Chaos Attraction

Exhibit A

2022-09-02, 9:01 p.m.

Another in-office day. I piddled about, really, wrote emails, answered random questions over Slack, helped my boss over Zoom, looked for sheet music (see below). I have booked my appointment for my fourth shot. Walgreens had appointments up starting Wednesday within 24 hours again, so GO WALGREENS. Yemi booked hers too after I told her about it over Zoom. Sadly I have to wait until Friday because I have in-office days Wednesday/Thursday next week (boss said I could go if I was back by 10, but they don't have appointments UNTIL 10), so I'll go after the dentist Friday.

I did not get the second interview/job--am not at all surprised at this point there. It was a very nice and polite rejection email, though. I'm not overly broken up about it (seriously, the 100% back in the office thing was kind of a buzzkill, along with their iffy-sounding technology, and possibly losing and not getting a replacement infinite Zoom time account, and it sounded only slightly less zooey than here), but since I have such limited options in the first place, it's kinda sad to rule out yet another one. Oh well, at least I got one interview this time when I tried, which is more than I got in the last job. I came in third! And I didn't have to tell my supervisor, so there's that.

That said, I'm always not enough for anybody. I can probably guess what I wasn't good enough as at this point--doesn't work with high muckety mucks enough or do financial stuff already are the usual complaints--but I don't know how to get around those without getting other jobs, either. I am unfortunately picky about what I want in life and that's godawful.


In other news from the world of rejection, I am considering auditioning for Young Frankenstein at Woodland in mid-January, since I'll have the free time, it seems like an okay show (I don't love it like The Producers, but hey, it's still warped and it doesn't rule me out partwise like the other shows do, like "I'll be a graverobber, whatever"), etc. I do not expect to get in whatsoever because Woodland has money and quality and I have no quality, but eh, I could give it a shot and I won't super care if I don't get that one either and it's something to do/try. The audition listing asks for foreign accents (yeah, but would I need that as warm body/ensemble? Probably not), but they also want tap dancers, which I have never done. I did everything BUT tap, I didn't feel strongly about that one growing up and I felt like I already had my noisy shoe quotient with pointe back in the day. I will note that Jean (actress) said years ago she got into 42nd Street, with no tap experience, and did not expect to be made to tap, but they made her do it right there, and now she taps all the time... so maybe it's doable-ish. I emailed a tap dance instructor I saw a flyer for at the town dance school (I went there in college ages ago) about whether or not I can do drop-in classes there (sounds like it's a thing they do) and what shoes to get if I do. We'll see.

The audition also asks for a song FROM the show or similar to the show, which makes me wonder, what the heck is similar to this show?! I'm actually surprised they ask for songs FROM the show since for whatever crackassed reason* that's usually not what you're supposed to do. That said, some of the songs from it sound hilarious ("He Vas My Boyfriend" is about as fucked up as "As Long As He Needs Me," but horror version, and "Please Don't Touch Me" has TITS TITS TITS TITS yelled during it!), so that might be fun. I mentioned doing the latter to Steve and he was all DO IT) so.... I kinda wanna? We'll see what Morgan thinks on that topic. I did manage to find free sheet music today without having to buy either of those songs (and I had to look for a fuller score for yesterday's class song), so SCORE on that one.

I assume it's along the lines of the casting people just not wanting to hear the same three songs sung over and over before the show even starts.

On my way home from work, I found a fortune out of a fortune cookie. It said, "The love of your life is right in front of your eyes." I looked up, saw a bunch of cars and the back of a girl on a bike and thought, "Well, that's probably not it." Then I thought, "If this is a self-love thing, then you can go fuck yourself."

Mom has been nitpicking and nitpicking. She claims not to care how long I take to get down here but said "You don't have to pack EVERYTHING, you're going for two days," and I said yeah, I'm mostly packed but I have to grab a few things (like my laptop, ice packs for all the ice cream) before I go. And get gas. And wash the car so she doesn't bitch me out for not having washed the car. And then she called me to complain, "You're not bringing the laptop, are you?" Yes, I am. "Whyyyyyyyyyyy? You won't have time to use it." (Well, see, I'm using it now while she has Quality Time With Mr. Toilet and guess what, the bed is covered in stuff again.)

She asked how things were with Scott and I said "we talked only once since that date, because we were at the door at the same time, otherwise he sits as far away from me as he can get and avoided me at dinner because GOD FORBID people think we're a couple." She shut up after that about that topic, but I presume we'll fight about it again tomorrow, because we can't not fight.

When I got to Mom's, we went to Panda Express, ate outside (thank goodness). I told her I was taking ALMOST 2 weeks off from work and I wasn't going to be in a show or doing anything, so we could go on a trip if she wanted. (I note she started out seeing me by bitching that her trip to Tahoe with Roger sucked and he picked the worst cheap hotel room ever. I thought about telling her about the worst one I was in with my last ex, of the "rent by the hour" variety, but restrained myself.) She wasn't excited at all, said she didn't want to leave Roger at Christmas, and I said neither do I, but if you want to go somewhere after. She ignored it after that. She also got on me because I was next to someone "you used to talk to" and I have no effing idea who it was. "Scott and Jenny," she said, and I thought, "Could you NOT BRING THOSE NAMES UP?!?!?" (Still don't know who the fuck she's referring to. I know she lives in the same town as everyone at the high school, but not me!)

We then went to Target because she needed a new fan and I needed more black tights for the show. We drove up there and I thought, "oh shit, (name redacted, ex-friend of mine who broke up with me in 2004 thanks to her compulsive liar SO lying about me) works here," according to an article Mom showed me a few years ago in which she got interviewed for being in roller derby. I thought fuuuuuck, with my luck she'll be in here, hope she doesn't recognize me between the hair/no glasses/mask. Luckily for me, she was not there. On the other hand, the girl ringing us up did Mom first, then grabbed my tights, then I said I was going to get them separately, then Mom said "okay, FINE, I'll pay for it," and I said "here is $20" and handed her cash.

And then in the car she proceeded to nitpick the shit out of me about why didn't I pay attention/put down a divider between us (there weren't any, actually), why can't I EVER pay attention for a SECOND and she would have paid for it if I asked and why didn't I ASK if I wanted her to pay for that blah blah blah and then I started screaming I HAVE FUCKED UP 900 TIMES TODAY I AM SO SICK OF BEING A FUCKUP AND A FAILURE AT EVERY SINGLE THING I DO I'M HUMAN I MADE ANOTHER FUCKING MISTAKE PLEASE STOP NITPICKING ME, NOBODY CAN LIVE UP TO YOUR STANDARDS, I SURE AS HELL HOPE ROGER DOES. She said he doesn't. I said literally the only person all week who told me I did good was my singing teacher, and she took a hint and changed the subject. And actually stopped for five minutes.

When we were almost home, she said she hates her life. I said I do too, and no sooner than do you think there might be hope of it changing, then it all goes back to status quo again.

For anyone wondering why I hate myself so much and so hard, why I feel nitpicked and like a fuckup at everything I do, why the voice of hate is screaming at me 24-7, HERE'S EXHIBIT A. And I have another day of this to go and by the time I get back tomorrow night it will be too late to drive home, dammit.

It's so exhausting that she's the only person in the world who wants me, and I'm not good enough for her, and I literally can't. ever. find. anyone. else. How am I supposed to love myself when everything about me is awful and unwanted?

I note she just came up to me and apologized and hugged me.


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