Chaos Attraction

Feeling Blah, Fearing Outside

2020-09-03, 8:08 p.m.

I went to bed at 10 and actually slept well, over 8 hours last night. That's pretty rare for me. It was very nice. Too bad I'll probably go back to my usual tonight, but that's how my sleep goes.

Most of the office is taking tomorrow off. What's the point? We had to turn in our timesheets 2 days early today. This, naturally, causes problems. Because during today's training Lioness announced that she had a headache and wanted to stop working, but (after a long call) wasn't allowed to because the timesheet is done. THEN she announces that her daughter has a headache and a fever. "She took a Covid test but I don't think that's it because she doesn't have a cough. I think she has early flu." Uh....... you don't HAVE to have a cough to have it, we said. Even one symptom these days.... and there's a fever, which is the #1 symptom that seems to always come up.... So, yeah....let's just hope she gets as much done as she can today because.... oh fuck.

Jackie got her gifts and she's happy, at least.

Mom said that Evan is now coming to the olde hometowne, so never mind about her dropping by my house. Whew.

Found this risk calculator today. It's very unnerving. I sat there doing calculations on that for awhile.

Spending time with Mom outside while masked and her not keeping her distance so much: ~8 microCOVIDs (3 to 20). How risky is this? If your risk tolerance is...1% per year (suggested if not at increased risk) ... then for you this is a low risk activity. What does this mean numerically? This is a roughly 8-in-a-million (0.0008%) chance of getting COVID from this activity with these people. Doing this activity once would use up 4% of your risk allocation for one week."

I was semi-planning on leaving the house early today to go get a book. I ordered through the local bookstore and they said they'd deliver and now...are ignoring me when I asked if they'd deliver it instead. (Which is pissing me off.) But then I thought about it, started crying, decided that since the store is open on Sundays I'll just combine going there with having to leave the house to drive anyway....why leave the house even one more time than I absolutely have to?

That other idea I had about going outside? Forget it. I can't even deal with a book dropoff. Unless the person brings up the topic on their own, I'm not going to. But you know what? I don't WANT to get over my fear here, though. I don't want to get comfortable and think anything is okay outside. I don't want to relax and go outside more and feel like I'm okay, because then I will let my guard down and then do something stupid. I'm very prone to that.

Instead of leaving to get a book I really want and the Internet says is amazing, tonight I watched a storytelling show about Pulitzer Prize-winning news stories...which turned out to be very depressing stories on murder and drugs. Even the presenter was acknowledging that this was hard going.

I cooked a large family size vegetarian lasagna because I wanted the breadcrumbs. This takes about 2 and a half hours. I normally only bought this for Craft Center potlucks and god knows I can't normally eat all of this by myself, but whatever. I did just spend over a week eating Jackie's cake, which I just finished. It made the kitchen somewhat warm, but we're no longer on "don't use the power" alert right now so what the hell. It actually came out REALLY well to cook it that long straight from frozen. Usually at the CC I try to "thaw" it in the refrigerator for a while before trying to cook it so it's faster, but then it comes out cold in the middle fairly often. Tonight it was very tasty and crunchy and perfect. Huzzah!

I walked around the house for 90 minutes and did weightlifting with large water bottles. Good job, me. While doing that, I listened to the "Chasing Cosby" podcast, which as you can imagine, was about as much of an upper as the Pulitzer one.

Synchronicities continue, I guess.

I would like to contact Scott tonight, but god, I got nothing cheerful to talk about. I'm not in a horrible mood, just blah as fuck. Maybe tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrow. Maybe I'll just go to bed early again.

More online tarot! This one is foretelling a new serious relationship--"you're almost there but not quite there yet," "somebody is coming in to offer you love, could be a water sign." "I keep hearing a voice that says, somebody really loves you." Cups cards all over. "You're overthinking love." "Some sort of reunion happening."

Quote of the day: "If you're like me, you live in an eternal hellscape of constant fear and sorrow." -Samantha Bee

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