Chaos Attraction

Kingdom of Chaos

2004-08-31, 1:55 p.m.

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For some sick reason of late, I have had this idea to make a spoof of Kingdom of Loathing, only with stuff from my life. This has amused me no end to do.


You begin with 1000 Bike Tires of money.


You have entered The Quaint Downtown Shopping Area.

You have entered The Overpriced College Bookstore. Here is where you'll find the very basics of what you need to survive the Kingdom of Chaos and it's intellectual inhabitants.

Items for sale:

* really heavy backpack, 300 tires.

* Familiar-Gro terrarium, 500 tires.

* cap gun, 200 tires.

You buy the really heavy backpack.

You buy the Familiar-Gro terrarium.

You buy the cap gun. You wanted something more fighty and dangerous, but that's just not allowed here, so you settled for a cap gun.

You're out of money. Guess it's time for you to go to work and get some more!


You have entered The Bike Circle.

Every fall, millions of stupid freshmen realize that they can't drive like the British do, and manage to smack themselves, each other, and any poor schmuck pedestrians that get in the way upside the head with their bike wheels.

Monster! You are fighting a Moron Bike-Riding Freshman.

She gets the jump on you. She mows you over with her tires, doing 5 damage.

* Attack with your cap gun.

You hide in the nearest bushes and start shooting at her tires, causing her to crash into someone else instead of you for a change. You win the fight!

* You win an item: bike handlebars.

* You win 6 Smarm.


You have entered the Intellectual Hotbed of Intrigue. There's many places to go here.

You have entered the Experimental College.

Occasionally it's open and run by flaky hippie students.

* You take a class: Self-Defense For Ducks.

* You gain a new skill: Disco Duck Defense.

You have entered the Biological Sciences Section.

This area is full of budding future English majors who won't be able to hack it.

Monster! You are attacked by a Failing Biology Major. She gets the jump on you and smacks you with her unused textbook, giving you 5 damage.

* Attack with your heavy backpack.

Shocked by the load of books, she falls to the floor. You win the fight!

* You gain 8 Strength.

* You gain an item: Black Thumb. This thing's practically death on a stick for anything un-mammal.

You have entered The Wittle Bitty Law School.

This is the smallest law school you have ever seen.

One of the law students approaches you to be a jury member in mock trial. It's easy work, and you vote Guilty!

* You gain an item: Legal Mallet of Justice.

You have entered Da Quad.

This is an area filled with completely random people milling about, chucking Frisbees and protesting and other typical schoolish stuff. Not at all exciting to describe, unless there's a protest going on.

A Quiet Religious Wacko approaches you and hands you a little green sorta-Bible. You don't really know what to do with this, other than say thank you and run away.

* You acquire an item: small psuedo-Bible.

Monster! You are attacked by a Psycho Pro-Life Wacko Protester. Why the hell are these people allowed to wander the campus and harass people?

"Don't abort your baby!" she screams. She doesn't believe you when you say you don't have one, and then yells at you for wearing a slutty-ass-knee-length skirt.

She whacks you over the head with her protest sign.

* Use item: small psuedo-Bible.

You shove the small psuedo-Bible down her throat to shut her up. You win the fight!

* You acquire an item: really gross protest sign

* You acquire 12 Smoothness.

Monster! You are attacked by a Clumsy Frisbee Player. He gets the jump on you and smacks you with his Frisbee of Doom, for 4 damage.

* Attack with your heavy backpack.

You break the guy's hand, thus ending the game prematurely.

* You acquire an item: Frisbee of Doom.

* You acquire 5 Magicalness.

Monster! You are attacked by a More-Indie-Than-Thou College Radio DJ.

This guy is one of the most annoying people you've ever met. He grabs your CD collection from your backpack, flips through it, and then calls you all kinds of nasty names for actually listening to something that was heard on the regular radio once. Fuck off, dude!

He throws a CD at you, for 2 damage.

* Attack with your Frisbee of Doom.

You miss hitting him, but you do hit his favorite More-Indie-Than-Thou CD, which sends him into a crying fit because he'll never be able to get a replacement for it. You win the fight!

* You gain 12 Smarm.

Monster! You are fighting a College Politician. He REALLY wants your vote. He wants it so much he's willing to cover you in fliers for him and his lameass campus political party.

He fliers you upside the head for 5 damage.

* Attack with your bike handlebars.

You whack him hard enough to make him drop his fliers, and then he has to go run after them. You win the fight!

* You acquire an item: stack of campus political fliers.

You have entered the Scary Administration Building.

Everyone here's either making new hoops for students to jump through, or ducking layoffs. It's a real party, all right.

Monster! You are fighting a Evil Mutant Office Toy. Once upon a time, this was a peaceful Happy Meal remnant, but its exposure to mad scientists have made it a little plastic knicknack of eeeeeevil. It gets the jump on you and toys you around the room, for 6 damage.

* Attack with your Black Thumb.

This doesn't kill the monster, but it does drain the satanic plant evil influence from it.

* You acquire a familiar: Quiet Mutant Office Toy.

You put the toy in your Familiar-Gro Terrarium, where it sits there looking cute. And quiet. For now, anyway.

Monster! You are fighting an Ergonomics Expert. He follows you around, telling you not to be afraid of adjusting your workspace. Um, duh?

He lectures you upside the head for 12 damage. POW!

* Attack with your heavy backpack.

The bad ergnomomics of a heavy backpack shock your opponent into submission. You win the fight!

* You gain an item: sorta-comfy, sorta-not-comfy office chair

Monster! You are fighting a Whining Fellow Employee.

"Why didn't I get invited to the office birthday party? Nobody likes meeeeee. There's a conspiracy!" You try to explain to her that she accidentally got left off the e-mail list, but she's not buying it.

She whines you upside the head for 4 damage.

* Attack with your sorta-comfy, sorta-not-comfy office chair.

You whack the whine right out of her. You win the fight!

* You gain 15 Moxie.

Monster! You are fighting a Administrative Nibbling Duck.

He sees your paycheck and makes a beeline for it. "Budget cuts, you know, I'm going to have to take even more of that away from you. Or maybe take away the paycheck all together."

* Attack with your sorta-comfy, sorta-not-comfy office chair.

You whack the duck's bill off. Bwah.

* You gain 1000 tires.

* You acquire an item: egghead.

You put the egghead in your Familiar-Gro terrarium, where it grows into a giant egghead with an amusing face.

You have entered the Braggart Veterinary School. This place is a Very Big Deal, as the posters on the walls will remind you.

Monster! You are fighting a Mad Veterinary Scientist.

You see him poking a hole in a very surprised cow. Save Bessie!

* Attack with your bike handlebars.

You manage to trip him, causing him to give himself a concussion. What a wuss. You win the fight!

* You acquire an item: fistulated cow. This is a cow with a hole in its side, and yet it is not dead. You can stick your hand in and feel its guts. It's the creepiest thing you've ever seen, and it makes you feel kind of sick. But what are you going to do, leave it here for more mad scientists to find?

You put the cow in your Familiar-Gro terrarium, where it scares the other familiars.


You have entered the East Side Of Town.

You stumble across a hole in the side of the road. There is a sign proclaiming it to be a "toad tunnel." You see no toads whatsoever, but there is a charming village next door.

Monster! You are fighting Teenage Moron Vandals.

These teenagers have nothing better to do than to smash up the Toad Village. Even if there aren't actual toads around, that just seems kinda mean.

* Attack with your really gross protest sign.

You whack them upside the crotches with your really gross protest sign, causing them to run away screaming like little bitches for two reasons. You win the fight!

* You get an item: antitoad. What the heck is this? You don't even know, but it seems toad-shaped and yet clear.

Monster! You are fighting Shifty Backyard Shrubbery.

This is a bunch of plants that never got cut down or taken care of by the landlady or previous tenants in any way, and between that and the mad scientists roaming the Intellectual Hotbed of Intrigue, they've mutated into something... more.

It gets the jump on you.

It flytraps you for 5 damage.

* Attack with your Black Thumb.

The plant dies a quick and horrible death. Bwahahahah.

* You get an item: heavy moving boxes.

* You gain 10 Magicalness.

Monster! You are fighting a Shifty Soon-To-Be-Ex-Landlady.

"So, you think you can escape from me, huh?" she says. "Well, you owe me a thousand bike tires for this slight smudge on my carpet that you obviously tried to clean. Even if you cleaned, there's no way in hell I'm giving you your deposit back."

* Attack with your heavy moving boxes.

You drop a box on her, shutting her up for good. Moxious!

* You gain 1000 bike tires.

* You gain 10 Strength.


You have entered The Flooded Apartment. Wow, it's wet! You are completely bloody soaked in scummy-ass water. And it's coming out of your light bulbs. Aieee.

You acquire an effect: Completely Fucking Drenched (10 turns).

You realize you have no defense against all of this water and flee.


You enter The Quaint Downtown Area.

You have entered The Shitty Cellphone Store.

Inside, you encounter a pushy salesclerk. He's obviously been sitting around bored allllll daaaaaaaaaaaay loooooooooooooong, and is absolutely desperate to help you, whether you want to have help Right This Second That You Walked In The Door or not.

Items for sale:

* cellphone of very iffy reception, 250 tires.

You buy the cellphone, since there aren't really any cellphones with good reception everywhere in the KoC and you have no other options.

You have entered Silly P's Hardwood Floors.

Inside, you encounter Paul "The Rooster" Sedaris. Who you thought lived in North Carolina last time you checked, but whatever, it's the Kingdom of Chaos, and what do you expect here, really?

He says, "Certain motherfuckers think they can fuck with my shit, but you can't kill the Rooster. You might can fuck him up sometimes, but, bitch, nobody kills the motherfuckin Rooster. You know what I'm saying?"

You don't, really, but it's motherfucking funny anyway to hear out of a short guy with a squeaky voice.

Items for sale:

* Fuckit Bucket, 100 tires.

You purchase 2 Fuckit Buckets. Inside each are a Fuckit Bucket Candy and an empty bucket.

Paul hands you the bucket and says, "When shit brings you down, just say, 'fuck it' and eat yourself some motherfucking candy."

You eat 1 candy. It tastes delicious, and makes you feel slightly better about being drenched to all motherfucking hell.

You acquire an effect: Fowl Language (5 turns).

You acquire an item: Empty Bucket.

You have entered The Enormously Fucking Expensive Shuz Store.

The place is covered in Birkenstock ripoffs, but they all cost like a trillion dollars. Plus they have really stupid names. But where else are you going to get sandals around here? Kmart? Oh, wait, you can't do that, because chain stores aren't allowed in the KoC. Dammit.

The salesclerk is too bored to talk to you. Whatever.

Items for sale:

* Shuz, 500 tires.

You buy the Shuz. Well, at least they'll hold up under water.


You have entered The Flooded Apartment.

Monster! You are fighting a Waterfall. It's really bloody wet, and it's falling onto your bed. Crapadoodledoo.

* Use item: Fuckit Bucket

You put down the Fuckit Bucket. It starts holding the waterfall's contents, maybe making your bed slightly less drenched. Not that it really matters at this point, I suppose.

You gain 1 Resourcefulness.

Monster! You are fighting a Gigantic Floor Puddle. It's what, three inches deep or something? Jesus motherfucking Christ, that's gross. Suddenly you're glad you're not wearing your spiffy leather boots.

* Use item: cellphone of very iffy reception.

The phone doesn't work indoors. What, you thought it would work inside a first floor apartment? Are you nuts?

* You run away from the monster, like a sissy little coward.

You have entered Outside The Flooded Apartment. For now, it's much drier out here than it is in there, but that's not going to last.

* Use item: cellphone of very iffy reception.

You call your apartment managers, who come zooming to the rescue.

"It must be from the upstairs apartment," they say, "since everything's dripping. Let's go upstairs and check!"

You have entered the Apartment That Caused All The Trouble In The First Place.

Monster! You are fighting a Moron Cleaner.

"Huh? There's water in this place? I thought we turned the water off," he says. You feel a motherfucking huge rage burning up within you.

* Attack with your Really Heavy Backpack.

You smack him in the head with your backpack, which deals him 20 damage. Moxious! You win the fight! You get 20 Strengthliness.

Monster! You are fighting a Lying Sack of Shit Owner of the Cleaning Company.

"I don't have any insurance. It's not my fault!" he pleads. You don't buy that one for a second.

* Attack him with your Legal Mallet of Justice.

You smack him with your Legal Mallet, which deals him 30 damage. You win the fight! You get 5000 Bike Wheels.

You have entered the Scary Stagnant Creek area. It's all very beautiful and sunny, except for the water, which is a frightening shade of green. This is the shade that Chicago dyes its water for St. Patrick's Day, except, well, it's not St. Patrick's Day, and the dyeing isn't deliberate. This is very disturbing. However, since you're wet and covered in gross water yourself, you fit right in.

Monster! You are fighting a Hungry Duck. This is an example of why one doesn't feed the wildlife. He's just not going to leave you the hell alone until you give him something.

* Use item: Fuckit Bucket Candy

You give the duck the candy. He eats it and strolls off, muttering obscenities under his breath.

* You acquire an item: rancid duck pee. You really don't want to know.

Monster! You see several ducks holding down and raping a female duck. Three on one is just not fair or right for that poor girl duck!

* Use skill: Disco Duck Defense.

You manage to shoo the rapist ducks away from the girl duck. Alas, she's already pregnant, but there's nothing you can do about that.

* You acquire a Duck Egg.

* You gain 12 Strengthliness.

* You gain 10 Chutzpah.

You put the Duck Egg in your Familiar-Gro Terrarium. It quickly grows up to be a cute baby duck. Who knew that such a cute duck could come from such freaky acts of nature?

You combine the rancid duck pee with the antitoad and get: a baby toad. You put the baby toad in your Familiar-Gro Terrarium, where it avoids crossing the road.


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