Chaos Attraction

Angsty and Outdoors

2020-09-17, 7:53 a.m.

I'm up way too early this morning. Gave up on trying to sleep (neighbor is being noisy). I haven't done this in awhile, actually get up and just fuck off on the computer. It's guaranteed to be a shitty day at work again, so there's something to look forward to.

I'm just so tired of trying to solve the "how to make conversation with him" problem. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to get him to make conversation. I don't have enough stuff come up in my boring life to really have anything to talk about and god knows he doesn't seem to have much. I'm starting to think I made up this "connection" in my head and really, I'm just pathetic and desperate. Why should I bother any more? If we can't talk over a distance, this isn't going to last or be anything later. Shouldn't I just give up? Why am I caring? Why isn't this any easier or more natural? I can make conversation with plenty of other people just fine. If theoretically (given all the magic shit that went on) this is meant to be, shouldn't it be easier? Would he even notice or care if I just stop texting him and go back to normal ignoring? Does anything matter? Is this just a guy thing?

This seems accurate. I can't communicate how I feel with him--I don't want to under the circumstances of he's not ready and pandemic and blah blah blah, though. This one (#3) as well.

Day 3 of the "Create Your Future Self" thing was going on about how personality tests are bunk. Okay then. I don't feel super strongly about that but I guess I get the point. Challenge: -What would happen if you stopped defining yourself by limiting labels? -What is a label you could give yourself that would help you become your desired future self?

I don't really have any deep thoughts on this. Mostly just reminds me of reading this this morning. I don''t know on labels. However I define myself doesn't matter, it's what others choose to define me as that counts. I can think I'm great all day, my friends can think I'm great, but if work thinks I'm awful, that is the only label that matters. I didn't count as an actress until others defined me as such and let me be on a stage. Yeah, clearly I am already over this on day three as per my usual.

Today was an actual pleasant day at work, even slow. I normally don't work this week and go on vacation because it's slow, but there are definite pleasures to having a slow day while working from home, y'all.

In the morning meeting, BigBoss essentially said she can't say what's going on, but safety services will handle notifying anyone who's been in contact with....someone... and we don't know how long the office will be closed for. However, by the end of the day we got the clear to send people back in, so...all clear with that, at least.

The sudden disaster thing I was supposed to deal with today got moved to tomorrow. One of yesterday's disasters was pretty easily cleared up with the printer and I'll finish dealing with it tomorrow once I get the printer's approval. The other one is being looked into but nobody else at least called to complain about it.

I think I'm going to call the new girl Kelly. Her name reminds me of the word and I haven't thought of anything else better (well, far no crazy pet stories going on...) and presumably we may have another new girl soon, so might as well pick one. Anyway, she was very sweet and virtual hugging me today, which I needed. She was forced to watch a training video on the horrible thing we have to work on tomorrow and hoo boy, she has no idea and noticed that Former Coworker Sarah and I had NO idea what Tigress was talking about...and sometimes Tigress didn't even know what she was talking about. Yup, that's why it's a disaster.

Oh, and I made a new friend of sorts, I think? I had a work class today by the current crop of ombudsladies (I swear they do not last in this job long) and it was a good class, and also I didn't know anybody in it so I could be honest about my stress levels. One lady and I instabonded over private chat about being overloaded in our jobs and agreed to do lunch together on Monday. She was a delight. The class was good too, even though I cried during it. It pointed out that distance learning has a lot of effects on our psyche about thinking the worst of people just because you don't see them all the time, which frankly might explain why Grandboss has been such a fun picnic to deal with since it happened.

I did see afterwards in her email that the new friend (Eva) works in a department I interviewed at years ago, but eh....dunno if I'd remember her or she me, so maybe that's not an issue. Probably not, I think she might have gotten hired after I interviewed there.

Also, I was griping about my little text incident with Scott at lunch and Yemi managed to fix my reaction with a solid "who the fuck cares what a dude thinks, you didn't do anything wrong" reaction, and that I shouldn't second guess myself. I said I do it all the time anyway.

Dawn announced that she's retiring in mid-November and did actually give her office two months notice instead of a bare two weeks (I am rather disappointed she didn't drop the bomb and run). Her lease ends at the end of the year and she still doesn't know where to move too yet. I am rooting for Redding/that area, but she still hasn't taken Utah off the table. But the place she likes there doesn't have much housing and is hours from a hospital, which is concerning. We said she can still be on the meetings and mailing list since god knows we don't care if you work here or not to be on it.

I got an email from That70'sScott/my fake husband Vinnie in TnT as to what he'd write in a card to Nunzio. It was hilariously bad and utterly misspelled all over the place, which seems classic Vinnie. I rather hope he DOES send that IRL, but who knows. If I had a printer I would have printed the thing and slapped it in the mail, but if he doesn't I could just send it later after my card gets there, perhaps.

The air is actually GOOD today! And SneezyMcCoughsalot hasn't been outside in two I decided that one way or another it was actually clear and safe to go out on my patio and assume that 27 feet of droplets from his faceholes haven't been covering it for some time. I wore my face mask out, but otherwise felt quite safe since no humans are out and nobody walked by and I only saw a few people driving and one taking out trash across the street. I haven't been out here to try to enjoy myself since March. The weather is absolutely lovely and warm but not boiling and I did my afternoon walking workout on the patio while reading/listening to an audiobook for an hour. It was lovely. Except for the mask on my face, I could almost forget and for once, I felt safe outside. I'll be sad when Sneezy goes back to his usual shitty behavior, but for today I can enjoy it. Outside is really nice when nobody else is out in it.

Then I used my new laptop outside and grabbed a lawn chair to continue to stay outside to watch the "Parks and Rec Town Hall" event at 6. The beginning of it was entirely the cast of P&R talking about voting in Wisconsin, which as a California resident I could not stay interested in too much. I did take notes on the Q&A for awhile:

What would Andy and April's marriage be like in 48 years? "Andy might have multiple injuries and not be able to move...."
How would Donna treat herself if Biden wins? "Run topless through the streets."
Could Jim O'Heir play a villain? "I'm laughable, I'm lovable, I'm the fat funny white guy!"....that said, he'd go for it. "Now you know why he's despised." -Nick
Why did Leslie love Joe Biden? (a) He's from Scranton, which is the most Pawnee-like town, and (b) has a populist streak. (c) He's empathetic like Leslie, and (d) "he's a stone cold fox" and they thought it'd be funny that she had a thing for him.
Aubrey stole some "biographical notes" off Biden's desk and then lost them. Adam took a photo of her falling asleep at the Naval Observatory.
Ben Schwartz pretended to call the Wisconsin hotline and "an actual piece of cheese just picked up."
The guy who plays Jeremy Jamm was in character, still with a mohawk, in a kimono, eating pita chips through the whole thing.
Henry Winkler ran into somebody who'd seen him in Happy Days and legit remembered the conversation. "Stop! I remember everything! I remember the episode!"
Then Mom called while it was still going on (I think I missed them talking about more guest stars and voting in nothing that crucial, I guess) and she actually had a LONG time to talk since she was walking to her house while Roger was on a Zoom call for the volunteer police department stuff. (Not sure why he has that meeting when he can no longer do the job, mind you....) She was telling me all the sweet stuff he does and it's like he considers them married and I said awwwww. I hope someday I can get that. Maybe when I turn 67 too.

Mom's opinion on the texting was 'he knows what you're like" and just because there was one thing doesn't necessarily mean he's mad. 'You're on pins and needles as to what to talk about." She kept telling me to tell him I got him the books, as in "promise me you will," and I said I won't and can't bring it up, and then she was all "stop for a week, see what happens," and I said I know what will happen, nothing. "Maybe this is the end of it and maybe this is what it took to get there," she said, though she did point out that you don't know how people are reacting over text and "you are so afraid of the situation, you jump away."

True. I just don't get how to deal with this. I think I would have rather jumped into another relationship again, that was just easier. I'm so sick of the ambiguity of it all. Part of me really wants to give up, except there's nothing else for me if I do and I don't really want to, I just...want things to improve and develop and not ....whatever the fuck this is.

From "The Pattern" app: "Don't force things to happen right now. Learn to embrace the momentary lack of control in your life instead of resisting it. Any attempts to control what you're feeling will leave you spinning your wheels. You could spend 100 hours or 10 hours trying to see things more clearly get the same results. It's beyond your ability to solve right now."

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