Work: I told Hannah about all the bar drama last night and she was here for it and made “spilling the tea” references. Her explanation as to why I’m a chaos magnet is “That’s because you’re so interesting.” That would explain everything, all right. She also said, “I am living for the drama.”

I got a spectacularly passive aggressive email from High Horse today. Really, it was a master class in writing in the snottiest way possible while still sounding “professional.” He should teach a “Writing for Assholes In The Business World” class or something. What a pro, and I say that in the tones used by Angel(us) on Buffy the Vampire Slayer after Buffy asks if she was “not....good” at sex.

Anyway, what the metamessage of this one was was, “We’re doing an audit of X program here and just happened to notice that you are just a lowly assistant and you are not one of our actual intended users for the program and why do you have superuser access under these circumstances? (Ask your old boss, shithead. Don’t ask like you don’t know but whyyyyyyyyy.) “Therefore, we are going to take away your access. If you still want access to the program, you will have to write us an email justifying why you should still have access to it for business purposes. Your supervisor will also have to write us an email justifying why you should still have access to it for business purposes. Let me know if you have any questions!” With an exclamation mark, no less. I just love it when High Horse tries to sound perky! over email.

Really, High Horse’s one positive trait is that he’s passive aggressive instead of actively aggressive. Technically you know he won’t actively try to destroy you, just try to work towards subtle sabotage and arguing with and nitpicking you and pointing out his nitpicks to everyone he can. A real class act, that guy.

My only question would be “Uh, what program is this again?” Oh yeah, and “why isn’t your boss sending this sort of email instead of you?” Suffice it to say that since I got shut out of working on that program by the sharks, I haven’t used it in years because I never really got to, and what do I fucking care? Delete it, for all I give a shit. The program sucks, we all know it, I don’t work on it and it’s not my problem. Go right ahead.

Instead, per his instructions, I forwarded it on to my new temporary boss so she could admire his craftsmanship (I am sure the tone will not pass her by) and said on my own that since I can’t justify using it for business purposes, can I just tell him to delete it, then? (Note: I talked to another coworker in my group later and she said she got the same email and was all, “I have access to this?” She also forwarded it on.)

Seriously, I need to get out of doing any work for the Shark Tank team. At some point I will attempt to negotiate this with the new boss, using the arguments of “I am way too busy with my own work and my own unit to help out another unit and my workload is growing all the time so it’s not like I’m ever going to have more time to dedicate to them anyway,” “my actual unit is drowning right now and they need my help if I have extra time to fill in,” and “Shark Tank has three people and I am only one person and they know everything that I do now so they should be doing all of it with their three people.” And what I can’t mention, which is “I am not safe as long as I have anything at all to do with those people.” Since clearly none of us can get other jobs, having my work be 100% separate from theirs is the safest I can get.

Rehearsal:

I checked in with Cameron and she is doing fine and did not seem terribly fazed by the whole thing (I gather she told Scott she’s had worse, and I said “yeah, every woman’s had worse” to that) and mostly we talked about me singing to her and how fun that was, and then Gail came over and wanted to talk about the play and Cameron said the coffin BROKE on the last day and they had to fix the lid at intermission. Then Scott came over and there was more play talk and blackout talk, and then Robert came over and we discussed doing yet another theater field trip to Rocky Horror where Usually Blonde Sarah is in a show in the next few weekends.

We rehearsed act 3* tonight, which gave me slightly more to do because (a) I’m on stage for a few seconds in my actual part (something we didn’t get to last week) and (b) Bridget and I got assigned to start out the Christmas pageant by singing “Carol of the Bells” because everyone else is doing things. Allrighty then!

* note: there aren’t actually acts in this, but for rehearsal purposes we have them. This is the Christmas pageant/Coney Island dream sequence section.

Quote Corner:

“Why is there a big space?” -Anita
“Because I’m terrifying.” -Cameron

At one point in the show Mr. Hilton calls Miss Glace extraordinary and Cameron’s response to this was a mouthed “Who, me?”

“I didn’t designate a kid, she has one line. Who’s a kid?” -Anita
“Right here, oh, wait.” -Scott

“What happened?” -Anita
“We were perfect.” Trent

In the dream sequence, Alexis has to play “Dream Jesus” and then turn into herself. “Do you want me to do a different voice?”
“Well, you haven’t been nice, so it’s totally different.” -Anita

“You wanna be a donkey?” -Anita to me
“Sure, why not, I’m an ass anyway.” -me

Also in the dream sequence, Isadora has to scream. And she....really did not. Like a tiny scream. A tiny tiny scream. I heard a girl this week sneeze louder than that scream. So Anita demonstrated the “White Queen Scream” that she did in a show. Isadora got...slightly louder. I offered to do a backup scream.

“God is gonna break your heart, Mrs. Abromowitz.” -Anita

“Scott’s in charge of sound, you guys.” -Anita (as Scott does various sound effects with the curtain, runs across the stage making whooshing noises, etc.)

“And then we’ll have you whip off your coat, and bite someone’s face....” -Anita to Alexis on her entrance to the Christmas show.

“I guess you’re not part of the conversation. Well, leave.” -Anita to the kid playing Joseph.

“And you’re going to get a lot of laughs no matter what, Scott, with wheeling her out on the ladder.” -Anita
“Well, at least someone will laugh at me.” -Scott

Miss Glace is told to go give Mary a pregnancy pillow. “Miss Glace’s gonna get a child pregnant.” -me

“No, that’s not what the script says--oh, right.” -Anita on the line “crying occurs.”

After rehearsal:

Scott and Robert and I discussed the bar drama again. Matthew just sent texts to the guys about it all, apparently. He told Scott he was talking to “the man” (unclear on who “the man” is: Badger? The owner?) tomorrow, and Robert said he’s seen Matthew walk out on gigs/shows before on principle and he wants a welcoming atmosphere, etc. So who knows if there shall be karaoke with him from now on or if they get a new guy or what. We all discussed how other than on this special night people are generally fine with Badger’s shenanigans since they don’t involve humping, and I was all “I’d be fine with just having him thrown out if he acts like that, I don’t need him banned for life,” and who knows if a bar is going to ban him for 3 hours total a week anyway, if any of the staff are trained bouncers, etc. I mean, they all seem nice but not really bouncerish. Scott talked about how he normally isn’t good with confrontation, but when Badger was humping “two of his dear friends,” well, hmmmm on that remark there. But he said next time he saw the guy he’d do a “we good?” check in.

That is also when I found out that one of Scott’s grandmothers had died. I guess he was at the hospice last night (hence why he was late to the party) and then she died this morning and they have been picking out the urn and whatnot. This was the one that was 95 years old and in bad health and in a home, so it wasn’t a super out of nowhere shock, but, y’know, still. They’ll probably take a month to figure out funeral service arrangements a la Laurel. He went out to lunch with Laurel today when she was in town, so that’s probably all for the best on that.

Also, seriously, his family sounds really nice. Like his parents started dating when they were in band in high school, so all the in laws actually get along, and they all have birthdays close to each other or something and it’s just so cute. Also he says he’s the lone weirdo in there but I am guessing they are more tolerant of that than mine are. Once again, I have thoughts of looking for a new adoptive family on Craigslist and wonder why the fuck I can’t get on with my own. I can’t even conceive of “in laws” in mine getting along, I had to divide my graduation ceremonies up to make sure both sides never saw each other and knew better than to have any party that mingled the two.

So after Robert left, Scott followed me back to my car and then we ended up talking outside for a while, mostly about his grandmother and all the shit she went through, with a bit of me being all “hey, I’m just glad yours wasn’t as bad as mine” stuff, more or less.

And then we had a long hug.

And then out of fucking nowhere I randomly kissed him on the chest.

And then left.

What the fucking fuck, me? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

What the hell did I just do?!?!?

Apparently just kinda came onto a guy who’s (a) not ready for a relationship and (b) then his grandmother died, is what. I am so sleazy.

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