Mom wanted to talk around circa 11 p.m. last night and she freaked the hell out and demanded to Facetime when I said my hair is falling out. She was unable to tell over the camera, which is good, I guess. She said with regards to Scott I should either just give it up or go see him in person. I don't know there. She also said that "everyone's in a bit of a funk." Well, yeah. Anyway, this went until about 11:35 or so (I had planned to go to bed early), and then I proceeded not to sleep most of the rest of the night. Figures.

I am absolutely wrecked today. Hours and hours of disaster going on. I am just a wreck. I am wondering if cyanide pills exist and where I can get one like in the secret agent movies.

I had to (this was not my decision here) run Kelly through doing Important Document Reorders today. Unfortunately due to several sudden changes by management, this meant we had three times the levels of documents to have to reorder and three different lists that had to be proofread for. Literally about the worst situation you could stick a newbie into. It was a nightmare mess trainwreck disaster. Kelly was all "I can't deal with this, let's download the spreadsheet and work on that" and that only caused more problems, and halfway through my boss insisted on calling Grandboss, who of course wants it all reprogrammed and kept on talking for awhile, which meant that the order did not get done today by the time Kelly finishes her shift (she starts earlier/ends later), so I had to try to finish it AND THEN I FOUND MORE PROBLEMS, and then a bunch MORE ORDERS came in when I ASKED to have any new ones sent to me in the morning NOT LATE AFTERNOON and then OTHER PROBLEMS CAME IN and....oh god, I just wish for death. Every day I am all "how the hell can I go on? I can't go on," except I have no choice but to go on.

Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. I have no choice but to just keep swimming.

I got my Target delivery today, which is a whole lot sooner than the estimated date of October 8. Now it's three more days until I can eat candy incessantly and hug a Baby Yoda. Also the wig I ordered came in, but it said in the mailbox and I'm not gonna go out again for a few more days so it might as well wait, the air level is at orange again.

I did talk to Rachel about it and she figures he's overwhelmed by his life at the moment (well, who isn't). She said if I quit, I know I won't be happy and if I keep trying, there's the possibility of it. "You know you won't be if you give up." When do you stop trying? When it stops being fun. (Well....) It doesn't mean he's not gonna talk back, period. Just because he didn't respond doesn't mean he doesn't want you to. He probably has nothing to say.

All it takes is the right person or right kind of people. The problem is that you shut yourself down. You have not allowed yourself to put yourself out there. You talk yourself out of well, everybody except him. You're gonna have to change your behavior. "You treat yourself like you're 3 years old." "You're really good at saying no." Change the conversation. You decided you wanted to change and that's what changed us.

She still thinks I should go see him and everybody is doing it differently and I am well, extreme. She made a comment about if he thinks he's a petri dish, he won't let me near him, though I guess whether or not he does indicates if he cares or not...depends on how you judge that one, I guess.

"Your mom never listens to you. When has she ever listened to you? She gets off on pushing your buttons." "I think you're afraid to enjoy your life. Your father wasn't allowed to," your mother only did somewhat. You don't feel like you can.

"Do something a little different. Which you have been doing" (outside, talking to Reggie) "and I'm proud of you."

That said, I'm not going to try to contact him tonight. Why fucking bother and I feel absolutely wretched today anyway. Like "wishing for death because I can't deal with my problems and death is the only way out of them but it's not like I would actually take action to die here," and "hey, do cyanide pills actually exist or is that only in spy movies?" level of wretched. I might as well go to bed super early.

I did watch a livestream of "The Inner Workings of Space Suit Design," with Adam Savage, Mary Robinette Kowal (again) and Cady Coleman. Score on all three there!
Check the blurb:

"We think of SiliCon as a cosplayer's convention, and as every serious cosplayer knows, getting the look right is only half the journey. Large, ungainly costumes can actually cause injury if they're not properly engineered to fit the wearer. Much of the time, the triumph over discomfort and physical limitations is integral to making and wearing a proper costume. Surprisingly, the same is true for another passion of Adam's, SPACESUITS! Cosplayers might not realize it, but there's a ton of common ground between wearing an elaborate costume and suiting up to work in the vacuum of space. Despite their high cost and sophisticated engineering, wearing a spacesuit is far more difficult than it looks, even if it fits the wearer perfectly, which, if you're a woman astronaut, it rarely does. As we move into this next stage of space exploration, it's never been more vital to outfit earthlings with proper gear for setting up off-earth outposts. It's a tougher nut to crack than most understand. Perhaps NASA could learn a few things from cosplayers! You never know… In this free 60-minute panel discussion, join moderator Adam Savage and Astronaut Cady Coleman along with author Mary Robinette Kowal as they talk about what goes into making a $20-million spacesuit and the vital importance of how it fits. SPACE IS UNLIMITED :)"

* "Spacesuits are really, really hard to wear!" -Adam Savage
* "A spacesuit is an anthropomorphic spaceship." -Adam
* MRK: the Artemis suits are being sized for the smallest woman because it's easier to scale up than to scale down. '
* "You're having to do everything the Ginger Rogers way, backwards in high heels, except in space it could kill you." -MRK on suit sizing being off.
* MRK: Kjell and Cady had drastically different experiences with spacesuits, so of course when only 8 women are around having problems, nobody cares/believes you....
* She compares watching people get into the pool with puppetry, doing the same warmup exercises she does.
* Cady: gloves are the hardest because they are one size.
* MRK: there are electrician competitions a friend of hers is in and you have to use the equipment they give you. Her female friend has small hands and either way gets docked for not wearing the gloves, or docked for being slow in the gloves.
* Cady: "I can't believe the three of us are in this together."
* Cady: she ended up with damaged hands from using gloves that were actually too small for her.
* Adam: "I live around the corner from the drag queen store...."
* MRK: "Gloves are such a complicated thing to build."
* Adam: it took bra makers to figure out how to customize things. NASA wanted a one size fits all, but you can't.
* Obviously you know how this goes: out of 104 spacewalkers, 12 were women. MRK does not have a puppet on hand right now, but she does have the Sputnik candle.... which I got a screenshot of this time!
* She notes that all the puppeteers are dudes, even if the cast is multicast. Jim Henson was 6'4, and the sets were built to fit him....and anyone else around that size. She says the ladies are wearing huge clogs and their arms are still too short.
* MRK: "Watching (men) get into (spacesuits) is the least sexy floor dance you've ever seen...." toddlers in diapers was also mentioned....
* "Now I realize that people from YOUR worlds should have been making these suits." -Cady

MRK was asked about the Sputnik alarm clock, which she pulled out again! "I found this at my parent's house, as one does."
Reading aloud from it: "A must for lazy vacationers and fishermen!" "World's cheapest!" "Just stick it up your whompwhomp...."
"Warning: do not whompwhomp while asleep or you will blow Sputnik into space."

After that I went to the Tuesday night knitting group, in which a new lady showed us her ceramic pieces, I showed the llamas and the latest RBG collar, and Kathleen undid her project entirely.

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