On Tuesday while on the phone, Mom asks, "Do you know anything about heart attacks?"

"Uh, no. Not a thing."

Then it occurs to me that maybe she thinks Dad's gonna have a heart attack or something. And these days, to be honest, I am pretty well tired of hearing about his physical condition in great, gory detail.

"I don't think I want to know why you're asking this," I continued.

"Okay, fine," she said, with a bit of a tone of "You're going to be sorry you didn't want to know, you little bitch." However, she didn't guilt me as much as usual, and moved on with the conversation.

I get to work Wednesday morning and find this e-mail she sent me at the last minute from her work yesterday. It's along the lines of, "Call me tonight, I'm not going to see your dad because I'm having chest pains."

Oh lord.

I e-mail her back, "CALL A DAMN DOCTOR IF YOU ARE HAVING CHEST PAINS, ALREADY."

Much to my surprise, she actually calls the advice nurse, who tells her to go to the ER ASAP. Mom is all, "Should I go home and change clothes first?" The nurse is all, "NO."

She e-mails me around 11:15 to say, "Going to the ER now." I try calling her, but she doesn't pick up.

Naturally, Mom doesn't listen to the advice nurse and goes home and makes herself a sandwich instead. She finally calls me at work around 1:30 to tell me this, and I practically have a seizure from the stoopid. I yell at her to go to the ER already. She goes.

After all the drama, it was a false alarm. I gather the doctor said something like "No history of heart trouble? Eh, you're fine. Just come back for a stress test on Monday."

*insert eye-roll here*

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