder fairly often if for the benefits, for the easy living, etc. if it would be good for me to stay here for a long time. Not in this job, per se, because it's gonna be outmoded one way or another in a few years' time, but it'd make it pretty easy for me to pursue other things to do in my spare time, they offer discounts left and right to staff to do cool things, etc. But on the other hand, I generally had more fun on an intellectual level when I was making less and writing more. I'm complacent here, but I had a blast there (most of the time).
Still "everything happens for a reason"
I guess that's where the "verdictless" comes in, as I don't really know which way to go. Is it easier to go the cushy route, where I can just do my fun on my own time and be funded for it as long as I spend 8-5 doing something else, to have money and benefits? Or is it better to go for the fun, the creative, the exciting, and screw with the rest of my life to get that?
It might be a quarterlife crisis
I am relating to the quarterlife crisis thing lately. I know, those of you that are older out there think it's ludicrous. "Oh, poor baby, you don't have any kids to tie you down and you can do whatever you want, but you don't know what! Oh, I WEEP for you!", etc.
But I think it's morphed into more than that these days. In the Bad Economy Era, it's not now a choice of what can I do that will make me happy, but how do I find something that will make me happy if I can't even get a job at McDonald's? I'm miserable, but need to eat. What do I do?
That's kind of what inspired the idea for my next NaNoWriMo novel, actually.
Or just the stirring in my soul
This drives me crazy. I don't call it a "stirring in my soul" so much as it's a "bloody annoying NAGGING FEELING that won't leave me alone to settle already."
Because I know I'd be happier settling, really. I've got the determination of well, nothing. I know you need a burning desire, a need to go through hell or high water in order to become famous, a thick skin, stubbornness and determination- and I've got none of the above. I wimp out at the slightest hardship. Really, what's so bad about having a job that provides you the funds to play from 5-11 p.m. every night and the medical coverage should you or your SO get some disease? Nothing. And haven't I lived in interesting times enough? Couldn't I use some peace and quiet? And besides, I'm kinda shy and like to be semi-anonymous, I wouldn't like fame anyway, and my handwriting's bad enough without adding autograph signing to its stresses. I don't know why the hell I've got this inner attention whore wanting to be another Pamie or something.
About the only thing I've ever found to explain the nagging feeling is this.
"Leo on your 10th house indicates that you need a career that allows you to be the center of attention, recieve praise on a regular basis and work independently. Look into something more creative and theatrical. Something that gets you in front of a crowd or reaching the public in some way."
This confuses me.
Don't believe me
When I say I've got it down
I'm the most "together" one of the people I know, usually. At least, I'm employed in a not-bad job that pays more than what people my age around here are gonna get. I'm doing pretty well for myself, and am doing about as well as I'm gonna do at this point in time.
And yet, somehow I expect more of me, and others seem to, too. I'm not sure what to do about this.
Is no reason not to ask myself
If I am living it right