This is an entry for Music For The Masses.

"This Love" (audio here) was playing everywhere this summer, and I do mean everywhere. It kept showing up on the mix CD's I got from folks. It was playing most of the time I was anywhere and a radio was playing. It stuck in my head for hours most days, period.

This love has taken its toll on me, just that one line, repeated over and over again. It was so everpresent in my head that I didn't always notice when I was humming or singing it to myself in public. I'm not a song reader, mind you, but the meaning of this being stuck in my head was pretty obvious.

Love seemed to be in the air everywhere during the summer. I'm on a (semi-secret, I guess?) message board for the dis-engaged, and most of that crew had found a new boyfriend that they were ecstatically happy with. I stopped posting to the board because well, I was the only one WITHOUT happy boy news to post. Or sad boy news. Or any boy news at all. What would I say? "Still single, still bitter, still can't be arsed to care about anyone any more, and I guess I no longer relate to the rest of y'all who are happily dating and jumping back in?"

I was so high I did not recognize
The fire burning in her eyes
The chaos that controlled my mind

But with the end of the summer, there seems to be relationships crumbling all over the place online. I think almost everyone who had a boyfriend at the beginning of the summer on the board has lost theirs- yet another one who bit the dust, didn't live up to hopes and expectations, didn't listen, etc. Two breakups I know of in particular were sounding especially painful- one of them reminding me of my last one, alas. The board is once again filled with pain and "Oh crap, another one didn't work out" messages and "You'll find someone better someday!" cheeriness.

Whispered goodbye and she got on a plane
Never to return again
But always in my heart

I'm just tired of people who start out very promising, very much "living up to standards" and then, eventually...that peters out. Feeling like you can finally get your hopes up, and then eventually getting sunk, and finding out they really weren't that great after all and the relationship was doomed. It all makes you wonder if we just keep on dating the same kind of wrong guys. Is there a way to change what we go for? Is there a way to make people you find attractive unattractive and vice versa? How do you develop a radar?

This love has taken its toll on me.

On the one hand, I feel like I'm not falling into THOSE traps ever again. I am going to watch myself like a hawk and watch any future guys like a hawk. No more jumping into relationships with someone I think is attractive that went for me right off the bat. Hell, if I think someone IS attractive, I may not jump in at all for a good long time until I can figure out if there's a fatal flaw first. And part of me is really proud and happy at the idea of being that supremely picky. I'm fine on my own! I don't need you! I don't have to have you because you're the only one interested in me and "I can't afford to be picky" any more!

This love has taken its toll on me.

On the other hand, I don't trust myself to be attracted to the "right" guys, or not to fall into some other relationship pitfalls I haven't discovered through the ol' "hard way every time" method quite yet. And I don't have much left in me for a bunch more tries. The more I try, the more jaded, old n' busted I feel about the whole thing, like why bother?

How do you change your tastes and radar? The answer I've been given by others is, "You have to really love yourself and have lots and lots of self-esteem first, or it'll never work." Is it THAT easy and miraculous? Is it really so simple, to be all, "I am the most fabulous creature in the universe, and you WILL treat me like the princess that I am" about yourself, and then miracles happen? And doesn't that sound just a wee bit egotistical snotbitch?

I tried my best to feed her appetite
Keep her coming every night
So hard to keep her satisfied
Kept playing love like it was just a game
Pretending to feel the same
Then turn around and leave again

I don't even have the interest to play the game any more. I'm tired of it. I tried my damndest to keep my relationships together, and it didn't work. Is it them being inadequate, or is it my fault for only picking the "wrong" ones that felt very right at the time until things went wrong?

I'll fix these broken things
Repair your broken wings
And make sure everything's alright

One of the side effects of living with Jess (so to speak) is that she and her husband are very, very schmoopily happy after seven years of marriage. And in the grand tradition of those who are schmoopily in love, she wishes I could have that too. Only, well... as usual, I have my doubts that I could. She feels like we're both wandering around in a maze, only divided by glass, and that I'm "so close" to getting "it" (whatever "it" is) and being able to have a decent relationship with someone who won't bomb out on me.

But, well, I don't want a relationship any more. I don't even look at couples with envy. I don't like the idea of thinking that I can't or shouldn't ever be with someone again, but the idea of being with someone and doing the relationship compromise thing and taking a risk on finding out if the next future ex is going to go bad or not, over and over again...well... I don't have the hope and belief that I can do it, and thus, I won't be able to do it.

This love has taken its toll on me.

Evidently, I'm not THAT close in order to believe and hope and trust again. Or to be motivated to go after someone again. I feel damaged, perhaps beyond repair.

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