Happy Smiling Camera Face
2020-09-19, 8:33 p.m.
recently on Chaos Attraction
I actually got up the nerve to text Scott again in the morning--told him about Vinnie's e-mail--and found out that the cat that ran off apparently ran off again for another three days and is now in kitty jail in the house, as she well deserves. He didn't mention that time...but seriously, if the cats keep disappearing, maybe they need to stay in? Except for the one that sprays, anyway....
I'm mildly amused that yesterday during Yarn Club we were having a discussion of the various natural disasters endemic to any area and what we're used to vs. what we're not. Dawn said that her Texas relatives never want to go to California because of the earthquakes, whereas we are all "Eh....until The Big One comes and kills us all, it's not that bad." I've only been through one bad one (in 97, obviously) in my life and every other one has been incredibly minor, sometimes I sleep through the darned things or only notice them because I'm in the right place to. Whereas tornadoes or hurricanes or what the hell ever season certainly happens in the Midwest or South or wherever all the time, right? Then again, we have wildfire season now. There's always something. I also mentioned in the conversation that at least twice we'd had an earthquake drill in school and then had an earthquake later that afternoon. Well, looks like Friday night there was a quake in LA. Though about asking Shanna about it, but it's only a 4.5 so she's fine, I'm sure.
10 Questions today: 2. Is there something that you wish you had done differently this past year? Alternatively, is there something you're especially proud of from this past year? I wish I'd gone out and done more stuff outdoors in January/February, I wish I hadn't dyed my hair pink. I wish I didn't suck at my job, but frankly, I didn't have the control over myself to do any better.
What am I proud of from this year? Doing online plays. Making new friends online. Actually trying to text Scott and at least keeping up with it for the last month, especially this week because I was really tempted to just give the fuck up.
Supplemental Question: What was your main New Year's resolution or personal goal at the beginning of 2020? What do you think of that goal now? Does it still seem relevant? Does it seem trivial? Does it seem distant? "This year: get on stage as much as I can, hopefully getting others to let me on there. I’d like to do at least the dinner theater, Shakespeare, and Christmas shows again since I think those have enough large casts that I can get into those and those directors like me." On the one hand, it's not relevant because I could not be in those shows in Winters. On the other hand, I actually got into more online shows this year than I would have, which is amazing. And hell, I technically DID get into the dinner show, so there's that!
Day 5 of the Create Your Future Self thing: today's lecture is about the future self you're going to become passively/as things are now, versus having a dream for another one and directing yourself in that direction. Which is a good point. "We're all driven by a view of the future. But the future is limited by what we've currently experienced by what we currently know." You need to watch yourself achieve, and be exposed to new and bigger ideas so that you can actually imagine different futures. "My future self is in a place where what's normal to my future self is beyond my current self's imagination."
-Pull out your journal and answer: Who is your future self 3 years from now? I definitely can't answer or see that now, can I? Not in the pandemic age. I want to think that three years from now everything is safe and okay (yeah, right) and I'm doing something I hate less for work and I'm happily in love and onstage a lot.
-What is the "normal" life of your future self? The normal trajectory of my life as is, assuming we can ever get out of a pandemic, is that I either stay in this job forever or eventually get fired and end up homeless/dead because I can't get another job. I have a long, cranky life that I live all alone. I continue to craft and do whatever other creative things on the side. Overall, this is not the future I want, but I haven't figured out a way to get myself off that train track. I haven't been able to see another future for myself. The pandemic trajectory of life....well, hide in a bunker until I catch it or otherwise die, I guess?
-What matters to your future self? Love and performing and being financially/healthily secure.
-Why do you want to become this person?
I spent more time outside today, after the Lawn Guys were done. It was really nice for the first few hours. I saw Reggie sitting outside but he didn't call out to me, probably because I was sitting far off listening to headphones. I read and listened and it was lovely to get to be outside in a situation where I felt safe again. I tried to dredge through reading "Feeling Good," per my shrink, but that guy's writing style is not the most lively. I did enjoy finishing listening to "Murder By Other Means," at least. I have a hard time keeping focus on audiobooks so I had to listen to most of it again to get it all, but it was good.
I kept looking over at Sneezy's empty patio and hoping and thinking maybe he'd moved? Thinking that maybe I could just enjoy the outside again if he's not polluting it....And then around 2 Sneezy and his girlfriend--I can now verify that he has one--came out and started doing something with spray fixative, so I gave up and went back inside to do my walking around for the day. Sigh. I went back out later again for an hour and he kept going in and out and spraying. I could somewhat smell it from here. I probably should have gotten up. I don't know what to make of Sneezy and his girlfriend....crafting. That's normally a thing I approve of in people. Well, at least he's not coughing.... for now....
I was going to go to the Sacramento Storytellers Guild meeting today. I had the idea that I'd just watch it outside on my new laptop, except I unpleasantly determined that the sound was still blasting itself loudly even with the headphones in. Shouldn't that turn...off? I went back inside to try to wrangle the thing--still with everything off, mind you--and then I started getting messages: "The host would like you to turn your camera on." "The host would like you to turn your mic on." FUCK YOU, NO, I LEFT. You don't get to demand that I show you Happy Smiling Camera Face, I canNOT do that shit any more. Fuck you for asking and asking. I don't know who was running it this time, but fuck that. No. Not okay. I don't want to go back if someone thinks it's cool to demand my face. Why the hell can't someone just do the Internet equivalent of sitting quietly in the back row, not being noticed?
Later in the day I watched a play put on by my alma mater's theater department, "Everything You Can Do (To Make The World A Better Place.)." I had no idea what this was about beforehand and they gave NO description at all, but the title sounded hopeful? Anyway, it seems to be about a young lesbian named Kelly who's obsessed with her activist ex Denise, who sailed off on a "Bluepeace" boat. Kelly turns up at a teacher's strike even though she's neither a teacher nor in school and is hoping to see Denise turn up there now that the boat is back, because Denise is always at every protest for everything, I guess?. Kelly seems sweet but is awkward AF even before finally get Kelly's story about her girlfriend, since she doesn't exactly fit the population of the strike, writes the word "clarinet on her protest sign for some reason, spells the word wrong even though she was told to pencil the word out beforehand and DON'T SPELL WORDS WRONG AT A TEACHER'S STRIKE..... you get the drift. Anyway, an eager, cheerful (and I suspect, horny) young lesbian/substitute teacher named Sophia is clearly wanting Kelly bad upon first sight even though Kelly is even more painfully awkward upon interrogation. Kelly is reminded of Denise in Sophia's enthusiastic protesting. "I'm a serial activist too, like your missing girlfriend."
Then Kelly goes to a women's rights protest in a pussy hat, "looking for two lesbians. I was looking for one lesbian to find another one. Lesbian magnets." Sophia brags that she doesn't need food and water, she just needs protests. Honestly, she's cute and all, but she is Super Much and Kelly just looks blank and confused. Sophia is GODAWFUL MUCH all over Kelly when she finds out that Denise was Kelly's first girlfriend and gets all OMG THAT'S SO KYUUUUUUUUUTE!!!! BABY LESBIAN!!!!!" about it and Kelly clearly just wants to DIE.
All Kelly cares about is Denise, dammit. "I want to be her cause. I want her to care about me." Why didn't she care enough? She doesn't care about any of these causes and says that protests are "A city of people shouting at no one to do nothing?" Kelly points out that protesting makes you feel like your voice is being heard, but nothing is going to change, which is generally how I feel about protests. I go to them, they make me feel somewhat better, but does anyone in power care that I went to a small town and waved a sign around? Of course not. Sophia's bubble is burst.
Next scene has Sophia and Kelly at a die-in. Wheeeeeee. Kelly gripes about the rock in her back and how long does she have to do this?! Sophia says to wait for the media to arrive. "If you want to prove yourself to Denise, these are the people you need to convince." Sophia also passes on that she heard that Denise has moved on to someone else. When some guy named Marcus rips on Sophia for her new "piece," Sophia snipes that "she's not my new piece, she's Denise's," and then all the "dead" people wake up and want to know where Disappearing Denise is. Kelly picks a fight with another girl. It's now quite hedge-y as to whether or not Sophia actually KNOWS Denise, but she did sleep with Marcus's fiancee, so...
Then we get a monologue from a character called "Silent Betty" (har, like Silent Bob), explaining that she and Denise bonded because they'd both lost people to gun violence and she went silent for years after her family deaths until she met Denise. Betty is all "You only knew the best of her, you don't deserve her," and I am all, hear hear. Kelly realizes she never knew Denise and maybe her Denise doesn't exist. Sophia says she's looking to belong, a purpose. "We'll find out where you fit. Together."
Sadly, this touching scene turns into one in the next scene where Sophia somehow convinces Kelly that a molester killed his own dog, solely because nobody sees him come out to walk the dog any more. WTF? And then the next scene is a bunch of people in animal masks smashing things...God, I hate Sophia for turning Kelly into a jerkass/other version of herself. And in the next scene, it's time for guns and bombs. "We have a very strict rule: no balaclava, no bombing!" Kelly reasonably starts freaking the hell out at real ammo and being told to shoot, and Sophia just gives no fucks and is all for bloodshed. (Is this really what the missing Denise would want?) Sophia is all, do you think I'd hurt anyone? and then loads her gun. I hate Sophia. She is also up for straight up murder. Kelly realizes that Sophia just took her on as a "project" to turn her into a monster and Sophia is all "I just wanted you to see the world the way I see it." Kelly is all, "Denise would never have gone this far." THEM'S FIGHTING WORDS and I'm guessing Sophia's just gonna shoot Kelly now.... No, Sophia confesses that she was on the Bluepeace boat with Denise, who freaked out while on the boat. Sophia is homicidal....and I guess Denise was Sophia's girlfriend before WHICH EXPLAINS A LOT (also I'm guessing Denise is dead, though teh play doesn't say)....and Kelly now smacks Sophia in the head with the gun. Sadly, this doesn't kill her, and the show end with Sophia sneering at Denise, "What do you believe in, sweetie?"
I feel kinda like when I saw "Urinetown." I thought it was going to be .... less depressing from the title. But good lord.
In the Q&A afterwards, they said they only had 5 rehearsals and a good chunk of rewrites. It was inspired by a real life story from 2018 of a nonbinary kid calling the police on themselves to say they had a knife, so they't get shot. "How do you get to antifa if it's a thing?" "How do you get from wanting change" to doing violence? "Sometimes violence gets results. That was a horrible thing to say." Also, "Sophia is the anti-Denise. If Denise is all, what do you believe in, Sophia is all, what do you hate?" The directors said that this was more choral and the distance disrupts the energy between the actors., but they did a good job of making up for that challenge and trying to connect.
Joke from one of the cast: "Who wants to start a violent riot with me after the show? :)" followed by the playwright grumbling that everyone but him wanted to dance, which they did.