Another day, tired of work, what else is new, therapy got canceled, and I was in a meeting with Grandboss in which she got very....weird.... about our Important Document vendor claiming we are "inconsistent" in how we send spreadsheets. This word really got to her. To which I was all "literally we haven't changed the format in several years, I cannot answer why they said the word "inconsistent," my best guess is that they consider us "inconsistent" because we don't have that column they want and other people do it." (Note: the entire meeting was "They asked us to add a column to the spreadsheet and that causes drama.")

I also found out that we are no longer going to order Important Documents for anyone who doesn't tell us where to mail them to first. I am fine with this, but that involves more tech stuff, I suppose. They wonder why I can't keep up with updating the procedures, but I've had to update them a ton in the last few weeks. I also lost the battle of "Seriously, can we give someone in the office permission to hit the print button on the mailing labels? THIS WOULD BE A REALLY EMPOWERING FIX HERE UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES," so I will have to tediously print 100+ of them alone. Oh brother. I normally don't care on printing them, but I usually don't do more than three at a time, not however many they can squeeze out in a day along with all the other shit.

I am also tired of every day the international clientele whining why didn't they get theirs yet, and me saying over and over again I DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR FRIEND IN THE US GOT WEEKS AGO, I TOLD YOU IT TAKES LIKE 3 WEEKS LONGER BECAUSE YOU WANT IT INTERNATIONAL. PLUS COVID AND POLITICAL MAIL DRAMA NOW MAKES EVERYTHING EVEN SLOWER. I'm so tired of my job, but what the hell else would I do. I'm so tired of trying to solve a problem that has no good solutions and the only solutions are even worse than the problem.

I did go spend lunch outside on the patio, at least. Some guy...not sure if he's the neighbor on the left hand side or not, but he seemed to be trying to get in through the screen door and not managing it, and he had a mask on. Maybe he was just some random friend trying to get in, I don't know, but I got a little wigged once I realized he was definitely within six feet of me even though there was a fence....sigh.

I ordered myself this for Christmas. I will need something to do while sad and home alone. Jackie, of all people, was shocked at the expense. Fuck it.

After work, I watched a webinar on "The News Cycle Never Stops" Panel with Anne Helen Petersen, a reporter I like. She just published a book on millennial burnout. I'm not a millennial (or whatever, I really don't care on this generational shit, I am borderline) but am into burnout, so am undecided if I am the audience for this or not. It was a panel of reporters talking about how their jobs have changed, burnout, numbness, etc. I enjoyed one girl talking about her breakdowns and learning not to care after six months.

Then I watched "How to Astronaut: Everything You Need to Know Before Leaving Earth(Copy) Terry Virts in Conversation with Mary Robinette Kowal." This was a delight. Fun things from the interview:

You should always turn on your comm like it really annoys you to have to push a button and talk.
Per Mary Robinette, voice actress, if you talk into a glass, people think you're in space
Terry's call sign in Germany was "Spooky."
Mary Robinette and Kjell talking about work. He says, if you want to watch my job, it'll be really boring. She's all, well, I'm a puppeteer, so if you're ever in New York and want to watch Sesame Street, it might get real boring....
"We've been 20 years away from Mars for the last 50 years." -Terry, saying that budgets and all that mean a return to the Moon is more likely. Mary Robinette: "You're a lot closer to rescue if you're on the Moon." Terry: "The moon can barely kill you. Mars can really kill you."
Terry said he didn't like the movie Gravity because the theme of it was, "Don't go into space, stay home, and I didn't agree with that."
Mary Robinette: "Can we just have somewhere where your astronauts aren't stupid?"
"Canonically, there must be a hair salon on the moon." -Mary Robinette said she wrote all the ladies as having pixie cuts and now the pandemic has made her realize that doesn't work. She asked Terry about cutting an Italian astronaut named Samantha's hair, and actually dragging him to an Earth salon to see how to do it.
Mary Robinette revealed a "Sputnik Alarm Clock: A Must for Lazy Vacationers and Fishermen." Stick it up your "what what", light it, and go to sleep.... "This feels like authentic NASA gear, here...." She asked if Terry ever used one. Nope!
"It makes you look younger and better looking" to spend seven months in space, Terry said. "I was lucky my body was made to be in space."

I attempted to Google for "Sputnik alarm clock," but only got boring things. This is more like it.

Mary Robinette was out to dinner in NYC with John Scalzi when she got the call that her first book had sold, and John stood up and announced it to the restaurant, and everyone applauded.
Terry: "And I thought 2018 and 2019 were crazy."
"The good news is, we're not dropping like flies." -Terry on the likelihood of getting cancer from having gone into space. He said he got skin cancer afterwards and some of his friends have died of it.
10 Things I Learned From Getting Stuck In Space--a chapter in Terry's book. "This won't last forever." Stay active physically and artistically.

Then after that, I returned to that Tuesday night crafting group that I haven't been to for two weeks. Kathleen and I showed each other craft projects in person and online, and she demonstrated how one pees while wearing a hoop skirt. So that was two fun things for Zoom Safari this week!

I told Scott about the hoop skirt demo and the Sputnik candle thing. During that conversation he mentioned that he listened to the entire series. I think if he'd randomly gotten the same books in the mail, he might have mentioned it. So I think at this point I am pretty sure that he never got the books AND already owns them on audiobook...making the whole thing pointless and stupid. So, now I know and I am dropping this whole thing forever. Surprise gifting turns out to be a bad idea, y'all.

I was pretty tired (up in the middle of the night for hours for no good reason again), so I didn't try super hard after that, went to bed after about an hour. Y'know, I decided after July 30 last year that fuck it, if he reads this/finds out about it (not that this is likely for many reasons*), then he finds out because he already knows the worst, but now I really wish I hadn't mentioned the whole package thing multiple times in here. That is just embarrassing now. God, I suck at presents.

* (a) I swear you can get away with posting anything online these days as long as it's not on social media or anywhere anybody looks, which this ain't, (b) he doesn't really have Internet or do anything online besides look at Star Trek memes on Facebook on his phone as far as I've ever seen and even if he had real Internet, does he have the time? Nope, (c) literally nobody in the entire world cares about old school blogs any more or reads them, including whatever people I know/knew IRL who knew about the thing back in the day, (d) nor is anybody going to dredge through my 2000+ word entries a day for over a year to get the dish at this point, even if they get mentioned fairly often in a hormonal sort of way. If we ever got together I would disclose the thing, but if we don't, why bother.

10 Questions; 5. Have you had any particularly spiritual experiences this past year? How has this experience affected you? "Spiritual" can be broadly defined to include secular spiritual experiences: artistic, cultural, and so forth.
* I continue to get signs and synchronicities from the universe of a romantic nature--hearts, rings, S's, whatever...even sometimes in quarantine. I got them multiple times a day before and now it's more like every few weeks, but still happens.
* Praying to St. Francis to find Scott's lost cat.
* Praying to St. Anthony to find Scott's lost package.
* Melinda's irritating seer friend Wendy saying it'll be three years before I am in a relationship and it may or may not be with Scott.
* Scott singing "Is This Love" to me at karaoke when I asked for a sign as to whether or not to stick with him.
* Synchronicity book message about being in a snit for 12 years at someone, to not bail on trying with Scott even though I was kind of cheesed off.

Supplemental Question: Has the COVID-19 pandemic led to any spiritual moments of significance for you? (“Spiritual” can be broadly defined to include secular spiritual experiences: artistic, cultural, and so forth. Something that brought you a sense of Awe) Not really. I'm pleased that I did manage to have a few magical experiences since the virus hit (mostly prayer to saints to find things/animals) and that synchros still happen, but I am not feeling very spiritual or hopeful these days. I have spent a LOT of time watching Pick A Card Tarot videos for hope in love, even if there is no hope in anything else in the world. But awe? No, not really.

I didn't have good answers for 30 Day Future Self yesterday so may attempt a slightly less bad redo: Challenge: -Are you ready to pass your point of no return? -What must you do to initiate that point of no return? -Are you serious about becoming your future self?

Well, I'm definitely not committed and serious to it, that's for sure, It is in SUCH DOUBT IN MY MIND, it is an utterly gray blob, there is no vision, there is no future any more. How the hell am I supposed to be 100% committed to my performing future when I'm not sure how that's going to go at the moment? Just saying. How do I initiate it? I'm still trying to figure that out. Finding opportunities is a bit of a stumper right now.

Today's was about looking at your past differently. How has your view of your past changed over time? I don't know how to answer this? I think the best example of this that I have is with my college ex. That was the one that I had the most nostalgia about, and in some respects was kind of the best relationship I had, because it was more fun and less depressing and we were agreed on more stuff, as opposed to the last ex where we had differences of opinion on a lot of life stuff and it was stressful. That bubble got burst in 2018, which was all for the best, but then I found out from reading that HE was a commitmentphobe, and it wasn't that I was the world's clingiest person, he ENCOURAGED the clinginess until he freaked out. It wasn't me, it was him. Now, don't get me wrong, I still have like 17+ years of "I'm a clingy person" reflex to deal with all the time in my brain still, today, even though I know better. So it's fighting the reflex.

(Though speaking of: I may have actually managed to swallow a pill today? I have been trying to swallow the little Vitamin D pills per day by hiding them in Gummies, but then I keep being aware that the damn pill is there, being solid and should not be going towards the back of my throat. Tonight I made peanut butter and apple sandwiches because I can't get the pickle jars open and stuck a pill in there, then started watching the astronaut show and next thing you know, I think I got it down/)

What negative episodes or memories from your past could be reframed? I dunno...I kind of feel like a lot of it is, I did the best I could at the time, it just wasn't good enough. I was unable to do better at the time under the circumstances even though I needed to.

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