Chaos Attraction

Synchronicity and Numbness

2020-09-18, 8:27 p.m.

So yesterday when trying to figure out what to do about....well, everything, I did an online draw from the Lynn Woodland oracle. And I got this card: Synchronicity. HMMMMMM. So how do I bring that on.... Later I got bored and since I won't be going to the library to check out books, I started looking around their ebook collection. (Which per this article, certainly wasn't great on looking up virtually any recent books.) I finally got tired of trying to find books off my Amazon wish list and just started doing searches on words, and found some books on synchronicity. I downloaded "What A Coincidence! : The wow! factor in synchronicity and what it means in everyday life" by Susan M. Watkins, and started reading it. So it's a book about a lot of synchronicities and dreams and whatnot that happened to her--she has a whole chapter dedicated to the foreshadowing of her son being in the Bay Area during the big earthquake--but the chapter before that one was the one that hit me.

She mentions at one point running into a friend of hers with a four year old daughter and the daughter later draws a picture of the three of them together. Sue thinks this is cute and later gets the idea to draw a drawing to send back to the kid. Her idea is based off of "sometime my brain just goes to the moon!" and involves a brain taking a vacation. However, the friend mails the drawing back and says she won't show it to her daughter because it's "too grotesque." Sue feels totally humiliated and utterly shamed to read that, gets pissed at the friend and "after that, I somehow never got around to communicating with Sarah or her daughter again. And a little seed of resentment, fueled by shame, took root." Twelve years later, she's going through stuff and finds this. The next day she ends up in a bookstore and sees the friend in there and debates whether or not to say hi or run for it. Suffice it to say, she's conflicted. After all this synchronicity stuff, she gets up the nerve to say hi and Sarah is thrilled to see her, and does not remember this brain drawing story at all, but wants to hang out. Sue gets over her resentment.

So....good point. Though I still don't know what to say any more, that's still a problem, and I still have no idea.

From the 30 Day Future Self Thing: he's talking about having a different view of the future and how someone he knew who was in jail decided to see himself at Harvard. There's a quote about "the only way to make your present better is by making your future bigger," because you'd have to operate differently in the present to get there.

Pull out your journal and reflect: What is the future you're currently pursuing? -What future do you really want to focus on?

The future I am currently pursuing seems....pointless in a pandemic because it doesn't seem like we have a future. Just saying.

But if that wasn't a factor, my future is mostly status quo. I can't see or think of any way to get out of my job and I'm tired of trying and I don't have anything else I want to do anyway. I can't see a future that isn't just like this and that was before pandemic. I don't have a career goal so burning that I care about working towards it. I don't really want to learn SQL on my own at home, I don't give a shit. (And since current management has no interest in supporting me in that or letting me use it at work any more, doesn't matter anyway.) I don't want to run a business. I don't want to freelance. I'm not interested in my work career, it's just for survival. I can't do what I want to do in my life to make money and have health insurance, so I don't want to put any extra into it. I care more about what happens after 5 p.m.

Under normal circumstances, pursue stage performance is what I want, albeit it's a bit stymied right now. Not gonna ever try to do it for a living and lord knows I'm not that good anyway, but that's where my interest lies. I don't really want to write books unless they're David Sedaris-type stuff. I used to want to be famous--well, I still kind of do, because see stage performance--but in practicality, getting famous can ruin your life and will definitely eliminate your safety and attract stalkers, so I've given up on that. I'm going to keep hiding forever. Play small. Focus on life outside of work, hopefully performing for small crowds. That's the goal. (And well, having hopes that someday I can have a boyfriend again, even if it's somebody else.)

I signed up for Ten Questions for some insane reason. Today's questions:

1. Describe a significant experience that has happened in the past year. How did it affect you? Are you grateful? Relieved? Resentful? Inspired? Me: Oh lord, describe "a" one? We all fucking know which one. Watching 90% of your world end within a few days, for godsake. Is this a recycled question? It might have had more variety and meaning in previous years. But yeah, everyone's upset and crying and pissed off and depressed all the fucking time and not to mention completely insane and unable to focus.

Supplemental Question: Describe an experience from before the COVID-19 pandemic that may now feel like it belongs to another world entirely. When you think about it, how do you feel? Me: Being around people without being afraid. Hanging out in bars. GETTING TO HUG PEOPLE. Getting to sing in public. Getting to live your life without fear.

Weird things from my email: (a) The NorCal Renaissance faire is sending out "Virtual Village" email even though "the Faire is closed this year due to plague" and profiles the glassblower guy. (b) The Folsom Turkey Trot is....somehow still going this year, virtually? I guess it boils down to "donate money and get souvenirs," but I'm puzzled about "have their times listed on the website." How? Oh, you it yourself. Hard pass.

I had an actual uneventful day at work, only two meetings, things got resolved, it was quiet. Huzzah! (If not for you-know-what, it was a nice day...)

Sneezy McCoughsalot has not gone outside again today, so I braved the outside during my work breaks and went out there again for a few hours after work was over. I'm starting to wonder if Sneezy moved since (a) all of his stuff isn't outside any more, as a lot of people have put their stuff back on the patios (I admire the person two doors down on the left who has a hammock chair out there) and (b) other than some banging around 5:45 a.m. the other day, I haven't heard any noise in there and certainly (c) no coughing, sneezing, loogies, and the screen door does not have clouds of smoke coming out of it. But management said in March he wasn't leaving and I didn't hear Moving Noises a few weeks ago, so I dunno. I think I will just enjoy the outside for as long as I can before he goes back to being a shithead expelling his bodily fluids in the direction of my un-fenced-off side of the patio.

Anyway, today was about 82 and windy, but the air quality was still good. I walked around reading outside to finish my 10,000 steps (which on a pedometer limited on my walking range comes out to about 45k, sigh) and/or freaking out and going back inside at times when I heard the neighbors above me doing things like sweeping. I have now determined that the girl above me (when not singing karaoke) has some kind of Russian accent and a big fluffy gray cat that briefly hung out on the edge of the patio, and presumably the asshole who screams and says all the slurs while outside on the phone lives above SneezyMcCoughsalot, as his girlfriend went out to sweep the patio and I heard him talking to her. I was not super thrilled to see people actually briefly using their patios in my vicinity. How's the six foot rule when they are above you?! Reggie, the neighbor who lives two doors down, came out on his patio and said hi a few times and we chatted a bit. I felt safe since he was a whole apartment away, at least. Anyway, that was nice....we'll see if it's doable in the future.

I am completely numb about RBG. Of course this happened. It's the darkest timeline, that's to be expected. We'll have the youngest, healthiest bigot on the Supreme Court within a week, Trump will be reelected in a rigged landslide, and I had no hope of ever having sex again anyway so I don't have to care about the whole abortion thing. That's to be expected. I literally can't be shocked by anything bad in the news any more now. We're already dead and doomed. Jess sent me a panicking "I'm here! If you need to call, I'm here!" email (does she think I'm I want to ask?) and Jackie texted to say that she "just lost it" when she heard the news, which is actually the most shocking thing of all today because a few years ago she used to be (bizarrely?) apolitical and would have very weird conversations with me about trying to avoid the Trump conversation that I did NOT ask her about, though she has gotten over that shit. Go figure.

Did text Scott and he is also bummed/pissed off/knows that it takes 47 days at the shortest to get another Supreme in there. I said I was numb and he said he's been numb for a long time, wants to scream today, has cried a few times. I said I was doing it a lot for the first three months and he said "oh geez, I'm sorry." God, I wish I could have been there for him. He also mentioned being asked to do one of the shows from the 10 minute play festival in Sac but he bowed out after the first and because his job, well, can't justify doing that with people coming from all over where he works. Can't do plays anyway between time and priorities. Sigh. This is all just so fucking sad.

Anyway, the texting turned into his work again (both overloaded but can't really do anything about it) and mail stuff, but went on till a little after midnight, so, score for me for managing to make some conversation even if neither of us was in the best of moods. Well, who is right now. Actually, I am really pleased that I can get him going for two hours. Come to think of it, I don't do that much texting with anyone for that duration. The closest is Jackie, who texts almost every day but the conversation is intermittent and usually about cakes, weird geek toys, or whoever's ticked her off lately. Shanna and Melinda can do some conversation for a bit. Other folks, well, aren't saying much. So that means something, too. :)

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