I woke up from 1 to nearly 5 a.m. Guess how I'm feeling. It figures that when I just want to get out of my life and head and be asleep, I can't. I was up in the middle of the night reading a Christmas novella and doing another angel card reading that came up with cards about making a wish and using music for manifestation. Fine by me!

I don't have much of anything to say about work. Spent the day dredging through the special crap and being harassed to fix things NOW. The person harassing me to fix things NOW literally had no idea what was wrong or what to tell me to do and basically told me to stop asking, which was......argh.

Therapy was good, though I didn't take too many notes. I was feeling like shit and said so and had a lot of conversation about how my tone pisses people off and I need to be a better actress or actually BE what they want since trying to get out of the job hasn't worked. I don't know what I'd want in another job anyway, I just know what I want to avoid. Meg is talking to me about manifestation, but I don't really have much to say in the plus column, I don't remember what it was like to like a job any more, etc. And a lot of it was me saying that I know such-and-such a thing I am thinking is crazy and not right, which she agreed with. "I think part of the problem is that you are not crazy but you feel like you are," she said.

She told me to read "Feeling Good" for homework, since I already have the book around the house. However, I never finished it before and while trying to read it while walking around the house I remember why: good god, he starts out dull, just pages and pages of arguing that bibliotherapy works and I just want to be all "get ON with it." I came out "moderately depressed" according to his test and that's about as far as I got today.

Tried texting Scott tonight--I sent him something ridiculous along the lines of a dirty joke, and he was horrified by it, and I was all "Never bloody mind, I give up." I got very annoyed/shamed/embarrassed/what the fuck do I do now about it all.

Jackie wants to drive my mother a cake and is all annoyed that Mom hasn't texted her back yet. I am all "hell if I know, when she's with Roger...."

Linda sent me a link to this SF Fringe Festival taste test video show... thing..... It's very odd. But of course, it's SF. It's pretty bad when the most fascinating one is a guy being all, "I was sitting on the toilet this morning..." and is now flashing Scott toilet paper. Very deliberately. Uh-HUH, universe, I see what you did there. He keeps saying the name over and over again too. (In other "it's a sign" stuff, I'd like to know how I found a random plastic ring in my bedroom that I had never seen before?)

I found another storytelling show online to watch, with the theme of "Stuck." I hear ya. One lady talked about how her mother (a NURSE) tried to Superglue her teeth in and instead just glued her hands to her face and glued her mouth shut.... "That's the story we drag out every Christmas." She says in her family it's just not possible for them to have a holiday without police or some kind of medical situation!
"Irrational fears are what bind my atoms together," says the next guy, who says he was convinced he was going to be eaten by a shark and thus booked himself on a shark diving trip to get over it. Later when he got robbed, he was much less freaked out than he could have been. Then there was a lady who didn't learn how to drive and has taken the permit test so many times she's seen the evolution of how they offered the test....and she had the same rationalizations I did about not doing it, too. She's now learning and it's going well, though.

I signed up for some 30 Day Create Your Future Self program thing. Let see how many days I last at it before I lose all interest! Probably day three, knowing me (note that days 1 and 2 are up) because I never stick with goddamned anything on personal development stuff for whatever reason I have never figured out, but I need journal material tonight.

Day 1 Challenge: Pull out your journal and write down who your future self is 3 years from now.

My future self is probably about the same as this self now for the most part. I'll still be here and struggling in the job that I hate, but I'll have made it over 20 years, so there's that. We'll have just gone back to the office because the pandemic is over and everyone is vaccinated and safe to be around each other again, so hopefully things are going back to pre-pandemic normal. I am starting my first in real life play again after the pandemic, with Scott. I am able to see all my old friends again, finally, and go places and visit people. After three years of being alone in a pandemic, Scott is finally ready to be with me romantically and we have a very dramatic adorable hugging reunion and get together romantically after that. Mom and Roger are still happily together. I have been in a lot more plays online during the pandemic and have a great resume now from online performing and I've gotten a lot of stories told too. My pink hair has all grown out and been cut off and I have normal looking hair now.

Note: I wrote this and then went to watch the day 2 lectures, which was saying that we can't figure out for ourselves

Day 2 Challenge: Pull out your journal and reflect on how you've changed in the past 3 years.

Just for the heck of it, I looked up this entry from the end of 2017 for comparison. Three years ago I was taking acting classes and voice lessons, doing storytelling. I had my old car. I wasn't doing much journal writing. I was attempting to talk to my college ex even though I knew better. I was about to get into the Gumbo show. The job situation has not changed AT ALL in the long run and I can pretty much say the same now that I did then.

So overall: (a) I was on my way to getting into performing on stage for others. (b) Job is the same hell (c) I said I'd never fall for anybody again.

In what ways are you different from your former self? I've gotten into shows! That did not necessarily take every single person who auditioned! (even if they took most!) This has actually finally happened and I can count myself as an actress :) I did finally get interested in someone else again, which I felt like would never happen. Nothing has changed at work though, really. I am only getting more burned out and having more of a nervous breakdown. I'm not getting bullied any more, half my specialties have changed, I've had like three supervisors. But I'm still the same stressed out shithead at work. So two out of three....

How have you grown and evolved?

I've definitely grown and improved in acting and performing stuff. I've devolved with regards to work. Meg would say that I've opened my heart again on the third one, though mostly I am just confused as to how that whole thing has gone. I've had so much magical stuff come up regarding it, so that's extremely interesting and I hope leads to good sometime.

I guess all of this is congruent with my future self thing: I wrote that acting was going well and I'm hopefully with him (per that three year prediction thing) but work is still the same, because on the crappy levels, work is always the same and hasn't gotten all that much better. I still struggle and have problems and rub everyone the wrong way and fail. Why would that change? Unless I get fired/quit and die, I don't see that changing because I can't envision another future for myself.

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