Chaos Attraction

One Year Later

2012-08-31, 8:38 p.m.

So it's August 31. You may recall that last year at this time, I took off from work to do a vision quest as to what to do with my life. I decided that I was going to move because otherwise my life wouldn't change for the better(?), and I made an announcement that this was my last year here.


Same time of year, same sort of decision to ponder in my head: is this my last year here, or not? And can I even fucking manage a move in the first place? Am I too stupid, too broke, too newbie at driving, too unskilled, too ugly, too. generally inadequate to be able to do anything different with my life? Oh, probably. I wish I had more of a clue about this than I did last year, but I only feel more capable in the driving area of life--and even then I haven't exactly done major testing of myself on this category beyond driving to Roseville alone. I have more savings--I've done good on that score, I suppose--but since I have to reasonably assume that I'll clear them out in order to buy a car, move, or whatever--it probably won't be enough.

Adding to the fun, they are moving my paycheck from monthly to biweekly in six months, and OH DEAR GOD that is going to mean that I am totally broke after paying rent for half the month, unless I dip into the savings. I need to stop spending, but do I ever? No, no, I don't. I got told last weekend that I need to marry someone with money--okay, perhaps that's true (or at least I'd be good with for "can pay for himself," since I don't know any single dude millionaires as yet), because right now I haven't figured out how to make bigger bucks all on my own. Or stop spending them.

I am in the same place now that I was then, pretty much: kinda want to move, kinda don't, am mostly clueless as to how to do it even though I have been researching this shit for a year, and feeling utterly inadequate to handle it alone. I don't know if This Is The Last Year or not. No declarations are gonna be made this time until a car is bought and a lease is not renewed, I think. (God help me.) It'd be easier if I didn't have to worry about having one chance per year to get out of the gate, and having to decide way too long in advance to go, but them's the breaks. Hell, I saw notices on the doors the other day saying that oh, btw, your leases end at 9 A.M. on the 31st. What the hell? They don't even get the whole day to move out their stuff? That's....terrifying. (Though apparently quite quiet tonight since the upstairs and sideways neighbors are all gone.I expect an earlier wakeup than I'd prefer, though.)

Now, today has been a pleasant day, all things considered. We had a work party after work to celebrate the successful end of my summer job--all of us that worked on that process were invited. It was a free banquet of drinks and tasty Thai appetizers--I think we actually did order and try everything on the appetizer menu. I also had a delicious pomegranate-and-lemon martini and a "strawberry mudslide" (still tasted like the usual sort, but that's all right). Yum. It was a blast. And I plan on going to the Scottish Games with L this weekend and possibly seeing a klezmer-electric-guitar-Yiddish band? More spending, I'm sure, but interesting. So it has not been a bad day, despite my perma-angst.

But I still wish I had more of a clue, direction, what have you when it comes to my future career. I got told last weekend that I need to focus on that instead of hoping someone will come along and rescue me--and then got told by someone else that I need to find a partner in order to figure out career, and moving, and pretty much everything. But partnership does not come easily to me--mostly it doesn't at all--so how the hell am I supposed to do that?

I am tired of being at sea.

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