Never heard from the car place. I assume they are not open today under the circumstances. Oh well, it's not like (a) I wanted to go out and (b) like I have anything else to use my vacation time on anyway.

I slept in. I read The Last Emperox. I walked around the house. I worked on making stuffed llamas, one on commission and one for myself. The bodies are about done, time for the decor.

Back to watching The Umbrella Academy:

* The scene where Klaus tries to come out to his cult as a fraud is like this film.
* "Hey, this is a trophy!"
* "I can't take a piss without you nitpicking my aim." "Unharm my weiner."
* "We're all Team Zero"
* "You don't have the conch." (Diego grabs it and throws it.)
* Poor Ben: always here and Klaus won't say shit about it.
* Luther grumbles that he's not going to be a seal for Dad's amusement. Diego just throws a knife.
* "Allison can rumor anyone to do anything." "I heard a rumor you can punch yourself in the face."
* "Last time you handled it, you definitely blew up the moon."
* "You're the special ones, aren't you? Why don't you band together and do something about it?"
* "I tried everything in the time traveler's handbook."
* "Wrong number. Have a lovely day."
* Klaus is "shy?" About his penis? Which goes everywhere?!
* Poor Ben: missed out on the four way sex swing whatever, is just about to lose his virginity, and then gets interrupted.
* How is the fish still alive?
* "What do you think of these new security uniforms? Too pansy-ass?"
* "I liked that shit-muppet."
* "I would take a year with you over a lifetime with anyone else." D'awwww. *
* "Who will bless the pool water?"
* "Tell Jill that rollin' in the dirt was the greatest moment of my life."
* "I heard a rumor that you killed your brother."
* "Ohhhh, so it's gonna be one of those kind of nights. So are we burnin' or buryin'?"
* Five's list of random things that happen to you when you encounter another version of yourself includes sweating, itching, urination, gas, and acute paranoia and homicidal rage. Well, the last two are certainly a giant duh.
* "I have pubic hair smarter than you."
* "And what I am is sexy trash."
* "I'm going to beat you, and not the way you like it!"
* "And you once wore a sarong to a fraternity party and got a shitload of numbers."
* "You wish you could pull off these shorts!"
* "Luther, I don't have time for you to tuck and squeeze here."
* "You want it?" "Go ahead." turns out to be "which one of us is gonna kick Luther in the crotch?"
* "I stayed. You don't get to ask for more than that." Oy.
* "Eat shit, Ape Man!"

Today's online activities:

3 p.m. "Me and My Masks" Monologues.

Memorable ones: I missed the title of the first one, but it was about an AFrican-American lady choosing to wear kente cloth on her head and people's reactions.

Lizzie D. Combs, playing a girl in Film Studies 101 whose laptop starts updating right when she's supposed to do a presentation and thus has to "wing it" on her presentation on Ingmar Bergman, masks, Hitler.... "Underneath, we could be Nazis!....I'm not explaining it right..." This turns into a ramble about her ex is dating someone who is like wallpaper.... Audience loved it! Much laughs! This one also won an award.

"Angelica on the Balcony" featured a lady literally breaking out her bong and her coffee: "I call this microdosing. I like being high, I don't like being fucked-up." It was about the masks she's made and not being able to get anything at the store and leaving the masks out on the balcony to dry for days and stripping on her balcony... also mentions cutting up her dead brother's clothes to make them.

A Change In Nature: this one is a guy Kelly knows, having it out with a raccoon...and vice versa. "I think I'll call you... Lunch." Versus "If you don't want someone going through it, you should have kept it inside!"

"What I Wear Outside" was about putting her dog to sleep. Heartbreaking, of course. It does get funny when she starts saying that if dogs could talk, all they'd say is "Can I have a treat?" but otherwise, she's asking him to wag his tail and whether or not he wants to die and.... oy. Later "You'd let a serial killer in if he gave you a treat." By the time she starts singing/crying "Goodnight, Sweetheart," the audience was wrung out and muttering 'Oh my god."

"A Good Turn" is a priest who's "defrocked" or dismissed or ...whatever, in a home for priests in limbo. Sixteen is the line between one form of punishment and another.... oy.... talking to apparently the person he molested. Oh god. The priest doesn't quite seem to know what to make of gay marriage. "If you hadn't gone away to college, did you ever think what might have happened?" "It's not how I imagined my golden years, but I'm not eating dog food." The priest refuses to apologize--go to the diocese for that--but says only we know which one of us was the aggressor. Oh boy. The priest also talks about how he talked the kid out of going to seminary and not becoming like him. Wow. This one also won an award and then won the audience award "by two votes."

"Torched" is a lady giving a monologue about a dead lady, Kathleen Chang, and her turbulent childhood, suicide attempts, marriage, dropping out of school, etc. "Dierry" is how she called her diary, and changed her last name to "Change." The speaker works in the dean's office and found out she's being laid off for no good reason. She tells a lady with a kid to leave before she gets too adult, and yells at her husband not to leave, but he leaves anyway. Anyway, she tells about how Kathleen left a bunch of packages and then went to campus with a pushcart through of suicide notes. And then the narrator decides she's going to demonstrate how Kathleen set herself on fire, which she saw back in the day...and pours water on herself. "I wonder if Kathleen ever noticed how slimy this stuff is," she says at random in the middle of her rant. "I am drawn to Kathleen like a moth to a flame," she says, as she holds up a lit lighter to the camera.

"How To Play A Dead Body." Yes, this is a class as to how to play a body that doesn't move much..... "Pick a position and stick to it! Commit to the attitude of death! Do not move!" "Did anyone molest the body? Some of you think that's funny!" "Acting dead is the same as acting alive! There's subtext!"

"What Scene Is This?" features a.... spacey? actress backstage. "If I don't know, you don't know!" "They just let me wander." She rambles on about the elephant in the play.... "Getting it through the door was kind of a hassle. We figured it out during tech week." She'd rather just stay out here and talk to the audience for awhile.... "Just think of me as halftime entertainment, ok?" She talks about her boob being out in a show being her "breast performance!" Her husband died two years ago, but she talks to him anyway, she feels like she's a ghost.... This got a lot of laughs too.

"You Labor" is about a dad telling the story of his troubled kid, working at factories, addiction... You can guess how this ends, and it's sad. (Also, he regrets voting for Trump.) Not what I'd call my kind of subject matter, but very well done. Audience was wrung out. This one also won an award.

"The Sticking Point" is about a lady who finds herself mysteriously stuck in one spot and can't get past some invisible wall, even with people pulling/pushing on her. She ends up having to move into the house next door and the ability to leave shrinks and shrinks....I guess she's not quite dead, but she seems to be shrinking/disappearing? Yup. Interesting. This one won the "Wild Award," whatever that is.

"Do Sheep Dream of Woolly Robots?" This girl is dressed as a sheep...monologuing as a sheep.... "I baa revolution." She's a sassy sheep, talking about ordering 100 pizzas in her dreams for her friends.

After that I watched "Lapkus and Tompkins are September Babies," streaming online-well, the first show ran long but hey, it was still pauseable/online for me to catch it and it's up for a week. It's a two person improv show they do monthly. Except then they showed 5 minutes of nonsense videos. Huh?

This was Lauren Lapkus and Paul F. Tompkins. Lauren had her birthday yesterday and people kept sending donuts out of "quarantine pity." A delivery guy ate one of them by the time she got one box of them. 'I didn't expect to get anything and then I got 45 donuts." "An embarrassment of donut riches." Paul's is Saturday and what shall he do? EAT ALL THE DONUTS. Other fun facts: Paul was in "There Will Be Blood" for 2 seconds, and his wife's mother/stepdad saw him in a special before she started dating him and they remembered him.

As for improv, they seemed to be a couple singing jingles, and he says he needs to quarantine...at his girlfriend's house...which has the same name as someone in that movie...then they do a bit in which the wife talks to the mistress: "Are you having an affair with a woman's husband? "I'm my own stepmom. I don't think that's good. I guess I have to have married my own dad for that to work out." "I did whichever one was not gross." Then there's a debate between Buca di Beppo and Olive Garden, while singing "Just Can't Get Enough."

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