Chaos Attraction

Actual Emotional Clearing

2021-08-31, 11:22 a.m.

recently on Chaos Attraction
It's All Uncomfortable - 2021-09-05
Off Color - 2021-09-04
I'm So Out Of It - 2021-09-03
Back In The Office Again, Sigh - 2021-09-02
Your Timing Stinks - 2021-09-01

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Cast list as of November 2019

Welp, been an interesting day.

Work was fine, pretty quiet overall. Did have one of those boring meetings where neither I nor Hope had any idea as to what was going on again and what with Covid changing everything it's another giant "who knows" situation there. Whatever. Both of us are a wee bit grumbly about our new hybrid schedules starting this week, she doesn't know how to park here, other people saying they have consistent days to come in or are staying remote annoyed us...oh well, what can you do.

I went out and got tested again. This time I had to go to the gym for it, which I liked MUCH LESS than the other location they just closed. They made me go to three different sections of the building for some reason? Oh well, at least it was fast and let's hope nothing happens. I need to go look into some other testing centers around here for the next scare (see below). My test results came in at 11;30 tonight: negative!

I had therapy and I was pretty well feeling messy after all these Covid scares and shit. (And Jackie keeps wanting to talk and talk, I'm putting it off until the end of the week now. My therapist was all "my 98-year-old mother wanted to take the risk of having a birthday party," albeit March 2021 with most people vaccinated and pre-Delta.) But after the whole HMO thing, I assumed we needed to talk about my quitting therapy, and she said "if I don't bring it up, don't worry about it,' and said she did a 180 since we started getting into "little Jen" issues and that gave her a way, and she doesn't feel like she's banging her head against the wall. It's working in a different kind of way.

Other stuff; talked about how angry I am, I introduced her to the concept of the "missing stair," and talked about how I wasn't exactly feeling "clear" after these two emotional clearing classes. She was all "maybe it's clear in understanding of it, not emotionally," and apologized if she got this one wrong as a recommendation.

After work, I had the third and last emotional clearing class and....WOW. I think that actually worked this time. She said that if you haven't been progressing in therapy, you probably have stored emotional trauma and talk therapy doesn't reach that--you need to do a blended program involving your body as well. Something anchored in the past is why you can't get over something.

Things we cleared on; * negative beliefs about yourself (self-explanatory with me) * communication issues--specifically, tap into a moment where you wanted to communicate and didn't/couldn't, not being able to express anger. Imagining saying it out loud--definitely a thing I have thought with Certain People, I did say it aloud today. * hearing what you want to hear from someone who is no longer accessible--"the completion process." She said the mind/body can't distinguish between reality and imagination, and to essentially have them tell you in your head (or give a script to someone IRL) and have that person tell you what you always wanted to hear. It satisfies a deep need, even if the other person may not have that capacity and/or willingness to say such a thing.

Frankly, I think that did it for me. Hearing what I wanted to hear and saying what I wanted to say and can't ever really say.

Other things; what might be holding you back and what you're feeling stuck about, yearning in relationships, what you have issues with....finishing with imagining yourself being content alone and then being with someone happily.

Anyway....that really helped. I didn't feel so stirred up and fried. Maybe I'm finally releasing the stuff and people I cared about so I can move on from caring about them.

And finally, I went over to DMTC to pick up my DVD of Camelot. I'm in there for 10 minutes shooting the shit with Steve about grant money and him having his 40th surgery Thursday and him going down on one knee that night and ah, not having though it through as to which knee was less bad to do that on, liking dogs and Mrs. Bigglesworth in particular, etc. and then Jan walks in to get her script and randomly asks me to do the light board for Mary Poppins--"it's really easy."

Uh, yeah, never had any technical interest in anything like that in my life but I found myself agreeing to it? Go figure? So I start going to rehearsals next Thursday. Steve was all "it's really easy, just pay attention to the script, here's the kind of notes I had for Camelot, I don't yell at anyone," which I appreciated him saying.

Then I got home and looked at the schedule and was all "this show runs a MONTH?" Oh well, it's not like I had anything planned....literally.

I seriously wonder if Jan has some kind of radar about these things, after the Tomas story? Hey, it keeps me involved in theater even if I did not want to be in that particular show.

Another thing she mentioned; talking to someone who asked how she could do theater stuff all day, and she was basically all that's the dream, that's what makes me happy. Awwwww. I wish I could do what I loved all day!


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