As usual, I am horrible today. I got yet another ganged-up-on work lecture for over another hour and another writeup. What were my sins this time? Interrupting in meetings (okay, fine, no argument there, I'm ashamed of myself, I get it--they said I don't have to totally shut up in meetings, but really, I SHOULD totally shut up in meetings?) and then extreme nitpicking over asking my boss a question, because apparently she thought I should have figured it out on my own (I note that I asked what something was and who I'm supposed to contact since the old person is out, WHICH IS NOT TERRIBLE), or I should have just not touched it at all? Makes no sense to me. But it was horrible and I had to be written up for asking a question wrong, or whatever the hell it was. They were trying to be nice about it, but...what the fuck, again.

Oh yeah, and I scraped my car on the way home because I'm a fucking idiot and hate myself so much for being a stupid fucking fuckup. God, why am I just so fucking awful ALL THE TIME?!?!?

As for the rest of the day: went to tap class, where Monica from DMTC showed up. Now I haven't seen her since whenever, so that was a surprise. I didn't even have anything to do with that one! She's done tap for years, so I don't know what she made of this particular experience. Mostly I did okay, except for the last thing, where it frankly was too subtle for me to figure out what was going on with it. Oh well.

Rehearsal: ran the first few songs of the show (1/4 of it, 17 minutes, I'm told). Actually got out by 9, "DON'T GET USED TO THAT! IT'S GOING TO BE LONG NIGHTS, EVERY NIGHT!" Yaaaaaaaaay. Also, "there's going to be A LOT OF CRAWLING AND ROLLING ON THE FLOOR TOMORROW NIGHT! DON'T WEAR NICE CLOTHES!" sigh Scrooge Scott was all, "I think you're scaring them," and I was all, I think that's the point. Don was all, "I've been in Spamalot, I'm not afraid of anything."

Mostly I just did the walk-around-and-sing bits,, tried on a dress for Jean, and then pretended to wheel a wheelbarrow around for like 20 minutes. I do not get why we need to have the entirety of London milling about in the back while we're going to other people's houses, it seems distracting.

I didn't write down a whole lot of lines, but Noel did come up with the concept of "pie-cake-in" (like turducken, but with dessert), and Other Jennifer and I were similarly rolling invisible carts around and feeling kind of dumb/bored of it. At one point we're supposed to stand around while a mini-funeral happens and then I was all "I'm probably going to have to go over there and make off with the clothes." Very strange profession, this whole "rags and bones" thing.

Did see Felicia's "sexy ghost" costume though. It's very short and flimsy. She'd be fine with that, but there is the whole boob issue. Jean might just order another size up or something. We all noted that the model of course has no breasts or anything, because models never do, and fuck models anyway.

After getting out early, I went to Target and got kneepads. I don't WANNA crawl all over the floor, dammit. Especially in a large white dress. Sometimes I really wanna go "are people nuts?" Also, sometimes I want to say "just because you did that last time doesn't necessarily mean you have to do it again this time," Or just...object to something. But that never does any good. I'd never want to be an authority figure, nobody listens to a damn thing I say anyway.

I don't know why I bother with anything. I wish I could snap my fingers and be gone from existence.

I don't know what to do about the Scott thing. It just makes me sad. I wish things could have gone better, with him either not seeming like he cared more about me so I wouldn't have fucking bothered, or him actually caring. What the hell happened? Why were there all these signs that just failed? I don't understand.

I'm debating writing to Meg about it, but who knows. She'd be all "be friends with him anyway" and I don't think I should be. I'm just a creepy creeper now like I've had before.

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