Chaos Attraction

Settle For Me

2022-09-17, 9:42 p.m.

Saturday: I spent the day doing very little. I dragged arse out the door to get gas and groceries and return library books and that's about it. Mostly I wanted to spend it resting and cross stitching outside (almost caught up on the temperature gauge...sigh), and I watched "The Windsors," a terribly trashy show based on the Windsors circa 2016 or so. Camilla's an evil schemer, Charles is cheerfully in denial about his popularity, Wills and Kate are well meaning semi-idiots--Wills kinda wants another career, Kate is a "gypsy" (show's words, not mine, don't kill me) and Pippa is trying to bang Harry, who's so dumb he can't read. You get the gist. Ashley showed me a meme later that night about shows you can watch on Netflix while crocheting, and that was about it, for sure.

Show: continues to go well and smoothly, thank goodness. I continue to be amused that a week later some people are still all "wait, you don't have a mask on?" Not until people start coming down with it again, I said.

Jan somehow lost her beret and it turned up in the pile of flamingos for the kids' show. Go figure. In Christmas Carol news, she's still looking for another Mrs. Fezziwig and said that because of needing another female body, she can't just pass those parts on. She said there were six couples for the Fezziwig number ("last time we did it there were 12"), and then I tried to count out how many there were. Other Steve in this show is in that one, but obviously can't dance, so not him. I count six guys if we rule him and Scrooge out, but then even without another Mrs. Fezziwig, that's seven women (should be eight with one). So I think some lady or two is likely to be ruled out...probably me because I'm terrible, which is probably all for the best if they are doing lifts, for godsake. Oh yeah, and she said Old Joe is in the beginning too so I have more crazy quick changes. Whee.

Quotes from the dressing room:

Julia works at a department store and was talking about dumb customer behavior, including one who walked up to her in uniform and asked if she worked there. "No, I'm just a big fan."

One of the guys (unsure who) wanted Q-tips. Sierra has made a supply kit for both dressing rooms and said, "Can we just agree that men are idiots? I made you a bin for a reason!"

Jillian: "Why am I putting on lipstick? I'm a gargoyle."

Sarah on Jared's performance at the end of act 1: "Well, I guess they like him, he gets to keep the role."

Annie at intermission: "It's too quiet in here, guys, I'm out."

How Jared wooed Alisa: "He sang karaoke at me." AWWWWWWWWW. I'm so jealous I could cry. How Steve wooed Jan: they were both in college band, apparently.

After the show, I did my usual these days of staying far away from Scott. However, his parents were in the audience. I didn't totally want to ignore them (honestly, I like them and I'm really super disappointed they'll never be future in-laws), but I just avoided until Scott moved away from them, and then went over to say hi, which is to say "farewell forever, you nice people." I said this is probably my last show with him since I probably won't be doing any more this year ,and they were all yeah, he's taking a break and we're moving. Then Scott came BACK over (sigh) and they asked him if he was doing anything after the show and he said he didn't know yet and I said, "Jan said Applebee's again" (I know he can't go to that) "and I'm going to karaoke by myself," and walked away. Just like that.

Gee, I'd invite him, but he said last week he didn't want to go and only went for certain people...which wasn't me, because I don't count, of course. I both felt smug and mean about it and sad at the same time. Then I went to the bar and hung out with the bar crowd. Jim asked about Scott again and I said I didn't even bother to ask him, and I'm pretty much going to give up on him after this show is over. We agreed that we never ever know what is going on with that guy.

(Honestly, I hate this, BUT he's never going to care about me like that. He doesn't now. He doesn't notice I've been avoiding him for weeks on end and he won't notice once I'm gone. I just really want to SAY SOMETHING, but what good would it do? And what do you say, anyway? "After you said that I felt like shit and I never want to be around you again?" "Have you NOTICED I haven't been around you for weeks? Remember how we hung out during shows before?")

I actually stayed after Jim and Ashley left because I had my car, which....you know how Jim says it's a bad idea to stay after 11? Might have been. I will note that at this particular bar the others in our "crowd" are Buzz (married guy) and Adam (I think he's some kind of grad student), and when Adam and I were there alone, I kinda got that "hm, I'm now considering you since I'm single and nobody else I know I might be interested in is" vibe from him. Sigh. I heard "Settle for Me" in my head. As usual, I ....got nothing for him emotionally (he's pleasant to hang out with but I'm not feeling anything else...as fucking usual). But seriously, I should settle because waiting for the right fit is never going to come. I'm never going to have love in my life unless I go for someone who will go for me, even if I just don't care.

I could cry.


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