Chaos Attraction

Getting Lost in Cameron Park

2015-09-13, 9:02 p.m.

As things are right now, I will probably not be making it to the big Casa de Fruta Renaissance Faire (which is to say, if I’m going I am gonna have to go alone on a not-discounted weekend, and I am rather grumbly at my mom for the day she chose to get theater tickets that weekend on, but anyway). However, I did see an advertisement for a Renaissance Faire in Cameron Park (this/last weekend), so I decided I’d go to that one alone.

The fair itself was fine--small, but in an interesting/weird lake location, with events on a semi-island and peninsulas and random geese wandering about (watch out for the poop!). I gather it’s the second year it’s run? However, getting to the fair was kind of a pain in the ass. For one thing, GPS decides to go to hell in Cameron Park and kept insisting on directing me to fancy neighborhoods. I don’t know why when you say “drive on Cambridge Park” it kept insisting that I should really be taking side routes. Now when GPS does this usually, it’s because it’s easier to get to some location (like a store) if you take a certain side route, and I thought the GPS was doing that. NOPE! It decided that I wanted to go to an airpark neighborhood instead. Yes, streets wide enough to drive your plane down and a driveway you can park your plane in totally exist.

Anyway, I eventually got fed the hell up with the navigation clearly taking me to the wrong place and backed on out, and eventually I found the park, BUT....they had surprise shuttle service! There was a lone sing saying don’t park here, go to some address on Green Valley Road! (Which is super easy to put into GPS when there’s not really room to pull over, incidentally, and I’m trying my damndest to not forget the street numbers before I can get this to work.) And then the GPS insisted on directing me to the ass end of nowhere (plus some giant car was tailgating me, so pulling over wasn’t gonna happen), and then told me to go into some other rich neighborhood....

For the record, I was supposed to park at a middle school. Where I eventually found a shuttle and pretty much nobody else. (For the record, the shuttles look like this. Pretty hilarious.) Apparently Cameron Park would really rather not have people park on that street, though I saw plenty of people doing it. Hell, I should have tried to have done it. The driver said they were running every ten minutes, but I found out during my looooong wait for the shuttle back that it was more like “it runs when there is someone to pick up.” The security guards got fed up and started calling for us, but I think it probably took a half hour to leave at least.

Meanwhile, I kept thinking of going to Carnivale Fantastico, which also had shuttles, but they also posted this information on their website with a schedule of how often the shuttles ran from and at what times and what parking lots. Comparatively speaking, the ladies putting on this fair didn’t have much information on their website and uh, nothing at all about this shuttle situation. I also would have appreciated knowing if I could buy a ticket at the faire on the day or not, because that way I could have used the coupon I had instead of having to buy it online without. Though given how ticked I was at the over an hour long I took to find the joint, the prepaid ticket was the only thing making me stick with going after awhile.

I’m debating whether or not to e-mail them about this (I already had to ask them how I actually would get a ticket physically when the only way to pay up was via PayPal, they said I’d be on a list at the gate, which did happen), or if that would just be douchey of me/stirring up trouble to point out that mentioning these things on a website would be uh, easier for patrons. You never know who's going to lose their shit at you these days.

Anyway, after leaving I did some shopping for my Halloween costume and managed to find things that would work for it, so yay. I also ended up talking to a girl about Renaissance Faires and ended up passing on my hard-learned information (and coupon, and directions that were better than the GPS) to her if she wanted to go on her day off. I hope she had a better time finding things than I did if she went! And I did some book shopping...sigh. I found a good improv book, a printed copy of one of my favorite books (The Rook) that I’ve only ever found in ebook so far, and The Shepherd’s Crown (RIP PTerry).

After that I went to improv shows all night. The first one featured a comedian doing routines--her best bit was on “If you’re loud you’re a bitch, and if you’re shy you’re also a bitch, so what do you do?” Which is why she speaks in a “smooth monotone.” To which I was all “Hear hear!”, very loudly, and she was all “God bless you.” Then in between routines, improv happened.

Amusing moments I took notes on:
(a) “It’s just a magical hellscape!” --referring to Disneyland
(b) “Why can’t you just watch midget porn like your brother?”
(c) The concept of “resting fear face.”
(d) Everyone in Canada talks like Dr. Seuss and rhymes!
(e) “A lady has a garden and a man waters it.”
(f) “You’re gorgeous, but you’re a woman, so get into the dumpster.” Followed by “I think I am overqualified to be in this dumpster!” and “You are garbage, BE garbage!” and “And that’s how women’s suffrage began.”
(g) At one point, a lady ah...kinda forced two men to do an anal licking scene on stage. Damn, girl.
(h) A scene in which people were acting out being taste buds and then when they ate jabanero, they all got kicked in the crotch.
(i) Dr. Seuss speak about execution options in Canada.
(j) Cereal mascots and why they ended up in prison--stealing Trix, snorting Cocoa Puffs, people were stealing Lucky Charms....

The second one was ACL, the one where they do interviews and base their skits on that. Tonight’s interview was a guy with a moving company and he had amusing stories on how they always discover vibrators and dildos when they pick up beds, and when they come back they’re mysteriously missing. Also, he talked about going to one weird house--when you start out your day by seeing a 14-year-old smoking on the porch, you know that family’s screwed up.

Amusing moments I took notes on:
(a) A recurring routine about the Dildo Fairy--two movers hide behind a bed to see how dildos disappear and discover it grants wishes, other couple tries that out and he tricks them, then the other genitalia gadgets get on him for granting bad faith wishes.
(b) The signature move of having sex under the table at a wedding.
(e) An HOA complaining that a new couple moving in do NOT have weed growing in the back yard, and also need to have a mini meth lab in the garage.
(d) A house where there were (mostly creepy/dirty) bear sculptures everywhere, including two dudes uh...well, having sex.

And then the third and final show was “Barger’s World,” a “kid’s show” that ain’t for kids. It’s Mr. Rogers/Robinson’s Neighborhood, straight from South Sac, where you either get shot or fuck a cow! Anyway, the uh, plot features a stuffed duck named Quackers and a game called Quackers Quest. Quackers doesn’t like being asked questions and gets very angry about that. The “episode” also featured raver gay dude special guest “Purple Bear” who roofied Eric with some amnesia drug that made them all break out into crazy dancing and/or making out every few minutes. The clues for Quackers Quest turned out to be lotion and a bottle of lube...gee, I wonder what that could be for? There was also an experience with a “glory hole” and uh...well, let’s just say I’m amazed at that dude’s nerve for doing that particular activity with his mom in the front row.

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