Work: I got another writeup--a long list of my worst moments--today. At least they only lectured me for 25 minutes. I guess even they are exhausted of telling me what else I did wrong again. I am so sick of myself. I just can't react in the way that they want to and I say the wrong thing and I get stupid and I literally can't be trusted to speak. I'm in such a bad place in all senses of the word but I have zero hope of escape and I'm even worse than ever. I wouldn't hire me to clean toilets with my tongue at this point, I'm so awful. I say the wrong things, I react in the wrong ways and I can't deal with new shit being thrown at me--too bad that's all I get.

The neighbor on the left hand side--who's normally quiet silent--seems to be back and I guess he has custody of his kid again because she's here and crying again. Then he started playing a bunch of rap.

Mail drama:

Jackie harassed Wal-Mart into giving me a half off refund for her broken gift (as they could not replace it), then told me, "They gave you a refund!" I will believe that when I see that in my bank account, which as you might guess, I have not. She also claimed that she ordered it for a friend's birthday and now she can't gift it as is, which made me go 'Huh?" but...you know what, I don't want to ask.

Since it's been almost a week since the books went to USPS, I attempted to file a report about it. I put in the tracking number and got "Your package is on its way to a USPS facility. Sign up to get updates, and we'll send you a delivery date and time when available. Status Pre-Shipment: August 25, 2020 Pre-Shipment Info Sent to USPS, USPS Awaiting Item. The U.S. Postal Service was electronically notified by the shipper on August 25, 2020 to expect your package for mailing. This does not indicate receipt by the USPS or the actual mailing date. Delivery status information will be provided if/when available." Whatever that means. I think that translates into "lost forever" under the circumstances. I signed up for text announcements, not that I think I will get any. Per someone on Ravelry (there's a gripe thread about lost mail and instructions as to how to do this), I filed a report about it. We'll see.

I ordered a book from the town bookstore, which is now open for business again!.... which means that mail is no longer an option, apparently? I requested that they drop it off at my house after the store closes (which a month ago they said they'd do twice a week after the store closes, cool) but they sent me an email saying to come pick it up. WTF? I wrote back saying I asked for delivery, but so far, nothing. groans I am not going to deal with it tonight though.

I'm on Seanan McGuire's Patreon and this month's story was a sad one about the post office. I won't get into it, but it was a bummer. About an innocent girl who just loves the mail, but she lives on a farm and the mail route is getting cut. Sigh. Last month's story was a really depressing plague one. The times we live in fuck up one's brain.

I "left" work early to watch "Dear Liar," which is a reading of the letters between George Bernard Shaw and Mrs. Patrick Campbell. They are fun to watch. Brian Cox is crankypants and Marsha Mason is amused as hell by everything.

* "All I want is to have my own way in everything!" he grumps.
* "I wish I could fall in love without telling anybody," he says, and then mentions he's going to read the letter to his wife for her own amusement. Welp, that's...odd.
* He claims Mrs. Patrick Campbell named one of her dogs "Pinky Panky Poopoo." I hope he just made that up.
* "You don't deserve to be as clever as you are," she snarks. "When you were a litle boy, someone should have told you hush, just once!... Look into my eyes for two minutes without speaking, if you dare."
* "YOU HAVE WOUNDED MY VANITY! THAT IS AN UNPARDONABLE CRIME! BUT YOU DON'T CARE! NO YOU DON'T!" LOL. He's suuuuuuuuch a drama queen.
* "You smother me with your bellows," she writes back. "Why do you go on scolding the woman I am and not the woman you want me to be?" Yeah, that sounds about right.
* "You wrote her a Cockney just to torment me!"
* He calls Eliza half lady and half slut--UGHHHHHHHHHHHH.
* "I don't like fighting, I like CONQUERING." -him, figures
* "I married him. Last Wednesday." BURRRRRRRRN.
* "No, I don't miss your sonnets or your lovemaking." Also buuuuuuuuuuuurn
* "And I, the GREATEST master of letters, made a spectacle of myself for all Europe."
* "It's such a pity I can't cry." "Yes, it is a pity, any actress could."
* "Your pen makes you drunk." "It is a pity I ever read these letters again and it is a pity they are so lovely. And I am glad I never destroyed them." He is all, would you want me to publish your intimate love letters, and she's all sure, as long as you correct the grammar and pronunciation.
* He grumbles that he wrote a bunch of love letters to Ellen Terry and she's all 'Publish hers with mine!"
* "I have done my best to be truthful and non-theatrical!"
* "I was attached to what turned out to be A VERY ORDINARY INDIVIDUAL." BUUUUUUUUUUUUUURN!
* "If you didn't mean what you wrote, then you shouldn't have written it."
* "The next time you try and fascinate an actress, don't use her as a means of teasing Charlotte! That was the ugliest thing you did."
* "Oh, Stella, let's not quarrel again until we're both dead."
* "You are a mountebank. "OF COURSE! We are a PAIR of mountebanks!"
(However you spell this word?)
* At one point Shaw recounts a story about her dog, Moonbeam, peeing on the floor of a cab. She looked the driver in the eye and said "I did it."
* "Oh, what's the point of bothering about your willful nonsense?"
* "There you are at last, Joey, under my bed." -on where she was stashing the letter collection they kept fighting over.
* "I must stop making myself unpleasant!" Hah, good luck, dude.
* "I am not going to waste any more of your time with my ridiculous letters."

It was fun in a very snarky way. What a degenerate age we live in, because the likes of this can't be produced again in our times. What would we do, read people's texts at each other? (Though yes, we could have plenty of jokes about pants.)

I also found some pre-taped version of the play Constellations, which is something I've pondered seeing in the past and even though I was late to the party, decided to try watching. It started with a white screen that said, "For the last 3000 years, theater was the art that exists only when humans come together. For the last 150 days, we've been forced to keep humans separate." Hear, hear. It starts out with this whole thing about how you can't lick your elbows, which reminds me of this kid's book I read about a girl who was half fairy and apparently having that short of arms to be able to do it was a sign of fairyhood. "They hold the secret to immortality," various chicks tell various dudes. The guys don't seem to give a fuck. "Try licking your elbows." "I'm all right." So it's three pairs of people having similar conversations. Anyway, I wasn't sure what was going on with this after awhile (this is why I never paid to see the show IRL...suspected it was too artsy for me) and went to go look up the plot. Then was all NEVERMIND, NOT GONNA WATCH THIS, ENDS DEPRESSINGLY and turned it off.

I went to the new knitting group, in which one member was Zooming in from being out camping, but eventually lost signal. The founder designed a amazing storage box, and I introduced her to the joys of Ravelry. It was all good.

I also watched this Center Stage reunion. Is it terrible of me to say that Ethan Stiefel used to be hot and now looks like a scroungy walking hairball?! It pains me to see him. I want him to get a shave and a haircut so bad (and no, it's not virus, he's been "rocking" that look for a while). He looks like he can be playing "the redneck that mugs you at the gas station in the middle of nowhere" in an episode of Supernatural. Oyyyyyyyyyyy, such a disappointment!

Today's therapy was me being a whining wanker again.

I'm pondering doing something..... well, I'm not sure if I am committed enough to the idea to say what it is, in the event that I don't do it. It involves going outside and dealing with humanity, is the problem. I don't technically have to do that, it's not a good idea, it's not safe, I don't think I should do that, especially when I have maintained such high standards with the rest of the world. It unfortunately has turned into a head vs. heart argument and I don't know how to deal with that shit.

"You need to do what you need to do to take care of you," she said, and I agree, but at this point, it's in conflict. "You need to chill out about it a little bit. Everything scares you." She thinks I should do it, of course, but she runs around doing everything these days. Also: "You only hurt yourself questioning to that degree." And that I talk myself out of doing everything before I start it and I should tell that voice to shut up. I said "but that voice is helping" and she said "not necessarily. It's stopping you from thinking about taking a risk." But yeah, maybe risk taking isn't the best? Especially now?

Mom called. Roger and Evan are going to have lunch on Monday so she wants to come see me. She suggested that she hang out on my patio and I was all HELL NO, NOT WITH THE COUGHING, THAT IS NOT SAFE, NOBODY SHOULD GO OUT THERE. She was all "he's not out there ALL the time" and I said "he goes out to cough at least twice a day." What I should have mentioned was that he smokes through the screen door, THAT would have driven her off the idea. Also I was all "I'm gonna have to work" and she was all "It's Labor Day." Why the fuck is Labor Day this late, incidentally? (Also, why bother having it this year? Or any other "holiday?") SO FUCK, NOW I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS AGAIN. slams head into nearest wall For the record; Mom has gone to the grocery store, CVS, out to eat (outside....I hope), the post office, all kinds of places. Sigh.

Anyway, since it's related, I brought up the issue with her, she agreed with my shrink.

So I changed it to movies, mentioned that I'd seen John Wick (yeah, finally mentioned it), so clearly he was into that topic :) He said re-buying that series was some of the first Blu-rays they bought to replace the 1000ish they lost in the fire. He sent the pile of pictures-also original Star Wars movies and Knives Out, I said I saw that one at Christmas and figured he'd like it too. Yup. I said my mom may very well have at least a thousand DVD's but I doubt she has watched most of them, or even opened them, since she can't resist a bargain bin of DVD's. He does that too. I was also (re) reading Twenty-One Truths About Love and sent him some screenshots of silly lists from the book. There's one list about which way you say "movie" and how pretentious that makes you sound and he did not like that one! Meanwhile I was all, "I lost it reading that anyone who calls it a motion picture is a serial killer." Was doing it again until 12:15 a.m. again :) That's technically two days, hah. I like it though, reminds me of When Harry Met Sally.

However, for whatever reason I did not actually drop off into sleep and did another almost-all-night-semi-conscious doze again. When I did finally lose consciousness, I dreamed I was around all the relatives and freaking out about being around so many people. Yeah, maybe I should just lay off the texting and go to bed early tonight.

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