Chaos Attraction

The Voices in My Head

2020-08-25, 7:56 p.m.

What a day. I was exhausted by 9:30 a.m. (of course I didn't sleep last night, when do I) and I still had to go through the rest of it.

I had to go to the periodontist today. Of all the medical appointments to dread, one where someone has to be close up in your face is the worst, but I will say that I must be numb at this point because I wasn't that freaked, all things considered. They made you call before you could go in and then gave you the usual health quiz, but I was thrown at the last question of "You haven't left the area in the last few weeks?" "Uh....I went to an eye doctor appointment on the 15th. I guess I got that one wrong?" No comment from the lady. She took my temperature and it was...a little low? Good, I guess?

Outside is, as you would assume, smoky even at 7:45 in the morning. Saw some guy out jogging and was all "oh, come on." Car is covered in ash but under the circumstances, it seems pointless to get it washed again. Oh well, it's a white car, doesn't really stand out now!

Dawn had gone there last week and wasn't too thrilled with the new hygienist, mostly because she didn't like the numbing gel they had on hand this time and I think she took it as the lady using the wrong thing. (The lady told me that was what they hand on hand and apologized for it being bitter. I could deal.) So I went in warned, as is, but I got along with her fine. She talked a mile a minute, was so doubled up in masks and face shields and gear you could barely see her and used different pairs of gloves multiple times, so about as safe as it gets. She also does acupressure on your face (with gloves on) to relax you before the blood pressure and the X-rays. X-rays didn't go great by their standards, but I tried. But after the ninth time you shove that bite plate back there, my gag reflex is having enough of that.

I think they didn't realize that I missed my usual 4 month appointment before them (I alternate with the actual dentist) due to the shutdown, because things were not great back there and once again I had to sit through lectures on how Water Piks are great (if I didn't have to remember to fill the damn thing, charge the damn thing, and haul it into the shower every time, but all three of those means FUCK THE WATER PIK, it ain't happening) and why don't I stab my gums some more and would I like some super weird extra money fluoride treatment ("it's super sticky and you can't eat anything for four hours and you have to pay out of pocket for it" did not sell me) and something about a tree toothbrush?!? As usual, I am inadequate AF. Oh yeah, and add "why didn't you get braces?" (gag reflex) and "why won't you use a mouthguard?" No way in fuck I can sleep with anything jammed into the back of my mouth all night when I have issues with 15 seconds of X ray materials being shoved in there. It was exhausting. I miss the older lady who retired and just talked about dance stuff.

I did get to ask the periodontist why they seem to be giving me the wrong numbing solution the last few times I've been in--instead of the one I used to use they keep passing me some watery stuff that numbs nothing--and he apologized and said they'd been giving me one for tooth pain and not for gagging and would change that next time. I hope, because it's their X-rays having the issue if I don't get actually numb during these things.

My neighbor Reggie was out on his patio when I parked and said hi. We commiserated a bit about dental appointments and sheltering in place. So that makes four people that aren't medical professionals I've talked to live since this happened.

Then I had to go back to work and do a couple of trainings and blah blah blah. I am tired of the giant overload of crap I still can't get done and don't understand and don't have time to fucking deal with it. I cannot deal with all of the demand from EVERYWHERE and while I appreciate that my boss gets that I don't have the time to be training the new girl on everything right now and a lot of others are also doing it, I reaaaaaaaaaaaaaally need the special crap off my plate SO BAD.

In other news, I signed up for an "auditioning for the camera" class last night in my stint of signing up for shit because I need distraction. Class is tomorrow. They said something about sending in an audition video and I was all cool, I already recorded one recently, I'll just send that in. Oh no, today they sent out instructions with various sides to choose to read from and instructions about filming and lighting and how to send it to them and blah de blah. Okay, fine, so I read the comedy women sides and frankly, didn't think most of them were funny At All, but I found one with enough personality--some lady being super snippy about her Devil Wears Prada-y boss. So I loaded up my performance laptop and Zoom filmed it with a white boring background, sent it off, hoped for the best. It's supposed to be a critique class anyway, I think, so we'll see how it goes tomorrow.

Someone also started a new knitting/crochet group at work, but it meets at night. I attended and had a good time meeting new people. The founder of this one is in the Queen's court at the NorCal Renaissance Faire, so she talked about that and I got all excited, of course. I will pimp this at my own yarn group, of course.

From Scott's mom's email list: store still closed for bad air in the area or at least staff can't spend the whole day in there, but they are now bringing the dog so as to not leave him alone (which he mentioned last night....well, not the store bit, but the "not leaving him alone" bit), they have secured housing and are "doing ok."

The package has made it to San Leandro to be handed off to USPS. We'll see how it goes.

A coworker of mine gave me a great idea: I was chatting with the new girl again and I told her about the package thing and she was amused at the idea of me sending it anonymously so he has something to figure out and then she said something or other about sending him other stuff anonymously.....Oooooh. Must think about this. Think I'd like to brainstorm with Shanna about this....

I attempted to look up the street he said they moved to to try to figure out how likely or not it was to be in fire territory since he said "in the country" and that area had to evacuate but nothing happened. Now, the street is apparently a very long one so that didn't super clarify shit for me--despite being friends with Dawn, I am not the best with maps and all I could deduce was "I think it was on the safe-r freeway side? I guess?" God, it's been a long time since I've even been over there, maybe I forgot where things are in that town. But then I got a creepy yet bright idea: I have to Google for addresses all the time in my job because people don't know where they live (not a joke) and when doing that, you very frequently come across these strange real estate websites that you'd think would only be up for places on sale, but may also be for places that were bought a long time ago. I don't know why they do that, but it's super weird. And yet, convenient for me when I am trying to figure out for the umpteenth time whether or not someone lives in an apartment/condo/trailer/post office box/something else.

Now, he specifically mentioned how many acres it had and how big the house was, and that the house is for sale. So I was all hey, wait a minute, I bet I could find the place. And I am pretty sure I did! Place I found approximately had the right size and acreage and looked enough to be out in the middle of nowhere-ish to appeal to them, and it looked really nice. Like hey, move me in there, that looks pretty sweet! So, good for him to get to use that place for awhile. As for the fire risk.... I'm still concerned-ish. But I'm glad they've got not only somewhere to stay, but somewhere awesome to stay.

Heard this song tonight and it reminded me of the good old days. God, I miss karaoke on Tuesdays.

Friends don't stand around, playing with their keys
Finding reasons not to leave
Tryna hide the chemistry

And get chills with every accidental touch

I keep telling myself this might be nothing (This might be nothing)
But one look in your eyes and, God, there's something (There's something)


I've been putting off talking about therapy today, but obviously I needed it and I think my therapist was thrilled to talk about a guy instead of work.

Things she said:
* People want us to entertain them. Don't put pressure on them to talk. "Don't even get vaguely upset" if they don't say something or other.
* Whether or not you are Too Much, Too Clingy, and Too Smothery depends entirely on the eye of the beholder.
* "I wonder if you're pulling back too far. What if you only pulled back halfway?" This was followed up with later with verbal all-caps of "DO NOT PULL BACK MORE THAN HALFWAY." Whenever I start worrying if I'm being too much, she said to only do half of what I actually want to do. This sounds like a good way to determine it, if I get up the nerve to try for halfway.
* If he or anyone else starts to object, "That's when you back off a little bit. Not totally."
* Since he actually writes back, "he's telling you he wants to talk to you." People let you know by being receptive, or not.
* "It sounds really good to me, what you're doing."
* "You don't need an excuse! You don't have to check on him, per se."
* "I think it's HUGE that he took Freddie."

I was telling her something I was thinking last night: I more or less have three voices going in my head about the subject:

The Voice of Sanity and Reason is the one who's right. It's the giant cosmic voice of everyone else saying that it's never going to happen, that this is stupid, he's just not that into me and I'm deluding myself. It's very loud and I know it's right, because it's what every sane person in the world would tell me about this. Move on, girl. My therapist was all, whose voice IS that? and I said "Everyone else's."

The Voice of Doubt and Confusion--"the one you've been hearing all day today," I said-- is the one that goes back and forth constantly, has no idea what to do, and is terrified of messing everything up by being Too Much. It's also pretty damn loud.

The Voice of Intuition, Psychic Powers and Delusion: This is the one that's wrong. This is the one that quietly thinks that he and I are going to get together someday, that he knows that too, that this is going to happen and work out. This is the quietest of the bunch, the one that's clearly the most wrong because it's illogical, the one that has no idea how to get from here to there.

It's very loud and annoying in here on this topic, lemme tell ya.

My therapist said which voice is the one that's the authentic me? The third one, I said. She said, then listen to that one.

I said that I am tired of feeling like I'm on a tightrope in this situation, never knowing if I'm going to fuck it up/fall off. She said that I'm the one putting myself on it and I can choose to get off. I said to me choosing to get off is to give up on the whole thing. She said it depends on what I choose.

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