Yet another day in which I wish I could just snap my fingers (or let Thanos do it) and stop existing. And it's not even THAT BAD of a day workwise. I had therapy--my therapist sounded like shit but said she was a thousand percent better (though clearly like, not okay), so.... at any rate, I'm down a complete toilet of everything, so. She said I was ripped a new one on a 3-day weekend and didn't get to detox, and Mom probably has no idea what she's doing when she does what she does. She can't be there for me because she can't see it and just thinks I'm her, or whatever. She said Mom would be appalled if she had any idea what she was doing, and she doesn't know how to stop. She said being functional is one of my superskills, which I guess explains why I never quite collapse and keel over. I note that I am reading a book called "Easy Crafts for the Insane" and the author talks about being completely nonfunctional with depression (except for the crafting), and I never, ever hit that kind of low, albeit this is pretty low with the "not wanted at work, not wanted by you-know-who, and mom can't fucking stop picking on me" train to hell.

Honestly, it's not so much that I want to actively kill myself, I just want to stop being myself so I can stop having to continue life as it is until I die, with it being just like this. I can't figure out how to do that. I don't think quitting everything and moving to Hawaii would do that, either. I said to my therapist that I'm not bad enough off to actually take action towards doing anything, but I AM NOT OKAY. But...what's making me not okay isn't exactly fixable and still don't wanna take the pills. (Seriously, nothing could convince me on taking pills, the way things are now with them. I just cannot stand the situation of "we have no idea if it will work, it'll take six weeks, the side effects kick in within hours though, GIVE IT A TRY, it MIGHT make you feel better!" of it all. Especially if you hear horror stories of "I tried the meds and they really fucked me up," too.) I can't deal with the pig-in-a-poke thing and I don't feel badly enough yet still want to be alive to make that worth it to me.

In other news, it is 117 today, according to Accuweather. That's way going over my temperature gauge cross stitch, for sure. Oh, and they sent an alert out asking everyone to cut their power use or else we'll get blackouts. Um....yeah, good luck with that today. I wonder what happens at the theater if the power's out? (Answer: it didn't go out, though several stoplights were out today and some people said gas stations were closed.)

Rehearsal: Kimmie said there was another creep in the parking lot again and they locked the front door, but I didn't see him upon leaving. Didn't bother with buddy system when no one is out there.

The wolves are NOT having a good time of actually having to wear their wolf masks, because they can't see, because human eyes go where the fake wolf eyes go and they can't really fix that. To which I keep thinking, "Um, this is why I did not volunteer to be a wolf in the first place." Jan in particular said it used to be fun and now they just all can't see and bump into each other. Annie: "We all ran into the wall, that was fun."

My fork wiggles off my back and lurches around. This got complaints from people onstage with me, but literally nobody in authority in the audience noticed that. I asked Jean about it and she said she had no idea how to fix it. Guess I'm just stuck with it.

Other than that, things are going well, no major dramas, no cursed productions, no chaos magnet going off. Yay.

Quotes: Rachele: "I tried to flip Annie off and flipped Maya off instead. That was not meant for you. Don't tell your mother." Annie: "That was 100% meant for me." (This was followed by commentary of uh, did you think and 11-year-old didn't know what that was?)

Alisa on something: "Oh, great, now I have to learn it!?

Steve: "You can cry in the dark. Which is a Lifetime movie." "Annie, you almost killed Jessica." Annie: "But I didn't!" To Jared on the trapdoor: "You got out, you got something to eat...."

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