Chaos Attraction

Things Pam Said

2012-09-19, 9:35 a.m.


And here start the Pam Entries. Bwahahahaha. Now it gets more fun.

Not a lot going on today, either. Went and did the Rite-Aid-doctor-post office errands that didn't get done yesterday due to rain. I slept until 11 because nobody's alarms went off. My back is okay again, but the nose blowing continues, and my throat wants to get sore again because I keep having to breathe through my mouth.

Pam has arrived this afternoon. Holy cow.

Conversations overheard:

• How Aunt Babs is an energy vampire and one night Pam was exhausted and Aunt Babs was bouncing around like a 16-year-old. I'd find this funny, but given that I got sick the day after arriving here, now I kinda wonder.
• Mom had pondered buying Pam a “dammit doll” that we saw in Northampton, but Tricia talked her out of it. Mom told this to Pam, who said that someone had given her one with button eyes. Then some coworker of hers decided to beat on the doll face first. The inevitable occurred. I said that was bad design to sew buttons on a doll you're supposed to beat up.
• “Bill is strange. Selina is strange. Alex (Matt's brother, an archaeologist) is strange... My whole family is strange. I'm sorry you're part of it.” I asked if she was strange and she said, “Yes, of course I'm strange!” She then went on to say that she thinks everyone in the family has OCD, what with the hoarding and all.”I don't know what my grandchildren are going to do. Something strange.” She then said that when he had kid #6, her son Jeff had finally had one that came out a hellion like he was.
• “Well, if I ever come out there again and you take pictures of me from behind, you will be hurt.” --commenting on Mom's tendency to do this.
• “Would you want to spend all summer on a rock with a dead zebra?...I don't even want to eat breakfast now!” --on reading Alex's wife's blog. Apparently she is also crazy.
• Pam used to have “Jabberwocky” memorized because Bill would wander through the house quoting it.
• “When we planned her funeral, it was weird. We laughed all day long.”
• “If you die? Did you think there was another option?...They picked on me all day.” --Pam on writing out “if I die” instructions for her kid.
• She told the story of how Tricia's mom came home one day to find a naked woman in her bed. She called the cops-- the woman claimed she'd moved into the neighbor's house and she was “confused.” Except the house had been locked, she must have come through the window, and her clothes were neatly folded on the neighbor's porch.
• When someone makes a crack at her that people from West Virginia don't wear shoes, she just goes with it.
• “Nothing like wrecking the ice cream truck to make friends.”--on having one truck drive behind her as she was about to pull out.
• “The Internet is the Antichrist and is going to be the end of all of us.”
• She mentioned the time Bill's car had a broken spring in the seat that ripped her pants. “Bill's car bit me.”
• “I had Mother watch Betty White when she was on Saturday Night Live. Betty was so dirty on that... Now Mother hates her.”
• “John” (Paul's brother) “has a tattoo of a mad chef with a knife on his leg.”
• “Mother? Show her your snaggletooth.”
• Pam pointed out the various jerkass things my grandfather did when she was visiting for the summer as a teenager. Like ignoring his oldest kid (supposedly the favorite, according to Mom!). And insisting on taking them to Chinatown ONLY on the one night they had other plans, making darned sure they didn't make their other plans, and then he drove through Chinatown so fast you couldn't see through the windows. ”I really got the feeling that he was a spoiler...He did everything to spoil what you guys wanted. It seemed like he did things in life just to take the joy out of them.” At this point in the conversation, Mom was all, “I told her to divorce him!” I was so shocked to hear that! Mom has always championed and stuck up for him no matter what jerky-ass thing he did-my daddy right or wrong, how dare you, he has good intentions, it's totally okay for him to steal everyone's candy, blah blah blah. It drove me nuts to be told he had a good heart or whatever when he was being deliberately jerky. Like, I know he's her beloved daddy and she didn't get enough affection her whole life long, but...DAMN. “Spoiler.” That explains a lot.
• Pam referred to herself as being so emotional, she cried “at Snow White and the Three Stooges.” That's a movie?
• “Every party has a farty, that's why we invited you.”--calling Aunt Babs a party pooper for going to bed at 10.
• “I'm the only 66-year-old woman whose mother always knows what she's doing.”
• “I used to go up to Ogilvy Park and get in the snake pit and hold them up to show people. They weren't poisonous, I wasn't that stupid.”
• While driving to KFC for dinner, I got all excited at the sign at a biscuit restaurant, which said “Spicy Chicken Hillbilly.” I would totally order that, whatever it is. Pam got all annoyed because when Aunt Susie and Uncle Brad were here, Uncle Brad liked the sign too. She was all, “We are not hillbillies!” and I said, “I know, I haven't seen any here. I have seen far more of them in California.” Especially if you go to Clear Lake.

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