2005-08-29, 11:07 a.m.
Two recent quotes that summarize how I'm feeling of late:
From a letter to Cary Tennis in Salon: "I am suffering from the worst kind of wound, the self-inflicted kind. At every step of the way I've known that I was behaving in a dangerous, irresponsible way, sure to cause myself and others pain, and yet I've continued to march along the path to my own destruction."
Patrick: "I really need to stop sucking really soon. Because I do. Suck. I suck in so many ways, I can't even count them."
Amen to that.
Okay, who here has seen Spider-Man 2?
Back when I saw it, I HATED this movie (except for the ending, the only redeeming thing about it) because it turned a freaking superhero into the lamest, most pathetic dude around. When I was watching it, I was seriously considering walking out of it, finding the nearest bar, and drinking myself into a stupor. It was that depressing.
The moment in this movie that summed it up for me is when Peter's at a party and can't even manage to get a canape off a tray before it's whisked away from him.
Let me repeat that again: a guy with SUPERHUMAN REFLEXES is SO LAME that he can't get a CANAPE OFF A TRAY.
I am by no means a superheroine, but yesterday was a Canape Day for me, big time.
I went out clubbing again Saturday night, and Heather and I had a sad moment when they dropped me off at home and they didn't come with me.
I had planned on trying to get as much sleep as I could before I had to get up and catch the train, but I woke up at the crack of dawn all depressed and lonely (I don't know WHY, it's not like I haven't spent significant time in the apartment alone before) and wiggy, and I couldn't shut off my head and sleep.
So, still zonked and cranky, I gave up on sleeping and went to go watch my Netflix DVD's. Watching "The Christmukkah That Almost Wasn't" managed to perk me up mightily.
Alas, this was only temporary. Because I somehow got the idea to go check my bank balance.
And HOLY FUCKING SHIT.
I have been trying to lay off my spending this last month (no clothes/yarn/book shopping) in preparation for paying rent alone. You know what? Long story short, that was not enough, and I am well, fucked up the ass with razor blades financially. I promptly had a cow, cleaned out my savings, made a panicky phone call to Mom asking for money, etc. I want to beat myself up SO BAD for this. I feel like a colossal moron. I haven't been this stupid before in my life.
Okay, I will probably be okay. Eventually. I can get money from Mom if I have to, and at this point she's decided that I'm having a nervous breakdown and NEED TO BE SHIPPED OUT OF TOWN (lucky Jess, eh?) when my vacation time hits, even if she's gotta pay for it herself, because I'm clearly losing my mind.
But still, I WANT TO KICK MYSELF SO BAD for this.
Anyway, eventually I got off the phone, got on the train, and met up with her in the Bay Area, where we went looking for the nearest Sprint store so I could get a new free phone. (Long story short, I have a new Nokia for free and got to keep my old phone number. Yay. Though getting said Nokia to work is a PITA with the button system. Every time I try to put in a new phone number, I end up calling the person like 8 times. Grrr.)
But before we did THAT...Mom spotted one of her favorite stores in the shopping center.
Okay, so pretend you're my mom and your daughter has just come to you blubbering about not having any money. What would you do?
Chances are YOU would not pick (c). But guess what, you're not my mom. And frankly, even she doesn't really seem to get her logic. But the next thing I knew after she spotted that store (50% off sale!), I'd been dragged in there and "Oooh, I really like that outfit on you..."
Yeah, perhaps you can get how come I am not so great with the money or the shopping restraint. Luckily for Mom, she has more sense than I do, plus like 30+ years of association with working with money, so she doesn't screw herself the way I did.
I am in no way proud of my behavior on this day, I will have you know.
Anyway, after the shopping spree, we headed off to Dad's new hospital, where the four-hours-of-sleep thing caught up with me and I promptly passed out asleep in the lone visitor's chair. Yeah, I'm a jerk, go to see my father and not only do I have nothing to say and no hugs and kisses, I fall asleep. I suck.
I sort-of woke up from time to time, but things weren't good when I did.
Dad's roommate is...well, creepy. He might be a nice person for all we know, but he has these HUGE FUCKING BUGGING OUT POPEYES that are just freaky. Wearing glasses on top of HUGE FUCKING BUGGING OUT POPEYES didn't help minimize that effect, either.
And Mom was decidedly unimpressed and pissed off at his new nurses. One of them apparently didn't know much about what was going on. Another one was "snippy" at her, or something, and just shot Dad up with morphine instead of treating his pain in another way, and now Mom is fuming at her. And the doctor that was supposed to show up on Sunday didn't.
In short, Mom haaaaaaaaaaaaaaates this hospital with all her heart already, and she found out (somehow) that Dad is mad at her for putting him in there. Well, what the fuck else was she supposed to DO? Kaiser won't hold him in the ICU forever, and we can't take him home and afford to turn the place into a hospital and hire a team of nurses and buy a ventilator.
*sigh* It never gets better, does it?
After that, I proceeded to have a few more meltdowns that night. To explain this, I'll say that I was wearing some of my favorite jewelry that day to cheer myself up, including two earcuffs from ColorBurst and this pendant that I spent five weeks working on.
I discovered just as the train arrived to take me back home that my pendant had fallen off of it's stupid jump ring and gotten lost. It took a lot for me to not go ballistic right there in public, because I love that thing and I worked so hard on it and the class is almost over, so when am I even going to get to making a new one?
While on the train this time, I took EXTRA SPECIAL CARE to make sure that NOTHING fell out of my purse on the way home so I didn't lose anything else.
And when I got off the train? I found that one of my earcuffs was gone.
I got home and promptly called Mom and started sobbing at her that I suck and I keep on losing stuff no matter what I do every time I go to the Bay Area and maybe I am cursed and I should just not wear jewelry any more, blah blah whine sob cry.
She then proceeded to find both lost pieces of jewelry in her car. Thank GOD.
Yeah, I can see why she's willing to pay me off to go away for awhile. Hah.
The good news of the day, though, is that:
(a) Heather and I totally forgot to have her pay me back for the PG&E bill for like six months (I never remember to get her to pay her half until she reminds me to, and then we both forgot for months on end), so she owes me something like $200. Since she's as broke as I am at the moment, we agreed that she'd give it to me in installments whenever she gets paychecks. Installments is good- nice to have random influxes of money come in.
Mom and I have agreed that we must do SOMETHING fun. The Scottish Games are going on during Labor Day weekend, and she'd like to go. So we will go to that. And our beloved Harvest Festival is also going on the weekend before I go on vacation. So we're thinking that since she has Friday afternoons off, I could take an extra day off on the first day of it (Friday), go to HF with her, then fly out of Oakland. Assuming I take a plane, anyway. So that's not bad. Anything to fend off the whole massive depression thing, anyway. Because at this point in my life, I am about ready to lose it at any second if any little thing goes wrong on me.